michelle.z
Big Changes...Fast Summer!
Sep 16, 2012
As of today, I am down 93 lbs since my RNY last November. I have lost weight slowly and steadily and to be perfectly honest, I'm happy with that! I went back and read my blogs from a year ago and it's so hard to believe so much has changed! Life is good and I am blessed.
I am almost finished with nursing school, and I will graduate in January! It's really flown by and I had the whole summer off, but am now back into it and so far so good with it.
On a not-so-positive note, I am now separated from my husband, and we are filing for divorce. We have been apart for 6 weeks now, and honestly, it's been the best thing. I am adjusting to being single again, and I have my 3 wonderful kids (by my first marriage) to keep me going. We were married 5 years, and things just kind of fell apart for us after he had his VSG last October. I guess you could say he is one of the "not so happy endings" of WLS. His weight loss really affected him in a negative way. He really was not prepared for the lifestyle changes that came with the surgery. Even though he went through the 6 months of medical management before hand, he truly was not prepared. Basically, he has wasted away, and continues to do so. He does not look good, feel good or think straight. His personality has completely changed to the point where he is withdrawn, doesn't enjoy life at all, and basically just sits and stares at the tv. He can eat very few things, and when he does eat, he throws it back up. This is stuff he doesn't bother to tell the doctor. He is on numerous prescription drugs from his PCP, for pain, anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder, you name it. He lost his job as a registered nurse for stealing prescriptions from patients. He has just made terrible chioces that he would not have ordinarily made. During the last 6 months of our marriage, we went nowhere or did anything together. I would ask him to go to the gym or for a walk with me, and he always declined. Basically, when he moved out, he just said he wasn't happy anymore. He has been seeing a therapist but I'm not sure if it will help him or not. I really honestly believe this VSG was a bad idea for him. He used to eat a LOT of food, and that was taken away from him very abruptly. I just don't think he enjoys his life anymore. He has lost about 100 lbs and he really looks sick, pale and scary. I really have decided to move on with my own life, focus on school and my family and leave this behind. I
don't see this as being a very pleasant divorce, so I just have to be ready for whatever comes.
I have to wonder how many others are out there who are struggling with their WLS. The ones you don't hear about, or see on here or go to support group meetings. They just struggle to get through the day with their new digestive systems and make poor choices. I don't know where I'd be without people to talk to...whether they've had surgery like me, or just friends who know what I've been through or support groups. I'd be lost! I've had to re-learn how to eat...what I can and cannot tolerate...ordering smaller portions when eating out, or even splitting a meal with someone, which I do often. I still have to drink a protein shake every day, usually at breakfast, to make sure I get what I need. My stomach still makes really loud digestive noises after I eat! Which can be so embarassing! But I get through it. I've told most everyone I know that I've had a RNY, and people are very supportive if you give them a chance. I really had a hard time at first telling anyone, feeling almost ashamed that I had to resort to something so drastic to lose weight. Now I feel great about what I did. No regrets at all! I would do it again for sure. I still have about 60 more pounds to lose, and today, I bought a pair of size 16 jeans, not 16W's and they fit very well! I can wear a regular size Large shirt now, and I still find myself creeping over to the Women's section of the store, still unable to fathom that I don't wear a size 24 anymore! It's a great feeling for sure, but I certainly will never forget how it felt to be where I was a year ago. I hope to be down to a 14 by the end of fall. We'll see what happens.
Still Here!
