April K.

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Apr 25, 2010

Not real proud of it, but it's true. I put on atleast 15 - count 'em 15 -  pounds in the last couple of months. My eating got out of control again. I know better! I know what to do to make this work for me, and I deliberately went slack on myself after hitting the 100 lb mark. Well, I've started to turn things back around and began losing again. It's slow, but it's happening. I've also started walking outside with my dogs in the evenings when I get home from work. Just controlling them on a leash is a workout! LOL

I feel really bad about letting myself go slack. I visited the allergist this past week, and one of the assistants is Patty. She has been one of my biggest supporters throughout all of this. She's always upbeat and happy and complimentary. I just love Patty. I was telling her how upset I was over the weight gain, and she reminded me of how great I look now and how I've lost 100 lbs, and that's no small feat. That really helped me. She is so sweet. Thanks, Patty! 

Now, a reminder to myself: I am important. I matter. And failure is not an option! 

Mar 15, 2010

My husband and I decided that we want to start trying to have a baby, so I stopped taking my birth control pills about 6 weeks ago when I finished the last pack. My ob/gyn had started me on the pill to help kick-start my system after coming off Depo and not ovulating or menstruating for over a year. I was beginning to get concerned when my period still wasn't here after 4 weeks of stopping the pill...then I was getting excited because I don't have to deal with the mess of it all...It would really free me up when my husband comes home in May. Then, after 6 weeks, it started! No pills involved! This is the first "natural" period in over 10 years! (none while taking Depo, fyi) This is very exciting to me! Maybe I am ovulating now, too. Maybe I'm not a complete screw-up afterall.

Mar 15, 2010

I only told a few people that I'd had WLS, and these didn't include my bosses. I only told one coworker, who was sworn to secrecy. Turns out, she lied. She told one of our bosses. He is the younger one (about 37 years old) and we three would discuss losing weight and our eating habits. He'd noticed I was losing weight. He knew I'd had a surgery, but I only told him that I was having a hernia repaired (I did).

Fact is, I only wanted a select few people to know because this was a really difficult decision to make and it's super personal. It's not everyone's business, unless I want it to be, and I didn't. Did she care? Apparently not. I don't know when my boss found out, but at this point, it just looks like I lied. Now, I look like the stupid one. I feel like I need to discuss this with him now and just clear the air.

Point is, I feel totally betrayed and I want to cry and scream and hit her all at the same time. How could she do this to me? I never betrayed any of her secrets. I knew she was dating a woman for a long time before she let him know. I could've spilled the beans, but I didn't because she asked me not to. I respected that. I knew she was attending AA, but kept that secret for her, too. Why do people do this to me? I trusted this woman. I really want to hate her, but I can't. I can totally dislike her, though. And if I see her in public, I just might take a swing at her.

Feb 20, 2010

Feb 14, 2010

Just when I hit the 100 lb mark, the plateau has begun. Ugh! And I really think it's self-sabotage. It's like I'm doing it subconsciously. Like deep inside I feel like I don't deserve to be thin. Well, I've got news for myself: I do! I deserve to be thin and I deserve to be healthy. I owe it to myself. I think I've been sneaking in the extra calories and eating when I should be drinking water. Just my thoughts. I need to start keeping my food journal again. Where's that kick in the butt when I really need it?

I'd love to blame it on stress, a too-tight band, illness, anything besides what it really is. But I can't! It just isn't true. I've been allowing in items in my daily food intake that just shouldn't be, and I know this. I've been getting bored and eating slider foods because I know they will go. I really need to be smacked for this crap. This is how I got into this mess to begin with!! WTH!!! I get so fed up with myself. I didn't even want to blog this, but I had to put it out there and be honest with myself. I should always be proud of what I eat, not ever ashamed. If I'm ashamed that I'm eating something, I've got no business putting it in my mouth. Simple as that.

I'm angry with myself. Angry and disgusted.

Jan 26, 2010

Well, part of my "slump" problem was that my band had gotten too tight with all the extra stress I was dealing with over the holidays. It wasn't just typical holiday stuff; my grandfather got really sick and then passed away at age 70, then my relatives came into town (many of whom hadn't seen me since before my WLS), my coworker went into drug rehab (leaving me to support 3 financial advisors all by myself and man the phones and do the things she was supposed to have already done ), my husband left the country to work with a new company, to name a little bit of the extra stress. So I got a tiny bit of saline removed (0.2 cc) and that has made all the difference. Now, I can eat all that I should be able to eat and feel not hungry anymore and that lasts for 3-5 hours, depending on what I ate and my activity level.

So my coworker came back from drug rehab and had to attend out-patient rehab for about 6 weeks. For the first four, she was doing okay at work, doing the minimum required to keep her job. She'd been officially put on probation for 90 days, too, meaning that one mistake and she was gone. Well, this past week alone, she had 3 big ones. And she only worked two days of the week! Monday was MLK Jr day, so we were off, and then she was out on Thursday and Friday, taking her child to the Shriners Hospital in Tampa, Fla. Well, they were down there on Thursday, and I know she was back in town on Friday having a CT scan or MRI or something like that done. I heard her say that while she was on the phone with the hospital. I guess she either didn't care or didn't realize I was still sitting right behind her. Probably didn't care. She'd led us along for so long, why stop now? Well, Monday, she walked in and was fired. I mean, she was messing up people's money, for crying out loud. You just can't do that. One time is an "oops," but three and four times (or more) isn't. It makes clients' start questioning not just her, but all of us, and we can't afford for clients to question our credibility in this economy. The market has been rough enough on us and our clients without any personel issues added in there. I'm not saying I've been perfect, but gee whiz...I've not been that bad.

