17 Weeks or 4 months?

Jul 22, 2009

Here I am again.  Let's see.....I started dating.  weird.  I still feel like the unacceptable fat girl.  I met a couple nice guys, but I think I'll leave the internet dating world for now- just not ready.  I did stupidly sign up on eharmony for 3 months, so I'll keep moving forward with that, since there are no refunds.
I didn't like one man who always wanted to hold hands, hug, and give me kisses.  I was so uncomfortable I actually dumped him...walked away after a movie date, and never returned his calls.  That was mean of me, not unlike dates I have had happen to me.  But then I found myself in the frozen food aisle, looking at all the unhealthy foods I could eat, just like before surgery.  Trigger, or what?  So now I'm seeing a counselor.
I see that while I'm not eating poorly, in fact probably barely get in 1000 calories a day; when anxious, I head to the old comfort food.  Gotta nip that in the bud while I can.  I am NOT going to gain this weight back.  This whole thing has  been way too hard for me to give up on myself.
But I am writing again, and plan to finish this book.  My study looks great, and I hung a picture of Julia Child where I can see her....she didn't get famous until her 50's. 
My weight is weird.  I've been weighing on my home scale, and posting it here.  According to my home scale, I weigh about 180...but last week at my PCP, I weighed 201.  I know it's my scale, because when my sister and bro in law were here a couple weeks ago, they were surprised at how low their weight was. 
So I'll leave my tracker alone for now, and check in at the exercise room on their scale every week.
I am wearing size 16 pants very comfortably, and the 40C bra with two extenders became one extender, and I'll probably take the extender off soon.  Now if I could only fill the C cup....sigh.  I regret the breast reduction from 20 years ago now...that's for sure!
I cut my hair off short.  It's falling out like crazy, and easier to handle.  When I lose more, I think I'll go shorter.  Don't think I'll ever go long again...don't care what anybody says.
I still look in the mirror and see all that is wrong with me...hence the counselor.  Saggy leg skin, no muscles in my butt...it hurts to sit on the toilet!  baggy arms and belly, my ass looks like a fallen quiche.  so pretty...so pretty.
But I'm still here....still moving forward.  No choice. 

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