msheavyhearted

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Dear “Friend”,

We’ve been together through thick and thin. (Let’s be honest... mostly thick!) You have been the one who I turned to when I needed support and companionship. Your presence in my life has been unwavering. I never once had to ask you to be present; you always seemed to know when I needed you most. Happy times, sad times, stressful times... you were there at a moment’s notice.

Some of my fondest memories include you. You were at my Grandparent’s house waiting for me every Sunday. You came to every celebration – no matter how trivial. Birthdays, baptisms, and burials – you were there! I never even had to ask for you to come to my Dad’s funeral. You knew just to show up. Who on earth can say they have a friend as loyal as mine?

I have been doing some soul-searching, Old Friend, and I have decided that our relationship must change. I realize that I have been depending on you when I should have been depending on myself. I have used you as a crutch instead of facing my demons on my own. I realize that I was the one who dictated the terms of our friendship and you were just along for the ride. Through self reflection, I realize that it is time for us to part ways. Your presence in my life has started to affect my health and my relationships with others. The relationship I have with you often isolates me from my loved ones. Honestly, I am afraid to go anywhere if I think you won’t show up. I’ve even been known to hide you from others that I love because I know they couldn’t understand our connection. It doesn’t take a professional to make me understand that if one has to hide a relationship, that relationship is an unhealthy one.

 

I have derived great joy from you in the past but now it feels like you have a hold on me that I cannot shake. I am preoccupied with thoughts of you and I am working hard to overcome your magnetism. What once felt like comfort is now feeling like an obsession. We’ve been together nearly 40 years now so it pains me to have to do this so abruptly. It has taken decades but I now know that in order for me to flourish, I need to cut all ties with those who harm me – even if the harm is unintentional. I thank you for being there when I needed you but now it is time for me to fly solo. I will mourn your constant companionship. I will remember with fondness some of the times we shared. I will cry tears for you. I have struggled with this decision but now that it’s done, I feel relief.

Good-bye, Food. I know you’ll still remain a part of my life but I will be the one dictating the terms from now on.

 

Warmly,

Thea

Nope, that`s not a typo. Much of this process seems to be hurry up and wait. Get the referral from your family doc then wait for the bariatric centre to call. Go to orientation then wait for assessment from the bariatric team. Wait for procedures (endoscopy, ultrasounds & sleep studies). Wait for an internist to go over the results. Wait for your file to be sent to the hospital where the surgery will actually be performed. Wait, still, for a meeting with the surgeon and wait for the pre-surgery class. Finally, the longest wait of all.... wait for them to call with a date.

I started this process with a referral back in the summer of 2010 and 2012 is just a couple of weeks away. I caved in and called Hamilton and told them I signed my consent on November 29th. They said I`d get a call in January with a surgical date. That means another 2-6 weeks to find out WHEN I`ll be having my surgery. Then, of course, another wait for the actual cutting to begin.

I am FRUSTRATED!!! I know, other people have waited longer but it seems most of the people I see post in the forums get their surgeries within a year of starting the process. What can I say? I'm jealous that I'm not already one of the ones waiting to fit into a smaller size rather than waiting by the phone hoping for it to ring. I feel like a teenage girl all over again... waiting for the cute guy to call and he never does. *Sigh*

As for a goal weight: who knows. People always ask me how much do you want to lose or what size I'd like to be. How can I possibly answer that when I don't remember being any smaller than a size 20 (and then just barely)? My normal weight should fall somewhere in the 105-140 lb range. I don't even dare to dream getting below 200 lbs. I often say I'd like to get to 150 lbs when someone pushes me into an answer. That number is somewhat arbitrary but... why can't I dream just 10 lbs smaller? What prevents me from dreaming "small"?

I'm 5'3" and I weigh 303 lbs. Isn't it interesting how easy it is for me to write/say those words? Yes, I know part of my comfort stems from the fact that this is a safe place - a place where nearly everyone has struggled with their weight for years. Unfortunately, I feel the ease with which I post my numbers comes from the complacency I have fallen into over the past 20 years. I weighed 150 lbs when I was 15. Overweight... but barely. I then proceeded to put on the weight a little at a time. A pound a month for years. It's easy to become complacent when it's a pound at a time. I didn't even really notice my expanding waistline until I reached 180 lbs - comfortably in the obese range of the BMI chart. After that, the pounds kept coming and I was exceptional at playing the denial game. Even at 303 lbs, size 24-26, and a Type 2 diabetic, I can still delude myself into believing I'm relatively healthy and I look okay (Until I see myself in pictures, that is!) . How can this be? What is wrong with me????

I'm well on my way into the process of getting my RNY gastric bypass surgery. I live in Ontario, Canada so things take time here. I love my country. I wouldn't change living here for anything. I am so thankful for universal health care. I am thankful that I don't have to deal with insurance companies. I am thankful that there are bariatric centres of excellence and a network of bariatric clinics that are knowledgeable and welcoming to people of my girth.I am thankful that I have at my disposal: surgeons, nurse practitioners, psychologists, dieticians, social workers and a co-ordinator and secretary that are awesome and only a phone call away. I am thankful that my government provides me with a grant to help defray the costs of travel to the hospital that will perform my surgery. I am thankful that the team will follow me for five years post-op and I won't have to pay for any of these visits. The only downside.... wait times. I began the process 16 months ago and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Although I don't have a surgery date yet I've been assured that it's just around the corner. It'll likely be in January 2012... February at the latest.

As I write this I:
   * struggle with my eating
   * struggle with being active
   * feel like I am NEVER going to have a surgical date
   * think I should get some therapy to help with my head before I get my "guts rearranged"
   * cannot imagine being smaller than a 2X

I'm hoping to find some people with which I can share my journey. I believe support is one of the keys to success. I look forward to seeing myself shrink in body and grow in spirit.