So now, the added stress is back. We are finding more and more things she didn't do that she said she did. We found a complete stack of Christmas letters printed on the expensive stationary that were never mailed. Just stuffed in a drawer! And we found stacks and stacks of filing that she looked me in the eyes and said she filed, but she'd actually just stuffed in a binder under her desk! When I found that, I was infuriated! So who knows how many weeks we are going to be dealing with clients calling in and asking why something hasn't been done yet (when it's because my former coworker failed to do it)?! I just hope they believe me when I apologize to them and tell them I will handle it.

*exhaling*

I am actually not as worked up tonight as I was this afternoon. I threw a staple puller! That felt good! Not as good as smacking her or shaking her or yelling at her, but it helped. Lots of deep breathing really helped me. *exhale*

On a much happier note, I've now officially lost 100 lbs!! (I finally broke down and bought a digital scale, so my weight is the same at home and at the surgeon's office [within about a half pound]).

Dec 29, 2009

I have been in a "holiday slump." Ugh! I hate this, too. I can't seem to put down the sugar free candy and just leave it alone. I know they are better than regular candy because they don't spike the blood sugar, but they're still not healthy. They are not helping me get to my goal. They are not helping me get any healthier. I don't know why I ever picked them up! I did it when I was out of the 2g net carb chocolate bars (with no sugar alcohols). I need to get up from here right now and throw them all away, in the outside garbage can that's nasty and disgusting. If I buy any more, I should just burn the same amount of cash that I spend on them. Will that teach me? Probably not, sadly. UGH. I get so disgusted with myself. This is exactly why I had WLS. Not to cheat. To be accountable.

I need to go back to the surgeon's office. I've had a hard time swallowing my pills first thing in the morning lately. Today was horrible! I've had more issues than ever since the last band adjustment. I think part of it has been stress. My husband was at home, without a job, for six weeks - four weeks longer than we'd planned. And 4 weeks longer than we'd budgeted. Major stress! Then all the paperwork we had to do for that job. OMG! It was unbelieveable. Then I stressed about driving to and from Columbus, Ga. (Ft Benning) - where he was for Thanksgiving. Then, a week later, I was driving to Douglas, Ga., to the hospital where my grandfather was dying. He was pretty much comatose then, and I feel horrible that I didn't visit them more often. He passed away that Sunday after they had the ventilator removed. Top all of this with my family coming into town, minus my sister, who was having her band replaced. It had slipped or moved and the surgeon replaced it with one of the newer models. There was lots of food all the time. And not all good foods, of course, because it was for a funeral and for our family Christmas weekend get-together. During a 6-day period, I drove from Waycross to my house (about 100 miles one-way) atleast four times. Atleast! I didn't have my food with me, just natural peanut butter and skim milk. And I get very anxious eating around others.

I got into some bad habits during all that running around and I can't knock them now. I just want to kick myself in the butt! I know better than this and I didn't have WLS just to sabotage myself and my life again. I will not return to my old lifestyle. It just is NOT an option.

Dec 27, 2009

Yesterday I went shopping with the MIL because she had won some money and it was burning a hole in her pocket. She wouldn't even let me think of paying for anything! I tried!

To get to the point (and the title of this entry ), I was able to buy some things from the Misses dept and not the Plus dept! Also, I fit into some size 14s!! I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to wear a size 14. I was so happy! And they weren't even tight! I didn't get the "muffin top" when I zipped the pants, either.

I don't know my "official" weight right now because I haven't been able to get to my surgeon's office in a couple of months. Well, since my last band adjustment, when I weighed 207. I'm sure I'm atleast 10 lbs lower now, atleast.

And to think my mom said I'll never fit into a size 10. (She thinks I'm too large-framed, and she said she only wore a size 10 when she was too thin as a teenager. I've told her that sizes have changed alot since then, but she still said "I just don't think so.") Ha! We'll just see about that.

Dec 12, 2009

At my family's Christmas dinner last weekend, my aunt served a peanut butter pie. Yummy! I had to try some. She told me the ingredients were 8 oz cream cheese, 8 oz Cool Whip, 8 oz peanut butter and some powdered sugar. She didn't have the exact amount because she said she just kept adding until it tasted right.

Tonight, I decided to try making the filling with my own ingredients. This is what I put in it, and it turned out great!

1 jar of PB2 mixed with water
8 oz Cool Whip Free
8 oz Philly Cream Cheese Light
CarbSmart to taste

I don't have a recipe for low-carb or low-fat pie crust. Is there such a thing? It doesn't taste low-carb or low-fat. I really think no one would ever know! I'm so proud of myself when my recipe concoctions turn out.

Nov 17, 2009