lucylu11

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After all this time thinking it wouldn't happen. I had been staying away from sugary foods for more than nine months. I would allow myself carbs and sugar free stuff ( so far no serious reaction to sugar alcohol other than lethargy). Feeling invincible, I had a few bites of my own birthday cake and went to bed, feeling fine, no reaction. The next day, I'm feeling a little too confident and accept a friend's Pinkberry offer. I literally had 4 spoons of sugary yumminess with blueberries, strawberries, and captain crunch. Bad idea. About half hour later, I'm feeling dizzy, sweating buckets, heart racing, and wanting to barf big time. We were at a gallery, and I had to make a b-line to the bathroom 3 times. Oh sugar is bad, very bad.

So my ultra sound results came back, and I don't have gall stones. Thank goodness. Most likely gas. Sorry for the TMI, but I've been so gassy. I've been eating "sugar free" candy since Valentine's Day, maybe it's that. I haven't changed anything else in my diet.

My labs came back showing I still have elevated H. Pylori counts. I already took the antibiotic for this, and it didn't go away. Dr. Mc Vay says I need to retake it and that I might get ulcers in my sleeping stomach if it doesn't go away. Great. My regular Dr. says that the tests they run aren't directly testing for H. Pylori, but the antibodies used to fight it. She says that it could take months before the antibodies see that there is no more H. Pylori and decrease. I really don't want to take more antibiotics, but I don't want to risk getting ulcers, especially in a closed stomach.

Other than this lil hump, I feel great. My new pill has been working great. I'm finally in the 220's, and I am sharing clothes with my little sister. She has always been a lot smaller than me and now we weigh about the same. I'm loving what Biotin is doing for my nails. Sadly it has done nothing for my hair. It's still falling out like crazy. I see a lot of baby hairs coming in though so we'll see.

I moved into my new lil house this weekend and I love it. I still have a lot of unpacking to do, but things are coming along nicely.

that I don’t have gall stones. I had my follow up appt. with Dr. Quilici yesterday. I’ve been feeling a slight burning in the upper right side of my abdomen. Along with the nausea and gas, Dr. McVay, his assistant, said I needed an ultrasound. So today I go back to have that done. I am really hoping I don’t need surgery. I know this is common, but I was hoping to be one of the lucky few.

I’ve been MIA lately. Nothing really has been going on that is realated to my surgery. I’m still losing, slowly. I feel smaller and the skin is hanging more and more. I was hoping to lose 30lbs by my birthday, but I don’t think that is too realistic,now, especially since I’m only losing like 10 or less pounds a month. Maybe I can shoot for my 1 year.

I had been experiencing mood swings. I’m on the pill, so before surgery I didn’t suffer from pms. But after surgery, oh man that’s another story. I switched pills and feel much better. I’m on Seasonique, which means I will only get a period 4 times a year. I already notice a difference in hormone levels, no ups and downs.

I’m moving to Pasadena this weekend. I’m really excited! Finally, I can have some peace of mind. Living with my folks has been mental torture. I don’t know how I lasted there a year. In a way it was a good thing, since they were there for me during my surgery. I really appreciate and love them, but my dad’s alcoholism is really taking a toll on me. Even with therapy, keeping busy, and straight ignoring him or avoiding him I feel so worn down. My relationship with him is much better when I’m away.

Before surgery, I remember hearing how my relationship with food would change. How food will no longer be my “best friend” and my tastes for certain foods would change and I wouldn’t want to eat the same foods I used to eat.

Uh, wrong. This last holiday season was really hard for me. I wanted a freakin cookie or a slice of pumpkin pie. I wanted a tamale and a piece of pan dulce. I wanted to fill my plate like everyone else. But I couldn’t and I didn’t. I have changed my eating habits, this is true, but I still feel the same about food. I miss it, even obsess over it. You would think that after losing all this weight, I would just be greatful and not think twice (more like 10times) about eating something I shouldn’t. I’m torturing myself and I don’t know why.

Instead of eating all the crap I used to and wish I could eat, I’ve resorted to surrounding myself with “healthier” options. The only problem with this is I over load. I snack, a lil nuts here, pita chips there, cheese, peanut butter filled pretzels, popcorn. If it’s bite sized and low in fat and sugar, I buy it. My desk here at work looks like I’m preparing for some sort of natural disaster.

