Nee000
Feelings of Resentment Towards My Mother
Oct 13, 2011
After years of suppressing and struggling with my relationship with my mother, I finally feel like I have some insight. My anger towards her has become more intense in the past few years because my mother decided to become an invalid after one of my sisters died suddenly. She has had every test run and there is no medical reason as to why she all of a sudden woke up one day and couldn't walk or do anything else for herself. The one ability that she didn't lose / let go of is her desire to control everything. I do my share, but everytime its my turn to care for her, I experience the most intense feelings of anger and resentment. Then I feel guilt, after all it is my mother and I'm supposed to help her, right? Anyway....I've been doing some sould searching as I don't like the thoughts or feelings of anger that I feel towards her. For example, my uncle died recently and my thought was, "Why wasn't it my mother?" or "I'll be glad when this part of my life is over." Then I feel the guilt. I love her, but her choice, whether it be do to depression or whatever, was a selfish one and it has caused strain on the family. Her attitude also frustrates that hell out of me, she's so freaking ungrateful! She wears the attitude of entitlement and I can't stand it. Then in the next breath, she will complain and dog the ones that sacrafice and do for her. After one of my sisters talked to her about her her attitude, she now will say thank you, but it means nothing as the attitude is still so prevalant.
I realized this morning, that part of my anger and resentment towards her is that I hate always having to sacrifice to make sure that her needs are met, when as child and growing up, as a mother, she didn't do that for me. My mother has always been about herself and has always invested her time and energy into people (family members) who were least deserving. Those same people don't even visit her or give a rat's patootie about her now that she doesn't have much to give.
I know that I have to resolve these issues and feelings of resentment and anger, but I struggle. I realize that my relationship with her has affected my relational attitude towards others.
Who ever said life isn't fair is right on the money.
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I realized this morning, that part of my anger and resentment towards her is that I hate always having to sacrifice to make sure that her needs are met, when as child and growing up, as a mother, she didn't do that for me. My mother has always been about herself and has always invested her time and energy into people (family members) who were least deserving. Those same people don't even visit her or give a rat's patootie about her now that she doesn't have much to give.
I know that I have to resolve these issues and feelings of resentment and anger, but I struggle. I realize that my relationship with her has affected my relational attitude towards others.
Who ever said life isn't fair is right on the money.
Facing Denial Is A Monster!
Sep 15, 2011
Denial is such a powerful coping tool. While it allows us to keep moving and functioning in spite of our issues, it also staunches growth and prevents the healing process from beginning. I completed my 2nd session with the trainer yesterday and I wanted to literally cry. The session wasn't hard at all, but I was just disappointed that I was struggling with "baby" exercises. Although I have been exercising and can now walk up a flight of stairs w/o breathing like an animal, I'm still quite out of shape. I wanted to subcumb to denial and put my hand over my ears as the trainer discussed the results of my assessment. Everything was waaaay below average. My core strength and balance levels are awful. Then he made the mistake of opening my folder and I saw where, in RED and circled, he'd written "go slow, she becomes easily frustrated". Instinctively I thought, "M F'er", but he was right. I just didn't like knowing that he knew. He doesn't realized that I saw it, but I literally wanted to cry! ....and I don't cry very easily. While I know it will take time and a whole lotta "stick to it-ness", in that moment, I just felt pathetic, hopeless, sad, etc...
The GOOD Ness is that normally, I would feed my emotions, but last night, I didn't. I finished my cardio then came home w/o stopping for comfort food.
Big accomplishment for me. Especially since I have been going through at work, but I'll write about that later.
Things that I Learned....
1. I enjoyed the one on one attention that I received from the trainer. No, I'm not an attention whore. I'm quite the opposite. It just felt good investing in me and knowing that I was doing something for myself rather than always attending to the needs of others.
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The GOOD Ness is that normally, I would feed my emotions, but last night, I didn't. I finished my cardio then came home w/o stopping for comfort food.
Big accomplishment for me. Especially since I have been going through at work, but I'll write about that later.Things that I Learned....
1. I enjoyed the one on one attention that I received from the trainer. No, I'm not an attention whore. I'm quite the opposite. It just felt good investing in me and knowing that I was doing something for myself rather than always attending to the needs of others.
