neisha =.
My name is Neisha. I am 36 years old. I have always struggled with my weight. At this time I really don't feel like being too personal. I will say, I had a Vertical Gastric Banding done about 10 years ago and never really lost like I should have and now I have gained all of the weight I did lose back. Needless to say, there have been many losses and gains in this time. When surgery doesn't even work WOW! That really makes you feel like a failure! My mom had bypass done about 22 years ago and she still looks great. I am scheduled for surgery on the 20th of June with Dr. Aguirre, in Ensenada. My husband doesn't understand my need for this and very few friends do. But I am doing this.
*******Addition********
I do fear death when thinking about the surgery, any mature responsible adult should. We all know that is a possibility with this
surgery, any surgery.................anytime in life. Although I did consider laproscopic over open surgery, I must do my surgery open. But after research I would have opted for open surgery anyway. I know that may sound crazy but when doing lap., they are using little tools to grab your body parts, particularly the intestines and sometimes if they squeeze these "tongs" too much it can cause small tears and then leaks occur. This happened to a friend of mine who had the surgery done @ a Bariatric Center in Oklahoma. A top facility. 3 weeks after the surgery he woke up in excruciating pain and went to the emergency room. They had to completely do the surgery over and he was then in the hospital for 10 days. This is what people die from. Yes, other things cause this too, I'm just saying if he wouldn't have taken immediate action then he may not still be hear. He regrets having the surgery and is still having difficulty eating. But he is 3 1/2 months out of surgery and has lost 97 lbs and looks very healthy and feels fine now. I do think this surgery is harder on men. Eating is a masculine thing and when you eat only tiny portions it makes you look
like a wuss. For women if you eat a lot your a slob and a pig. Eating small amounts makes you more "lady like".
Now............................knowing all of this with my friend I have still decided to have the surgery. My husband really had hesitations after this. But my husband doesn't know that gloom that clouds my life. No one sees that except me. . I am a very happy, positive person but on the inside this vicious monster of depression lurks. NOONE knows this or sees this so they can not understand my need for this surgery. I am a very active, vivacious person who is full of life...........................and now I REALLy will be.
My mom told me, "You either have to accept the idea that you are going to have this surgery or you are going to have to accept that you will always be this size or larger. No matter how hard you try, this will always be an unending battle. You have fought it for
37 years and only won and couple of times." The victories were short and VERY unhealthy. If I stayed this size I knew that high blood pressure and diabetes would bite me in the ass sooner or later. The weight is very much genetic. My mom did this surgery 22 years ago. No I am not grossly large and I do carry my weight well but I still have 100 to 120 pounds that I can never seem to shed. It is affecting my back and knees. After my RNY, back surgery still might have to happen. If it does though, I know recovery will definately be a lot easier on a thin body!
I do take considering death very serious. I have even secretly wrote a good-bye lettter to my husband and sons. That was
tough but I also felt I was safe and it was just a precaution I was taking. I have made sure I am at peace with my life and at peace with my Lord. I do not want to die but I also do not want to live like this everyday. It is a VERY selfish surgery and it should be. If we would have been more selfish in the past we might not be in this situation. But it is also a very giving surgery because there is so much life you can give back. I have a wonderful life but this is one thing that always made me feel like a failure and I could never get ahold of it. I feel so much guilt because my husband and kids are so great and I know I can give them so much more. I was married to a real jerk before and I gave him so much more, so why can't I do that now? Because of my weight.
Very few people, if any understood this. They did not see me as a "fat" person who is lazy and miserable..........but I am starting to feel that and that strangers see it too. This last month or two I have become very self concious and I am typically a very confident, uninhibited person. It is like I can read their minds and hear them calling me a fat slob and see me thru their eyes as disgusting. I know that sounds wacko but I never understood shyness or insecurity before and this has really given me some insight.
