Lent, Spring - New Reasons For New Beginnings
Mar 20, 2009
I don't go to church much. I was raised Catholic, but during my parents seperation we often attended Assembly of God. I really became knowledgeable in learning about religion in school but I don't think I truly understood. Religion became tough for me to believe when I was 12 years old and my best friend died in a car accident on her way home with her family after a weekend vacation. Both her and her Mom passed away that same day. She died on impact and her mom died enroute to the hospital. Her baby sister then 8 lost both her legs from the knees down and was paralyzed. Her father had some broken bones and a punctured lung. At that time she passed I just couldn't understand why, how God could allow her and her Mom to die like that. My parents were so caught up in their own problems, fighting alot, going through a seperation for the last 3 years so neither one really was available to help me deal with my grief. I had already been skipping school because it wasn't getting easy for me to go to school everyday. Not to mention I attended a Catholic School. I would get on my bike as if I was going to school and as soon as my Mom passed me to go to work I'd turn around and come home. The day of my friend's funeral I was unable to attend because my Mom had to work. She'd told me to go to school but I never did. Being in school was really hard for me to deal with.When I'd get home I'd make chocolate cake from scratch. It was one of the things we learnt how to cook in Cooking classes several times a week that year. To make sure my Mom didn't know I skipped school and stayed home to make a cake I would spend the day eating cake till eventually it was all gone. Then I would clean up all evidence of me being at home all day. Not realizing that when she came home and opened the door when she took one whiff she could smell that I had made a cake. She'd always ask me and I'd always deny it. She caught on though. I only thought I was fooling her.
Okay so fast forward to present time I'm now 34. Church is still an issue for me. I do go occasionally though. The issue more these days is that I get sleepy and I don't really feel like I fit in there. It's like my Mom and stepdad's church. With all their friend's and people they know. I know some through events I go to with them but I don't know anyone very well. But as far as my personal relationship with God goes. I do believe in God. I know if it wasn't for him giving me a second chance and helping me make it through surgery, all those days in the hospital and skilled nursing facility before and after surgery, I may not be here today. I was telling my counsellor yesterday, because my mom said she worried about me doing something to myself when I get mad and go into my room, that before surgery, yes I tried several times to kill myself. I just felt like a waste of space, a burden on my family, I couldn't really see what the point was to my being here and most of all I just wanted to be at peace. And I thought the only way I could ever achieve that was through death. But on the day I had surgery I made a promise to God and to myself that if I came woke up from surgery to live another day that I would never try to take my life again no matter how bad I felt things got. There's always another option. One of those options is to reach out for help. That is why I am so greatful for OH. Those of you whom I have since met you are all blessings in my life and I am greatful to you.
Now for the Lent and New Beginnings Part - Ha Ha I bet you guys thought I was done ... sorry.
I didn't plan on doing the 5 day pouch test during Lent it just happened that way. But doing so reminded me of what my Mom said her Priest had told them at church. He said about doing something this Lent that is life changing. That it doesn't have to be just food you're not going to eat. My Mom joked that she's going to give up her brother this Lent. On Sunday March 8 I began the 5 day pouch diet test.
http://www.5daypouchtest.com/plan/theplan.html
There's the link in case anyone wants to try. Basically I ahd been doing a lot of reading around on the various message boards and groups trying to figure out since my pouch is still in good working order - how can I take advantage of it making the most of my surgery even though I am 6 yrs + post op. So I prepared to do the 5 day pouch test and I did it. Starting on Sunday and ended on Thursday. Since doing the test my eating has changed. I don't eat as much. I pay special attention to making sure I drink protein shakes. Take my Iron supplements and Multi vitamins like I am supposed and to drink water. All the foods I used to eat, snack, munch on - I don't anymore. I am drinking 4 - 5 protein shakes a day. Each drink has 20 grams of Protein in it. Some foods like Cheetos, french bread, soda, ice cream, coffee, tea, and sometimes candy like "m&m's" (my fav), those blended mochas, fast food, I haven't touched. If they're eating something like lasagne I'll eat something else like canned fish with cottage cheese and a few saltines. I don't know where this change in me is coming from but I like it. I think the difference is that I don't feel deprived from anything because I'm the one making the decision of what I eat or don't eat. And I hope it's only the beginning for a season to end my old habits and to kepp up with the new steps I have taken for new beginnings. In that sense it is never too late to get back on track of the losing side. I can't wait until I get weighed to keep you posted on how that's going and I can't wait to get over my flu so I can get back in the pool to do water aerobics.
I remember why I used to sneak food. It came from being afraid that if i don't get it while i can that I won't get the chance to another time. So there was always this urgency in me to sneak and gather food up for later when I'm by myself or as I told myself "For when I'm hungry later" but if I'm hungry later NOW I drink some water first. If 30 mins later I still feel hungry I'll make a Protein shake which is much better than anything from the above list to munch on.
I also had my first counsellor session. I asked my Mom to be around for the first meeting with him. Which probably was not the best idea because it was hard for me to talk freely because I didn't want her to think that what I'd say was an attack on her or my stepdad. That it's just what I think or how I'm feeling and the whole point of me talking to a counsellor is to get help with dealing with my feelings and emotions from both past and present.
Thanks for reading,
Marilyn
2 Comments
About Me
Puyallup, WA
Location
77.5
BMI
Surgery
01/24/2003
Surgery Date
Jun 25, 2004
Member Since