May 22, 2012
It's been awhile since I've been on here...so to my "buddies" who share my surgery date...sorry! I'm still alive! lol It's been a crazy month for my family. A month ago, my step-mother passed away kind of unexpectedly. She had been battling lung cancer, and was doing pretty well so we thought. Then she had one last round of chemo and it depleted her immune system, she got pneumonia and a horrible infection and had nothing to fight it with. So, it was a shock to say the least, especially after everything she had been through and fought off the past several months. She and my dad made a perfect pair, and he really is lost without her. So, among dealing with my own grief, I've been looking after him almost nightly. Finally getting to a point where I don't have to be there with him every evening now. He's doing a little better, a day at a time. So that on top of nursing school and my own family obligations has left me exhausted and with little time to spare. I'm still losing weight...haven't hit the 100 lb mark yet, but hope to get there soon. I am in a size 16 regular, not women's, and happy to be there! Hope to get to a 14 this summer. My eating habits have been TERRIBLE to say the least. By that I mean, I'm not getting the nutrition I need every day. Some days I forget my vitamins, and for a few days I really felt it. So I've been really adamant about keeping up with my supplements. Feeling my energy return for sure! And also, I've started back on protein shakes again twice a day. Gotta get myself back together here! I'm pretty sure that's why my weight loss has slowed down...my body isn't getting what it needs and so it's holding onto what it has. And my HAIR!!! It's thinning so much. I really can feel it and see it. Other's don't notice it, but I sure do! I have lost a LOT of hair. It really bothers me. I spoke with someone at the last support group meeting I went to and was assured that it will start to regrow very soon. Boy I hope so! So I am really making a full effort to get back to paying better attention to my nutrition and give my body what it needs. Not easy, but doable for sure. Oh, and my belly STILL makes obnoxious noises after I eat! I am super careful about what I eat at school because sometimes it's so loud other's can hear it too! (The girl next to me thought I was hungry one day and offered me a granola bar!! lmao!!!) Does anyone elses belly sound like there's a battle going on in there?!?! It's insane! And embarassing to say the least! But I just deal with it like everything else! lol Try and find the humor, that's all we can do!
Kids are almost out of school...10 more days! And in a few more weeks, I'll be out for the summer myself...can't wait! I look around my yard and see LOTS of projects to do this year...things I couldn't do last year because I was so heavy and miserable. I look at pics of me last summer and WOW! What a difference! No regrets at all. This surgery was by far the best thing I ever did for myself. For the first time since I was a teenager, I am looking forward to summer again. Hope everyone else is doing well! Now that the dust is settling, I'll be checking in more often again. Happy Memorial Day!
NORMAL clothes shopping!!
Apr 01, 2012
Last weekend, I spent the morning dragging out my bags of spring and summer clothes. As I started going through them, laying them out on the bed, my husband looked at the capris and said "Those are too big. I can already tell." They were 3X. I knew he was wrong, so I put them on in front of him, and they didn't even touch me! I was shocked! I mean, I knew I'd gotten smaller, but I never saw myself as "not 3X" anymore. I sorted through more stuff, trying on shirts and pants and shorts...all of them...too big! I was starting to like this! Last spring, they were all too tight! Now, they don't fit at all! When I was done, I had 3 bags of clothes to give away...3 BAGS! I have very few things I can wear now, so little by little, I've been buying new stuff, not spending too much because what I buy now, isn't going to fit in a month. I bought a really cute pair of jeans last month that are now almost too big already. I am now a size 16 comfortably. At the time of my surgery, I was a 26.
I bought new size 16 capri's and jeans, and wanted a new shirt too. I was still in the "plus size" dept, and everything I tried on, was too big. My son was with me buying clothes also, and I came out of the dressing room and told him nothing fit as far as tops went. He looked at me and said "Why are you shopping over here? Go to the "regular" section! I did, and found a couple of shirts I liked, size Large, and tried them on....they fit perfectly. I was amazed....and then I realized...I am no longer "plus sized." I almost cried in the dressing room. I just never saw myself as not being 3X anymore. I couldn't get out of that mindset! I still have a hard time believing it.
It's been years since I was able to wear something that didn't have an "X" in the size! I cannot describe how that feels, and those of you who have been there know what I'm talking about. People notice my changing body, moreso than I do. It takes a long time I guess to readjust your thinking. Someone called me "sexy and attractive" the other day. I told them to get some glasses! I'm not "there" yet. I can't feel like that at this point. In my mind, I'm still 300 lbs, or close to it. I know the clothes don't lie, nor do my friends and family. But I just need to "catch up" to my body. I feel great! I move so much better...I feel great when I work out...I just don't feel "sexy and attractive!" I'm not seeking compliments here...that's how I honestly feel. Someday, I will. I never imagined that just 5 months after surgery, things would be THIS much better! My mood is better, I'm happy pretty much all the time...I feel almost "high" a times. It's a good feeling!
