Joanne C.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

8/22/08
That is the sound of me falling off the Bandwagon. Followed closely by being run over by the wagon. Then the wagon backs up over me. And pulls forward over me again.

Now it is just sitting there idling, waiting for me to climb back on.

Please give me the strength to pull my still fat (although admittedly LESS fat) ass up on that wagon. I'm not done riding yet.

8/15/08

I realized the other night that I have lost as much as my youngest daughter weighs.

I got my husband to take some pictures, since I haven't done any in a while.

I know I have lost weight. My clothes sizes are smaller, and the number on the scale is lower. But when I look at the picture to me it looks about the same as my 1 year picture.

So I had my daughter hop on my back. I can't believe I carried that much weight around on a regular basis. No wonder I had turned into a couch potato and was tired all the time.

Then I got out my fat pants. The one and only large size clothes I kept. They are a size 28/30 and when I wore them at Christmas 2005, they were tight.

We both fit in them.

I love my band!

8/11/08
My sister called and told me Catherine’s had 75% off the Clearance price.

I did not find very much that would fit me. It was all too big (yah!). But I did try on a couple of things.

I could not believe the mirrors in their fitting rooms. They make you look thinner than you really are. I even walked out of the dressing room and looked in the 3 way mirror. Same thing.

Now I can see how they would think this would work. Fat woman don’t look at themselves in the mirror too much. And especially not in a full length, or 3 way mirror. So in the dressing room they see themselves, and think, Hey-this outfit makes me look thin-I’m buying it.

I could tell right away though. I DO look at myself all the time in my full length, non-optical illusion mirror. I know what I look like. And what I saw at Catherine’s in the dressing room, that’s not what I really look like. I even checked as soon as I got home to be sure.

I think they should be ashamed of themselves.

8/2/06

I think my one and only complaint about the band is that it is so FICKLE. I don't like the inconsistency.

It is such a wide variance of restriction from morning until night, much less from day to day.

I guess technically that is not the bands fault, but is changes in my body that effect the band.

Last Saturday, no restriction anywhere in sight. And it is very bad when that happens on a Saturday. All that free time to eat bad stuff. We went to lunch at a Chinese buffet. I had 2 plates. Now, granted, the amounts on the plates were WAY smaller than pre-band. But still. I should not be able to eat that much food with 3.5 cc's in.

Then starting Tuesday morning - tight! This is the tightest I have felt since my surgery. I could feel my Slimfast sitting in there for a while before it went through.

Wednesday - same thing. And I had an appoint with my band doc that afternoon. I was planning on asking for just a small tweak. I wanted to see my band on the new office flouro. I had never had one before.

I explained how the Saturday was no restriction but how that had changed the last couple of days. We discussed it and eventually decided to try a small fill of .2.

So they put it in and take me to the flouro machine. I drink the barium. And there it sat. Barely a trickle going through. So he took out all of it, I drank water to flush it through. Then he tried .1. Drank more barium. A slightly bigger trickle, but still barely there. Remove, flush, add .05.

That seemed ok. He was hesitant to let me have even that much. I was still pretty tight. But I since I had just been loose and then suddenly tightened up, he didn't want it to loosen up too much again. So we figured that with this amount I would either end up with tight restriction and I would have to be careful or I would loosen up and it would be good restriction.

So far I am staying pretty tight. Not dangerous tight. I wouldn't do that. I never intend to be tight enough that I have to worry about jeopardizing my band. But this is the most restriction I have ever had.

7/23/08
I have come a long way.

Today was Birthday Day at work. Everyone brings food and everyone snacks. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Inevitably, someone brings a couple of boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And there are always some of very favorite; cream filled with chocolate icing.

There have been times when I would end up eating 6 or 7 over the course of the day. Plus the 3 or 4 plates of just food.

I always give in to the cravings. No matter what I say to myself, no matter how much I try to talk myself down, I would end up eating WAY too much.

I would sit in my cube and hide. I would go out of my way to not walk by the desk where all the food was. But it never worked, I always caved in.

But not today.

I brought 2 low sugar, low fat pudding/jello pies that I made. I had a piece of the banana flavored one, a strawberry, 4 watermelon squares and 2 sausage balls.

And I walked away from the doughnuts, and the chocolate dipped lace cookies, and the kolaches, and the sausage/pancake on a stick. And I can tell I am ok, and I won't go back.

Starting out at over 300 lbs, when losing 100 lbs just barely puts a dent in it, it is just too overwhelming. Somewhere along the way I quit looking at the big picture - the long, long road ahead - and started just focusing on TODAY. Can I eat healthy for today? Sometimes I have to break it down even more – can I eat healthy for this meal, can I say "No Thank You" to the Krispy Kreme's? Usually that's a yes, sometimes it is still no. But there are a lot more yes than no.

I have been trying to figure out where this new found "will power" is coming from. This is what I have come up with: It's not will power, but BELIEF. I have finally reached a point where I actually believe that I can do this. I will lose the weight, I will make it to whatever I chose my goal weight to be, and I will not gain it back. I can actually SEE it happening, and I never could before.

I have come a long way.

7/19/08

I was right. I did have a good week. -4.8! Total -110.2!

Wow.

I love my band.

7/17/08
Last Saturday I lost .6, so I am back to where I was.

And I have had a really good week. So I am looking forward to weighing in on Saturday.

I go back to my doc at the end of the month. I thought I was going to be ready for a small fill -I have 3.5 out of 4 cc's - but now I am not sure. I still seem to have some restriction sometimes.

Lunch today was only half of my WW tv dinner. The rest is sitting here next to me. I should throw it away. Usually if I wait about 20 minutes the overly "fullness" passes and I can eat more. I probably don't NEED to eat more. So I am throwing it away.

I did it. Why was that so hard for me to do? After over 2 years, you would think my head would be better in line with my band.

I have started keeping my "before" picture on my desk at work. It helps to keep me out of the vending machine. I don't know if it is the picture or because I caved last week, but I haven't wanted a Snickers or M&M's or anything.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be under 200 before the end of the year. That is around 30ish pounds. That is a completely realistic and doable goal.

So let it be written, so let it be done. (what's that from???)

7/8/08

I'm doing better. I feel marginally more in control.

Although I did eat a Snickers bar yesterday. I just haven't felt good. My whole left arm aches all the time (something with my rotator cuff). And I started my period yesterday. And I started getting cramps like I have never had before. I hurt so bad I was starting to think it wasn't just menstrual cramps and that something was wrong. It is not as bad, but I still don't know. And I am not sleeping good. And I am just all full of excuses.

I wanted a Snickers, so I ate one.

I did go back to Weight Watchers last Saturday. I had gained .4 of a pound. Not too bad.

6/30/08
I went out of state for 2 weeks for a little vacation. I did pretty good while I was gone. I ate pizza a few too many times, but I was pretty tight from flying and/or humidity, so I ate only little amounts at each eating.

But. I got out of the habit for exercising.

And I can't seem to get it back.

And now the eating has gone bad too. I actually had a doctor appointment and was still on the losing end. So I didn't get a fill.

Now. I am up by about 6lbs on my home scale. So who knows how much for real. I haven't gone to Weight Watchers to weigh in for the last too weeks.

I am going to bite the bullet and go Saturday. No matter what.

No matter that I had pizza at lunch today instead of the Smart Ones tv dinner.

No matter that I haven't been to the gym except maybe 2 times in the last few weeks.

I am going to face the music and hopefully it will help me to recommit.

Dec 2005 doctor visit: 338lbs

May 23rd WW weigh in: 237.4

I have NOW lost 100 lbs.

Can we get a WOOOOO HOOOOO!!??!!