Hallelujah!!!! Finally!

Jun 29, 2009

We finally have approval for the surgery and have had for 2 weeks today.  August 10th 7am is the witching hour.  One second I feel like I'm so ready and then I have a flash of near fear when I realize that this life and way of eating that I've known my forever is about to be gone, never to return   I'm a little nervous as to how hard the new way of eating will be to adjust to.  Like, how bad will I miss my food? Missing food...what a horrible, embarrassing emotion to have. Of all the things in the world to face missing and food is what gets my heart racing?! Wow! All I can do is shake my head over that thought.

As many years as I've spent avoiding looking at my whole image or any particular body area, standing up close to the mirror so there's not as much to reflect,  I find now that I'm backing away from the mirror to get a better look.  I want to remember what I look like as a very large woman.  I want to see the difference in my body.  I don't want to forget where I started or what I have to overcome.

I really don't have a lot of thoughts on this upcoming even right now.  I find that the closer it gets the less concerned I get with it.  I've had so much focus and attention on getting approval for this procedure for so long now that I have it I feel like...oh, well, now all I can do is wait. ok, ok, I acknowledge and admit it...sometimes I feel like running, screaming in the opposite direction.  Am I doing the right thing? Will I be happy with it later?  Will all my skin melt to a puddle at my feet when the fat is gone? Will I ever regret my decision? Will I feel left out at when the family gets together for dinner? Will I really have to carry my boobs around in my back pockets to keep from stepping on them?  Will I ever be able to take care of the excess skin issues? How hard/expensive is it going to be to keep myself in just underclothes, let alone outter clothes?  Will a man ever be able to look at my melted, sagging body and not be revolted by it? Will I have enough sense to realize that at 45 years old that no amount of weight loss is going to make me look 'sexy' so don't even bother trying to wear 'sexy' clothes?  The list goes on and on....I have hundreds of questions that only time can answer and as anyone that knows me knows that any patience I have is hard won and easily thinned can testify to, this will be a LONG, HARD period of patience for me to suffer through.

The saddest thing I've encountered in regards to this so far was my mom.  She was at my house for a party and she blurts out that she's decided I have to agree to see her at least twice a month because she's afraid that I'll walk up one day and she won't know who I am.  I would have agreed no matter what but the look on my mothers face when she said it showed me that she was really afraid of not being able to recognize her own daughter.  It really hurt my heart for her and I instantly agreed.  I'm so proud of my mom.  It's difficult to think of your daughter going through this kind of change but she is working hard to be supportive and understanding.  I don't know what I would do without her.

0 Comments