morgans

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4 oz Diet V8 Tropical Blend Splash (5 cal)
1/2 scoop Unjury unflavored (yeah, right) protein powder (40 cal)
1 Nexium
2 gummy vites (15 cal)
A few sips of black coffee 

Monday night I wanted to die. Really. I was moaning and so uncomfortable and hitting the pain button really didn't do anything for me but put me to sleep. I just kept thinking about how awful I felt and how it was completely unreversible and oh man, it was bad.

Now I just really want the rest of this gas to go away. The pain from the incisions is not bad - especially compared to having almost 14 pounds of breast removed when I had a mamoplasty a few years back. That was soreness.

My biggest stress today is writing email to my mom and sisters that I've had this surgery. Nope - didn't tell them. My youngest sister is a yoga instructor, my middle sister has lost a ton of weight with diet and exercise and my mom has never had to worry about her weight.

So I'm kind of dreading this.

A day away and I'm actually feeling pretty Zen. And hungry. I was planning on the only actual food today to just be a few pieces of sashimi for lunch but got a hunger headache and so had a 0% fat Fage later. I'm going to have a little V8 juice and then water with lemon juice for the rest of the night. I don't have a lot of fat in my diet anyway, but I did stick to the shake for breakfast, shake for lunch and very small dinner this week. I guess overall my liver looked pretty good in the workup.

I really have not wanted to tell anyone what's happening, and I'm a little peeved my husband spilled the beans to a friend. My best friend knows and three other of my closest girlfriends. I have not told my mom or sisters. No one at work knows. I've had to wear a blood bank bracelet all week and have fended off some concerned "Are you okay?" questions.

I don't know what I'll do when the pounds and the hair start dropping, but I'll just cross that bridge when I get there.

I feel pretty lucky that I spent a lot of time in 12 step programs - both OA and AA. They really gave me the tools to bring myself out of addiction of many kinds. 

By choosing to not drink today, I've strung together almost 20 years of sobriety. Would I die if I drank today? Maybe, maybe not. The point is that it's a decision that can always be put off until tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes today and I don't have to drink today.

I see a lot of posts on OH about the angst of "never being able to taste a cheeseburger again" and such nonsense. Of course you can taste a cheeseburger again - you just won't be able to eat the whole thing without feeling sick to your stomach so maybe just 1/2 a slider will be enough. Or put the decision off until tomorrow. 

Obviously we have to eat, which some days really sucks. But today I can choose to not buy the box of Ho-Hos because that is most definitely a food that I can not just have one of. I may not be able to get through the rest of my life without a Ho-Ho, but I can today. 

Yesterday I had my guts ultrasounded and digitally imaged. I got to see my stomach in action, which was pretty cool despite the fact that I had to drink vile things very quickly and not belch.

Apparently I have a ton of reflux even though I don't feel like I do. Maybe I've adjusted to it and just don't notice. Dr. McGill did not see a hernia, but said that if he sees one when he goes in he'll tighten it up.

I also saw three gallstones on the ultrasound, but Dr. McGill says he's not going to remove the gallbladder since I'm not having any problems with it.

I'm starting my mostly liquid diet now in anticipation of the big day - Monday.  That's going to suck by Sunday night, but I understand the reason for it. Definitely want to get the size of the liver down so it can be better out of the way and not in danger of getting nicked.

Dr. McGill is so nice and positive and gives me great confidence. 

I'm still debating on how to break it to my family. Not doing that until it's a done deal.

 June 18th is the day. eeeeek!

Between now and then I have a vacation where I'm going to see most of my family.  I have not told any of them about the surgery, nor am I planning on doing so. We see each other a couple of times a year so I think I can just pass it off as a good diet. Maybe.

I'm nervous about the whole thing. I did see someone's post that was reassuring - that this is not "food jail". I will still be able to eat probably most of the things I like, just not as much.

I do honestly wish that you could just take a pill once a day and not think about food the rest of the day. 

I changed jobs this last summer and now have really, really good insurance. I called and gave them the VSG code and they said I would need approval with all the documentation that applies but that they do cover bariatric surgery (and other bariatric-related things).

I've met with the surgeon and met with the dietician and am setting up appointments for the psychologist and the pulminologist.

Apparently it's a good thing I'm short - it makes my BMI much higher and therefore "in the zone".d

I'm hoping I won't need the 3 or 6 month physician-supervised "diet".

Fingers crossed everyone.

It may sound very strange to some, but since I started researching gastric surgery as an option, I now actually feel fat. I hardly ever felt fat before.  I am so hyper-aware of it now.

I have not had any full-length mirrors in my life in a very, very long time. It is always shocking to see photos of myself, so I try and never have that happen - at least anything more than the shoulders up. 

It's not that I thought I was thin - I just am so disconnected from my corporeal self that I didn't feel, well, fat.

I have lost about 12 pounds in the last 6 months. I am still considering surgery even though it will be self-pay. I am going to try a limited calorie plan for a short while to get a little further along so I can feel more comfortable exercising in the heat.

It's a weird space to be in.

My insurance does not cover any obesity treatment at all, for anything. Apparently you could be 400 pounds and dying with diabetes and there's no coverage.

Well... on to self-pay options, although that will be happening after we finish replacing our windows and do some electrical work and...

I am going to try (yet again) to get as much weight off as possible in the meantime. I think my work is closing in on a new office location and once that's set I can pick my gym. I've scouted a few in the area but the key thing is it needs a shower. I am a first thing in the a.m. workout kind of person so I want to roll out of bed and go.

I did email Dr. Alvarez and got a very informative email back. It's definitely an option.

Migraine yesterday, starting to bloat up, and for the next 2-3 days I will be like the Mighty Sarlaac - completely unable to not be ravenous. I recognize it for what it is and have grown accustomed to eating nothing but bag after bag of salad over the couple of days this hits. So irritating though.

I was told in the seminar I went to that there is a hormone called Ghrelin that "lives" in the outer curve of your stomach that creates "appetite". If I get the sleeve it will be gone. Maybe this is something I should do some research on so if I'm unable to do WLS I can maybe at least make it through menstruation slightly more sane and less unsatisfied.