The sneaky snackified blog...SUCK IT NUT CLUSTERS!

Jun 11, 2010

I don't want my weight and the loss of said weight to be the center of my universe.  I don't want food to be the center of my universe.  I don't want exercise and the proper calorie count to be the center of my universe. 

I never thought changing the laws of physics and defying the boundaries of the cosmos were going to be on my daily agenda.  Today it is.  I've been a good girl.  A damn good girl.  The kind of kick-your-high-calorie, carb-entrenched ass all over the place mindset has taken over.

I do cardio 3-4 times a week.  I think it's cardio...Richard Simmons, grooving to whatever Rich and I are in the mood to groove to.  I'll admit it, I get down with him.  It's actually quite a work out...and just watching him shake his hips is amusing enough to keep me entertained.

I pack my daily food bag.  I measure everything out...and thanks to a very healthy love of ALL foods, I love eating the healthiest of the healthy stuff.  I don't crave the carbs, not really...I know what I'll feel like once that first bite goes down.   All in all, give me a stick of string cheese.  I'm a happy girl.  

I'm working on my food log.  It's a blue book with white polkie dots that gets to go everywhere with me.  It's filled with happy faces, sad faces, angry faces following food items.  I can honestly tell you that the happy faces far outweigh everything else. 

I've lost 52 lbs.  I tell myself, this is 52 lbs that I wouldn't have lost without my sleeve.  I should be proud of myself.  But it seems like a cheat.  I lost 25 pre-surgery.  In the hospital, I gained that 25 back in water weight.  I lost that 25 within the first two months after the surgery.  I once made it down to 192...(oh the glory days!) but a movie, soda and popcorn (and yes, I knew/know better) brought me back up to 204 pretty much overnight.  It's been about a month since that 192 hit and the weight loss gods are punishing me.  I can feel it.  This isn't a stall...this is an ass-kicking.  I'm not whining, I'm repenting.

I have a full life...how much of that full life should be devoted to my weight loss?  The more I focus on weight loss, the more I focus on food and the more I focus on food, the more I stray towards bad habits.  I want this tool to work, I want this lifestyle change to continue...I don't want to be pacified with people telling me my body is in shock (I've had two more surgeries after the sleeve for non-sleeve related things).  I don't want people telling me that as a revision patient, I'll lose weight slower.  I don't want people telling me that because I didn't start out as an uber heavy weight, I won't lose as fast.  

I want just one person, ONE person to say...HEY!  I've been where you're at.  I sometimes screwed the pooch on this lifestyle change, but overall I was good.  I didn't exercise 10 hours a day and get a personal trainer and/or join a gym.  I hit stalls that lasted weeks or months...merely months after the surgery.  I drank and ate my protein like a crazy protein starved person...but the weight didn't fall off.  It crept off.  I want one person to say that they truly understand where I'm at.  June 4 was my four month anniversary date.  I was at 51lbs at that time.  

I'm writing this blog because the forums make me depressed and depression makes me snacky, but the boards also inspire me, which I need...and I wasn't inspired tonight...I was depressed.  So no Nature Valley nutclusters for me (bag is here, unopened...)  I'm going to snack on words tonight...and now I'm off to take a shower...no longer feeling snacky, but damn proud of myself that I didn't open the bag.  

Thank you!

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