I'm at the end of the term at nursing school, and these past 10 weeks have flown by! Final exams are this week and then we get some time off, and boy do I need it! Looking forward to spring cleaning and spending time being a mom...with lots more energy than in years past, and lots more enthusiasm! This has literally changed my life...every aspect of it, and I don't regret a single moment of having WLS! It's been worth it so far! And it's only getting better!
I hope you all have a wonderful Spring!
Couch to 5K
Mar 11, 2012
I've always admired runners. Whether they run for speed or distance, I've always thought that was awesome to be able to do that. I was never much of a runner, even back in my younger days I just didn't seem to have the stamina. As I got older and started putting on weight, I especially didn't have the stamina. I would walk for exercise, and really improve over time, but then quit, and get discouraged. Fast forward to 305 lbs...I kinda figured at that point, it was never gonna happen.
I've been hitting the gym regularly and frequently all winter long. Along with weights, I've also built myself up to 40 mins on either the treadmill or the elliptical at a pretty good pace, watching my heart rate to keep it in the target range. (I read a book not too long ago about fitness that said "You have to slow down to get faster." Meaning, monitor your heart rate even if you have to slow down to an almost uncomfortable pace.)
Yesterday, the weather was beautiful here, so I decided to do my weight training at the gym, then take my son for a brisk walk on the awesome trails we have in our area. We did this last year, but I was very heavy and not able to really walk for far, and definitely NOT at a brisk pace! But we made the effort anyhow. Yesterday, I noticed a HUGE difference! I walked faster, my posture was better, my feet and ankles didn't hurt and I could breathe! It felt amazing! We had the best time. With the weather turning nicer (I hope) we plan to do this a few times a week. I'm bored with the treadmill and elliptical and doing that part of my exercise outside feels really good. We were in good company too...bike riders, families out for walks, and of course, runners. I secretly wished in my mind that I was running. I decided to go home and do some research on how to begin running, without tearing up my knees, ankles and feet. I have a bad ankle and foot, so I have to be really careful with what I do. (It comes from working a really hard job with a ruptured tendon at one time and caused me excruciating pain, and took a long time to heal, but it never healed normally.)
I found a site called "Couch to 5K" and it's for beginners who want to start running, and it's designed to get you running 3 miles in 2 months. But it gives you a good way to start so you don't beat up your body and get discouraged and quit, which is where so many people fail. It sounds like a great plan, and I really think I'm going to give it a try this week. It really sounds "do-able" for me. And if it's not, then I can always work on walking a little more and try again in a few weeks. But I really DO think this is for me. We'll see how it goes.
I've been "stuck" at 233 for 2 weeks now. I'm hoping if I do this, it will get me out of this stall. I've experienced about 3 stalls since my surgery in November, and it's frustrating to say the least! I'm really trying to get out of the 200's here! My clothes are going down in size, and that tells me SOMETHING is happening, it's just not happening with the scale! With me being in school now and the stress that is coming with that, I'm sure it's not helping. But after a long day of classes I'll admit it feels great to get up and move rather than go home and collapse on the couch, which some nights it's very tempting to do! Old habits die hard...time to get new ones!
Here Comes the Birthday...
Mar 04, 2012
I was looking at some "before" pics earlier, and comparing them to my pics now. All I can say is "ew!" I'm not at my goal yet, but I'm getting there, and I'm certainly not where I was 4 months ago! And I feel so much better! That's the main thing!
I am losing a bit of hair, not enough to notice it on my head, but I get a lot on my clothes and in the brush, and it comes out on my fingers when I'm washing my hair. Annoying, but it was to be expected. I just carry a sticky roller with me everywhere I go. Hopefully it will end soon. All I can do is keep taking my vitamins and eat the right foods. The rest will take care of itself hopefully.
