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I got the letter!!  I am officially approved for gastric bypass surgery!  I called the insurance company earlier this week (around Mon or Tues) and got the verbal approval, but the letter came today!  I still don't really think its real, it feels like I'm kind of being swept up on a current that doesn't really depend on what I do at this point.  I go back and forth with whether or not I want to actually go through with the surgery, but since I have read other people's profiles I know that most people go through this. 
I've been thinking about what I want out of the surgery.  Of course I want to lose weight.  But I also want my dreams back.  I want to feel good about living and feel that I have a purpose for being here.  I want to share all that I learned to hopefully prevent someone else from going down the path I've gone down and reconnect with others in a more genuine way.  I'd like to feel comfortable in my own skin for once and stop focusing on my weight so much.  I've always thought that the way to determine if something is functional is if you can forget about it.  I want to forget about myself and focus on God and others.  I have spent too much time nit-picking myself and I want to move on into the next phase of my life.  Teaching others about the importance of self esteem is good, but that's not my purpose.  That's a lesson that I had to learn and now I feel that I can walk into my true reason for existence.  I keep picturing myself on a cruise, looking out at the water with my wig (smile) blowing in the wind.  The water is so blue, so calm, and so peaceful.  I see the happy and contented look on my face.  It's the face of an overcomer.  I look forward to that day.  Stay tuned...

I attended the last appointment with my pcp for the 3 month supervised diet last tuesday, so I'm just waiting to get the approval from the insurance company so I can get a date scheduled.  Some days I really want the surgery, and other days I tell myself I can do it on my own.  I wish I could.  But it seems that I can diet for a week or so and then I allow myself a cheat meal which turns into a cheat month:)  I know some people say that their weight hasn't affected their self esteem but I think mines has.  At least I hope thats the reason why I have been less than confident for a large portion of my life.  I want to put the past behind me and move forward into the life that I know is mine.  The life I have led thus far feels like it belongs to someone else.  I've had so much inner turmoil that my hair actually started graying!  That's crazy!  I only wish I wouldn't have allowed my weight to dictate so much of my life.  When I look back at old pictures of myself I can see that I wasn't that big, but I felt so fat and unattractive.  Feeling like that caused me to dress and carry myself in a certain way that made others respond to me in a certain manner.  I don't blame outside people for not accepting me because I didn't even accept and care enough about myself to dress nicely.  I would put on anything and go!  But that's been apart of my journey, and it has made me who I am today.  I'm saying all this and sounding all depressed and stuff, but I don't regret being obese because it forced me to think for myself, read, and just become more analytical than maybe I would have been had I just took the mainstream route.  I hope God can find some way to turn my ashes into beauty. 

Well it's been almost two months since my last posting and quite a bit has occurred.  My insurance was cancelled unjustly and I had to wait about 3 weeks for it to be reinstated.  I was overcharged on my premium and had to wait another 2 weeks for the correct pricing to be available.  The insurance company is making it mandatory that I complete 3 months of supervised weight loss counseling via a nutritionist and my M.D., so I began that process on 4/14 and have about another month and a half to go on that.  Nervewracking!  But necessary, I know.  I've been looking at all the different profiles to stay motivated and try to keep my mind on the prize.  I've completed all of the other requirements by my doctor's office so once my 3 months is finished I'm hoping to be approved.  Stay tuned...

I went to see the nurse practitioner yesterday (3/12/10) to finalize and turn in my file to the insurance company!  Hopefully everything will go through quickly and I can get a date soon.  I can't really say that I'm excited because I've been this weight for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be able to do normal things.  When my feelings catch up with me I'm sure the nerves will kick in.  My current weight is 395.6 and I would like to lose at least 25 lbs before the surgery.  I've already stopped drinking carbonated drinks and I'm trying to kick the caffeine (coffee) habit.  Once I get a date I'll start to buy all the proteins and vitamins that I'll need after surgery.  The nurse was telling me that because I have somewhat of an apple shape I may need to do a liquid fast for 2 weeks prior to surgery versus just the 1 that is normally observed.  Not looking forward to that!  But we'll see.  I do have some goals that I would like to achieve after the surgery:

1.  Be able to cross my legs (I've never done this)
2.  Be able to shop at any store in the mall
3.  Be able to go places without worrying  about if everyone is focusing on my weight
4.  Be under 200 lbs - 195 would be a good weight for me because I'm 5'7 and big boned

As I think of more I'll add them here.  Once I'm given a date I'll update my blog.