Lurnia Marie I.

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I know it's been a while since I've posted.  A lot have been going on since we last spoke.  First of all i'm getting married on 12/15/07, actually i'm getting married on 12/14 but the reception will be on 12/15.  I've posted pics check them out.  

Second, i have a puppy.  Her name is Cupid. I never thought of myself as a dog person but my Fiance' brought her home and I fell in love with her.

School is going good, It's a little more time consuming then when I was at the juinor college but I'm hanging in there and am still getting A's.

The weight is till coming off but I'm not allowing myself to spend too much time focusing on that.  I eat healthy, don't over eat and take my vitamins, that's my focus.

OK, that's the update!

I'm enjoying life on a new level now.  Lawrence is a joy to be around but he is talking marriage already and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to jump right into another marriage at this point either.  I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him this without hurting him.  I'm just testing the waters to see what's out there.  I'm making new friends and enjoying life.  I've met a couple of men (no I am not being a slut or anythnig like that as I am not sleeping with them, just meeting them).  I like that men are interested in me and find me attractive, I must admit, I really like the attention I'm getting.

Anywho, that's all for now.

I have discovered that life isn't all bad!.  I really enjoy living now.  I feel good and am in a good space, physically, mentally and most of all spiritualy. 

My health is in order and once I lose these last 25 pounds and have skin removed I will be where I want to be with my body.  My relationship with God is good and I have a male friend that I just adore!

Does it get any better?

OK, I recognize that this is all new to me but I got a friend!  This has made me start thinking harder.  For the last 3 months I have been realizing that it's time to let go of my marriage.  We've been living apart for the last 7 years and he's been back and forth between, I love you - no I  don't.  If you have surgery we're done - no we're not.  Well I made the decision that I'm tired of all the back and forth, emotional roller coster and I want better for my life.  I completed divorce paperwork a month ago but held on to them.  I'm not sure why but I believe that in my mind as long as I was still attached to him I wouldn't be interested in anybody else.  well, I filed the paper work last week and it was like a big load was lifted off of me!

Now, my friend.  I call him Bear (give really good hugs) and we've been friends for about 3 months.  We go to church together and so we talk at church, on the phone or maybe go out to eat with other people after church.  I've notice that the last couple of weeks our friendship is kind of moving in another direction.  I think it has caught both of us off guard but not in a bad way.  I could really see myself liking him and I think it's mutual.  We both have the same standards and religious beliefs and that makes it so much better.  He's so sweet, like he told me last night when we were talking that church seemed so lonely on sunday morning because I wasn't there (I had to work this weekend).  I asked him what about the other 100 people there and his response was, "even with everybody  else around I kept looking for you on the Usher's bench and when I didn't see you, I felt lonely."  Is that sweet or what?

Any way, don't know where this is going, or if it's going anywhere.  It might just have been the push I needed to release the other situation.  so for now, I'm going to fasten my seat belt and hold on for the ride.

OK, I got my blood work back from my last visit to the surgeon.  My Zinc, Vitamin D, Hemoglobin and Hematacrit (sp) were all dangerously low.  The other stuff, although was not low, wasn’t really good either, for example if the normal was 30 mine was like 29 - 32.  The doctor has told me that it’s time to increase my food intake as I should be getting most of my nutrients from food and should not still be doing so many protein shakes a day. 

 

I’ve come to the conclusion, after a couple of trips to the ER for dehydration and being told that my body is malnourished, that I must eat to live.  This is so strange to me, I know it’s all in my head, but when I look at food, I get physically ill, I feel betrayed and I hate it.  So I haven’t been allowing myself to eat.  But, today is a new day!  I will eat at least 3 times today (small meals of course) but I will attempt to eat.  The doctor said that my attitude towards food is the same attitude that peoples that are anorexic have so I must be really careful.

 

So today I turn over a new leaf.  For breakfast I had 2 cups of coffee and 30 minutes later I had a pack of peanut butter crackers.  For a snack I had watermelon (yum).  I have my lunch but haven’t eating it yet, but I will before I leave here.  I have another 1.5 hours to work.

OK, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the increase in food intake.  That sounds so retarded to me.  I am still so huge!  I tried one day last week to eat 3-5 small portions of food.  I ate 1/2 cup turkey lasanga (sp) and a few bites of salad and almost freaked out because I felt that full feeling.  I have not had that in such a long time and it scared me.  I wanted to go and throw up to get the food out of me.  I didn't do it but it also scared me how quickly those old behaviors popped back in my head.  Instead of purging I walked 6 times around the building at work which = .5 mile.  I know that's not much but I was not on lunch or break or anything so that was all I could do.  If I can get the mind together then I will be alright.  I don't know why I waited a whole year to go crazy but it's like now food is back in control but instead of thinking of ways to eat, what I will eat and what I want to eat, I'm thinking OMG it's time to eat again!  I don't  want food in my mouth most days but I force myself because I know I have to eat to live.  It's really hard to eat most days because I'm so busy and don't want nor desire to chew food, that's why I was still doing so many  protein drinks.  