People are noticing my weight loss more and more, and that makes me feel great. (Even my 87 year old aunt who is nearly blind noticed it yesterday! My blurry image must not be as large to her! lol) My trainer at the gym told me to ditch my winter coat in favor of a smaller one because it "hides" me. So I dug out one I hadn't worn in ages and put the other one in the "give away" bag.
I feel good about life again. That to me means more than anything! To get up in the morning and just feel like it's going to be a good day, is awesome! Haven't felt like that ever I don't think! This really is going to be the best year!
70 Lbs Gone Forever!!
Feb 25, 2012
I did go out and buy some new clothes this week, which for the first time in a LONG time, was fun! My jeans are all too big, so I needed new ones and so from the time of my surgery until now, I've gone from a size 26 to a 20. I have size 16's and 14's in my closet from ages ago that I will one day be back into. I see the numbers on the scale go down, but when you can actually SEE your body changing, it's very motivating. I'm approaching my 4 month post surgery mark soon, and so far, I have NO regrets!
Almost at 3 Months!
Feb 01, 2012
Things here at home have improved...my husband and I are getting along ok, and he seems in better spirits. I haven't forgotten any of the things he told me a couple of weeks back...not by a long shot! But I just have to take things a day at a time, and get through school before I make any major life altering decisions. He's getting used to his new body, and dealing with his "divorce" from food. That's tough for him. I get that. We'll see where we are at the end of the year. Have a blessed week!
Almost 11 Weeks Out-Big Changes
Jan 21, 2012
Knowing I'll never again wear clothes that big.I'm also starting school next week to finish up my nursing degree. By the end of this year, I'll be done! I've been in school for 4 years, part time. When I reached such a heavy weight, it got to be so hard for me to focus on school. All I could think about was were people staring at me? There were so many skinny girls all over the place and I felt so out of place. Then it got to be difficult to get around campus and sit in cramped desks. I just gave it up for the past year in hopes of having surgery and getting myself back on track. I feel really excited and ready to finish the home stretch! Finally knowing I'm going to be doing something I love gets me really pumped!
On a not so happy note....my husband, youngest son and I just got back from a trip to Florida last week. It was ok, other than it was kind of chilly down there for most of the trip. But we visited friends and stayed at my dads winter house down there. It was nice to get away. But as you know, my husband had a VSG in October, and has lost an incredible amount of weight. He revealed to me that he regrets having it done. He said he misses being able to just eat whatever he wants, and as much as he wants of it and wishes he could have just one day to just binge. He asked me if I regretted it, and I do not. We went out to a Chinese place down there that my son loves, and I made a not so good choice and got very sick from it. My own fault, because there was plenty of stuff to choose from, but I chose to take a few bites of sesame chicken, which is breaded and loaded with sugar, and wow! I was in misery!! But I slept it off and when I woke up, I felt ok and the lesson was learned! Stick to what you know works....steamed veggies and chicken with no sauce and breading!! But anyhow, he looks pale, his energy level is low, even though he faithfully takes his supplements, and he just seems in a daze. Upon our return from our trip, he revealed to me he is not happy in our marriage, feels like he doesnt "fit in" here with me and my sons, and has contemplated moving out. I was shocked. We have never done anything to make him not fit in here. We'll be married 5 years in July, been together for 7, and even though my kids are getting older now, they still like him and respect him. This is the first marriage for him, and really, I'm the longest relationship he's ever had. He has been a loner most of his life. I just wonder if he just can't adjust to sharing a house with 4 other people. He's seeing a therapist he says to help him "deal with us and help him fit in." I have no problem with that, except, why did he not tell me about it and include me? I would love to sit down and try to help him figure it out. And why didn't he come to me first? His mother knows everything because he's told her he was thinking of leaving. (This was my house before we got married, he moved in with us.) Now I feel awkward around her, and now I know why she doesn't come over as much. His family is very particular about their houses, everything has to be neat and orderly....their houses don't look lived in. They don't have kids, or their friends in and out like we do at our house. I keep the house clean, but it's lived in. Not everything has a place sometimes. He has a hard time with that. And it got back to me that his mother thinks its terrible that I "don't keep my house any better than that." That hurt my feelings. I mentioned it to my husband and he just defended his mother. His mother has always been very critical of him, and was always commenting on his weight. Now that he's losing weight, she harps on him about his his hair loss! Not a whole lot you can do about that! I really don't know what to do anymore. Our marriage is not the greatest. We don't really fight and argue, but I really have the feeling he doesn't even care about me anymore. Now that this is all out, I really am clueless as to how to fix this, or if I even want to. We have ZERO intimacy in our marriage, and haven't had that for a long time. I'm lucky to get a kiss. He's said many times that sex is not important to him. But to not have it at all to me is just not normal.
