Its been awhile

Apr 02, 2009

Okay ya'll......Its been a very long time since I've been on my OH profile.  I think I've been hiding out.  I think this has always held me accountable for my food and weight and so I've been scared to come back.  No I havent gained my weight back but I have made lots of bad food choices and this has been very overwhelming.  It will be 2 years since my surgery in Aug of this year and I still have not reached my goal of 160 lbs.  I eat whatever I want especially chocolate.  Now dont get me wrong, I cant eat alot of it at once but I do eat it everyday.  Im so scared that I will gain all my weight back and I dont know how to control it.  The old mind set starts working and it tells me that I cant ever finish a diet and I cant ever hit a goal and automatically I start sabotaging my self and my weight loss.  Why do I do this?  All of my life I have come so close to finishing things and then I stop.  What is it that causes me to stop?  I have no idea.  I dont go to counseling although I have lots of friends now who have had this surgery.  My dad has even had the gastric sleeve since the last time I wrote.  He was doing awesome and has lost alot of weight but I see him doing the same things except his crutch is alcohol where mine is chocolate.  I was watching Oprah this morning and Starr Jones was on talking about her gastric bypass and how ashamed she was of it.  I am not ashamed of having it but sometimes I do hate telling people I had it.  I feel like they look at me as a wimp or someone who took the easy way out.  So many people dont realize this is NOT the easy way out.  This is not a magic wand, obviously or else I would be skinny now.  Im still in size 12 pants and I weigh 172.  My goal was to reach 160.  I've had 3 surgeries in the past year and infact am supposed to be on strict bed rest as we speak.  I would like to use the excuse that this has stalled my weight loss but Im not that naive to believe that.  I just make the wrong food choices.  My body doesnt get sick when I eat chocolate.  It does if I eat too much but that doesnt help me stop the initial eating.  Now that Im typing this and actually getting it out its making me aware of how bad things have gotten.  I hate that I was given a second chance at being a happy, healthy, thin person and now im abusing it.  My goal was to be healthy and thin and feel better about myself but all I see is the failure I am.  I havent reached my goal.  That is all I see.  I have the tape measure out today so I can do my measurements and Im fixing to go surf the chat rooms and get some inspiration.  This site did inspire me and motivate me in the beginning and Im praying that this is just what I need to get back on course.  I am typing this for two reasons.  One, I need to hold myself accountable for what I've been doing and 2, I think someone out there is going through the same thing and we can motivate each other.  Either way I am back and as soon as I am released from this bed rest I am gonna be back at the gym and eating better.  I am gonna start the eating better now.  I want to be healthy and I want to be out of double digit clothes once and for all.  Thanks for bearing with me all these months and thanks to all my dependable friends who never stopped caring and writing.  It meant alot.  MUAH

The last time I did this was last year in April so this is my yearly comparison.lol

Last weight: 195    Current weight: 172     23 lbs lost
Arms: 13 in             Arms: 12 in        1 inch lost
Waist: 35 in            Waist: 33 in        2 inch lost
Chest: 40 1/2 in    Chest: 37 in        3 1/2 inch lost
Hips: 46 in             Hips:  41in          5 inch lost
Thighs: 26 in         Thighs: 24 in      2 inch lost
Neck: 13                Neck: 12 1/2 in   1/2 inch lost

Weight loss: 23 lbs
Inch loss: 14 inches

Total weight loss to date: 136 lbs
Total inch loss to date: 58 inches

Wow, I guess I did better than I thought.  This may be just the inspiration I needed to get this going again!  I can do this!

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