I find myself going to the grocery store and buying stuff I don’t need. I just want soy milk and I leave with enough food to feed myself for the rest of the week. It’s comforting or something. I don’t get it. The only difference is instead of going to McDonald’s, I’m walking to Trader Joe’s.

Unfortunately, my pouch is pretty happy all the time, no issues with anything lately ( I still haven't tried anything with more that 10g of sugar though. Carbs are another story). Right out of surgery, I was so good. I never tested the waters, had no appetite. Now, I feel like it’s back, no hunger-just appetite. Damn you ghrelin. I only lost like 5 lbs this month. Is the so called honey moon over? I’m still so far from where I want to be.

Weird title, but I have a story to go along with it. Haven’t blogged in a while, it’s been crazy at work and then I had vacation. I usually write while there. Things have been going pretty well. I was getting a lil worried about the weightloss or lack of. I actually gained a pound last week. I have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture. 124lbs is not too shabby, right?

My hair was falling out like crazy. It’s finally slowing down, I think. One big clump as opposed to 3 or 4 huge ones. I am eating a lot more and making myself drink a protein shake everyday. It totally makes a difference.

Now my story. Last week my cousin and his wife came from Mexico to visit us. We all sat down and had dinner with the family, pizza. I didn’t eat pizza opting for some antipasta salad and a chicken wing. My dad is really proud of my weightloss. So much so that he took it upon himself to mention how “skinny” I was and how much weight I lost to my skinny/normal size cousins. They never met me before so they never got to see me pushing 400lbs. I then felt like I had to explain to them what he meant, the surgery, etc. They were very sweet and didn’t make me feel like I was a freak. They are pretty old school where they are from (at least that’s how I remember it, Suzy ;) ), so that was a relief. Glad I got that out of the way and done with. But nope. Like 3 days later, we had an enchilada dinner and as I sat there peeling away most of the tortilla, disecting my poor enchilada my dad noticed and chimed in. In Spanish “poor Lucy! Look how she eats now… if you could have seen her before…she was huge!! Fue una cosa tremendo!!” I know I turned ten shades of red. My cousin sensed my discomfort and loudly interupted my dad and changed the subject. As the topic died down, my dad continued in with the “she was huge!!” rant. And my cousin again changed the subject, thank god. As I think back, I wonder why I felt so embarassed. I know I was huge, ginourmous, super morbidly obese, I know, hence the surgical intervention. But hearing my dad say it. It just hurt. It really did. He had never made fun of my weight or made me feel bad about it before. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. But I couldn’t help but feel my self worth drop to the floor. Atleast my old self. Even though he is proud of who I am now, his comments made me feel like he wasn’t proud of who I was 124 lbs ago.

At 245, I’m not skinny, and my brain is still 369lbs. I think that is why it hurt, mentally I still feel 369. Boy I got issues. Ha. The whole mental part of this process is so much more difficult then the physical. I've been so lucky, healthwise, no complications. To think my cheap ass wanted to stop seeing my therapist cuz I hate paying a co pay. Looks like I will be visiting the couch for a while.

The last few weeks I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster (more like free fall). I have been feeling so down. I don't know why, but it's been triggering me wanting to eat and practically sabotaging myself. I can't and haven't gone back to my old habits, but the feelings and urges are there. And I’m noticing just how much of an emotional eater I was/am. I always just thought I loved food, and never thought of myself as an emotional eater. It's just scary sometimes to think I can undo all this hard work. Last week though, I was going through an old box of crap I had stored away in my closet and found an old weight watchers chart (from like the 10th and last time I joined). When I unfolded it to take a look I saw that it was from last November. I was 105 pounds heavier November 11, 2006. Just thinking about it gets me so emotional. I feel very proud of myself, which is hard for me to do sometimes. I have the tendency to stress out, think negatively, and get myself all worked up about stuff. I was getting myself all depressed about the long road ahead and how slow things seem to be going, but finding that lil card really put things into perspective. I can’t keep forgetting how far I’ve come.