I've decided I can't go through a divorce and try to concentrate on school too. So I'm going to try to make it work this year. He's looking for a new job, and hopefully that will get him back into a routine again. I'll do my thing and get finished with school and see where we're at in December. I've dedided that I'm not going to live in an unhappy marriage. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm too young to live like this too. There are lots of other factors in this as well, but too many to get into on here. Bottom line is, I just don't know if we are what the other one needs or wants anymore. I'm very outgoing and he is introverted and happy in front of the tv every night. I guess we'll see what the year brings.
Almost 9 Weeks....100 more lbs to go!
Jan 07, 2012
Today I had some great NSV's...we're leaving for Florida on Monday, and I was going through my shorts. Many of the shorts I bought last year in Florida in March are too big and no longer fit! I have a whole stack to give away. Bye-bye size 24 and 26! I will NEVER wear you again!! I am now between a 20-22. Not where I want to be, but I'll get there. My goal is a size 14. That's the size I was when I looked and felt my best. We'll see what happens. I guess you don't realize how much your body is really shrinking until you actually see it in your clothes.
7 Weeks and Survived Christmas!
Dec 25, 2011
We had a great day filled with family, friends and food. I behaved and stayed on track for the most part, I DID allow myself a few very small treats, but nothing that made me feel bad or anything. I have to admit, it was NICE to step on the scale this morning and not see it go UP five pounds! I felt great all day, and loved not being stuffed and miserable like in years past. I truly enjoyed the whole day, and cooking for my family is one of my joys. That will never change just because I don't eat as much anymore.
We saw some family on my husbands side we hadn't seen in awhile, since before our surgeries, so they were shocked at how much weight my husband has lost...60 pounds since October. I see him every day, so to me, it's not as much of a shock. His aunt, who is very opinionated, pulled me aside and told me she thought he looked terrible, like he was sick. (Now before, she was the first one to say how fat he was and that he should lose weight!) Her comment to me was "Why did you guys have to go to such drastic measures? I mean, you got fat on your own. Why couldn't you lose weight on your own too?" lol!! What do you say to that right? I had to come up with a response that was polite, so I just said that we WERE losing it on our own, we did the surgery to make sure it STAYS off this time. Somehow, I don't think she bought it, but that's ok. That's really the only off the wall comment I've had to deal with since our surgeries. Everyone else who knows, which is most of his family, was VERY supportive and encouraging, and that cancelled out the one negative comment of the night. My mother-in-law is constantly asking us when she sees our plates "Are you allowed to eat that?" That gets a little annoying, but I'm good with it. I don't fly off the handle or anything. There are always going to be those who don't "get it" and think we took the easy way out. That's fine. As long as we get it, we're good! We know it's not easy, far from it! Especially on days like yesterday when you really have to limit yourself around what used to be your favorite things that you looked forward to every year. My problem was getting thirsty, and just wanting to chug down some water, and knowing I couldn't "chug" but that I have to just sip. When I was busy cooking and talking and visiting, I kept forgetting to carry around my glass of water, and it caught up to me! I'll learn!
All in all though, it was a great day! I hope it was great for all of you as well! Looking forward to a great NEW Year!!