I think I may just be having a bad day, but it seems like everything is going wrong.  I just added up my points for my social psyc class and realized that I will be getting a B in that class (I don't like Bs).  I just found out that my tuition for SIUE is over $1600 for just two classes.  They did let me break it up into 4 payments and I made the first one but now I have to cmoe up with $402 for the next 3 months.  I know nothing about scholarships and am not elgible for financial aid.  Most people just assume because I'm in my 40's that I should know this stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to check the boards now and I will probably post this because I could use a boost right about now.

This is a little late, but I celebrated my one year surgervisary (sp of made up word) on 7/5.  I had my check up with the surgeon and everything is great.  I've had a total weight loss of 218 pounds.  My BP is perfect, choleterol excellent, the only concerns were that my blood sugar was a little low and I was anemic (sp) but nothing to worry about, we will just monitor it.  Doc said I need to ease up on the protein drink and increase my food intake.  I'm still doing two protein shakes a day, so I'm working on that.

What's up with me?  My weight loss had hit a stall but I changed my exercise habits and now it's jump started again.  Instead of walking for 30 minutes on my lunch (in addition to going to the gym 2-3 times a week), I now go to the gym everyday (gym now open 24 hrs) and do my walk in the pool.  This actually kills a couple of birds with one stone, first of all the temps been so high and I've been having problems with dehydration now I don't have to worry about that because i'm in the water.  So now I actually jog forwards and backwards in the pool and it's great!  I don't feel it in the pool but I do later in the day so I know it's working.  

School is getting ready to start in a few weeks, I am starting my undergrad degree in psychology and am totally psyched!  Got rid of my big SUV and got a smaller car (Taurus).  I fit perfect, no need to push the seat all the way back and did not have to move the steering wheel up.  

I celebrated my 44th birthday yesterday and I am healthy!  Friends gave me a surprise party at Applebees.  They just laughed at me because when the waitress brought my riblet platter, I immediately asked for a go plate, it's a habit now, I know I can't eat 1/4th of the food but I do love their riblets, so now I have lunch for the weekend since it's my weekend to work.

I thank God for this new opportunity at life.

Well that's my uupdate, I'll be lurking when I get a chance.

Thanks to the OH family for all of your love and support over this past year.

Lurnia Marie

I just celebrated my one year re-birthday.  I am so grateful to God for this opportunity at life.  I'm going to my one year check up on Friday 7/13 (which is my birthday).  People keep asking me what am going to do and you know I don't have clue but one thing for sure, I can do anything I want to now.  I'm down to 230 from 457.  I'm hoping to lose 3 pounds before my appointment so I can have lost an even amount of weight.  People keep telling me I look good but I still look huge to me.  I was talking to my first lady yesterday and I was telling about this other person that told me that i've lost enough weight now and I can stop.  I told her that I think i'm still "huge" and she told me that I cannot wear that title anymore.  It does feel good to be able to buy clothes anywhere and have other people give me clothes too little for them (that's the best feeling because I was always the biggest person I knew).  I guess I should try to down load some recent pictures from my Orlando trip but I left my camera at home today.  My husband keeps flipping back and forth, he wants me, no he don't.  I finally told him that the decision isn't his anymore, I have taken that power from him.  I don't understand because we made vows for better or for worse.  He was happy when I could breath and walk at the same time, but now that I'm healthy and physically active, he don't like it?  Go figure, those are his issues.  I don't believe in divorce so I'm going to have to let God work this one out  I got a letter from a school in New Haven CT that pay me to go to school there so myabe God is leading me somewhere.  I won't make a move unless I hear from him.

Oh well lunch is over so I'm going back to work.

I was shopping for my Orlando trip and realized that all the new blouses this summer have short sleeves.  Well I've decided that i'm not going to be hot, sweaty and funky because of the excess skin.  I worked really hard to lose this weight and i will wear my bat wings as a badge of honro all around Orlando.  It's reallly not bad until I lift my arms up but even still, I will be comfortable and hold my head up high!

the service last night was awesomme!  I never did get nervous and when I walked across the stage I think my whole church was there and they all stood up and started shouting out my name.  I stopped in the middle of the stage and struck a pose and then continued on.  I posted a few pictures from the party at work and a couple from last night with me in my cap and gown.  (the gold rope means high honors).