Since last week, I had two more knock my off my feet abdominal cramping incidents. I think it is totally related to the food I eat. Both times, I had foods that were a lot higher in the fat department (Asian food both times). So instead of dumping and barfing, it comes out the other way with a vengeance (worse than bowel prep). My nutritionist called me on Friday out of the blue. I was pretty surprised and it was nice hearing from her. Lucky nut, she got to hear me blab about my bowel issues. I haven’t taken the Urso in over a week. I am still undecided if I should continue taking it or not. I just want my stomach to settle down a bit. I feel like before taking it, I didn't have issues like this. We’ll see what happens.

Oh I’m in the 270’s now! I can’t believe it. I don’t even remember when I weighed this much…college I think, sheesh. I guess one good thing about the Urso issue is it keeps me away from foods that will slow down the weight loss process. I’m definitely more cautious now. I was really starting to slack.

These last few days have been crappy healthwise. I’ve been taking Ursodiol (sp?) and it sucks!! I think instead of cleansing my gallbladder it’s cleansing my colon. The last couple weeks, I’ve suffered through lower abdominal cramping and sorry…diahrea.

The worst of it was this weekend. Friday night, I was up atleast 8 times running to the bathroom. Oh the cramping. Then last night the same thing happend. I don’t know where it all came from?! I hardly eat. I feel all queesy and yucky. I asked my nut. about it and she said that some patients do have that reaction to Urso and if it gets worse to go ahead and stop taking it. So I haven’t had a Urso in two days and I still feel crappy. Now I’m wondering if it was that or something else, maybe the cottage cheese I ate Friday and Sunday. My movements were fine before I started Urso, maybe it just takes time to leave my body.

I’m going back to liquids today to see if I feel better.

I’ve been so bad keeping up with my entries.

I’m still wondering how long my body will be in “shock” and finally start losing the weight I need to lose. I’ve started exercising hoping it will start things up again. I’ve only lost about 8lbs in 3 weeks which drives me nuts sometimes, but I guess on a good note I feel like I’ve been losing inches. My clothes have been getting a lot looser and people at work (who don’t even know about the surgery) have been coming up to me asking if I have been losing weight. I know I should really be proud of myself, 51lbs in about 8 weeks is still great. I’m just so anxious though to finally get through my first milestone…being under 300lbs. I don’t even know when I crossed the line over 300 but I know it’s been atleast 8 years. So I guess if you put it into perspective like that it makes me realize that I need to give my body some time.

I do feel great! If it weren’t for the occasional reminder to eat slower, I wouldn’t even know that I had this surgery. I’ve tried a lot of different foods and so far everything has gone down nicely. Even chicken, yeah!! Chicken tostadas, chicken lettuce wraps, grilled chicken, as long as I chew it right, it goes down nicely.

Speaking of chewing, I noticed that I have to be careful with my timing. I am able to get in more than 2oz of food in one sitting if I eat slowly enough which to me isn’t a good thing. I went out to CPK with a friend and I ordered the lettuce wraps. Well we sat there for about two hours eating and talking and I looked down at my plate and saw that I had eaten almost half of the chicken!! I felt so guilty, like I cheated. Where the heck did that chicken go anyways?! Did it slowly just skip my stomach and make it’s way down my intestine, ew? I totally have to watch myself and make sure I pay attention to the clock and not graze.

Oh and I think I have the whole constipation issues solved! I’ve been eating a plum or half of one everyday and I’ve been going like clockwork everyday. Ha sorry for the TMI, but I am so relieved!

Wow this week was a slow weight loss week. Not going to panic, at least the scale is going down instead of up right? I think I need to up my calories and protein...I admit it, I have been bad with getting the whole 60 grams in. And up my water of course. Eek where is it all gonna go?

I still feel really great. I'm not feeling as tired and so far I have been tolerating the foods I'm testing. I haven't thown up and no pains (thank goodness). The only thing I feel I wouldn't eat again for a  while is NF refried beans. Man those beans went down sooo slow and just sat in my stomach like a rock. I've been trying to incorporate more fruit to help with the constipation issues, but I feel like it makes me graze. It will take me a good hour to eat my protein and then a few pieces of fruit. I get really paranoid something will get stuck, so I chew my food till there is nothing left to chew. 

Anyway, I'm off for now. I am hoping to upload pics for my 1month surgerversary.