onlysunnydaysahead
My story, wow, well, I guess I would have to start with how my weight and food issues affect me emotionally and that would be starting early on in childhood. Now let me first announce that I got more issues than playboy. ;) I think I can tell you most of it. There are a few life events that changed me, affected me, got me where I am today. And a few unattractive habits.
First off, my family is obese. My mother and grand mother are victims of diabetes. My mother has sleep apnea and is obese. Cancer took my gransmother. My father is obese. My older sister failed her WLS and is obese. One of my older brothers got his health in control. So glad to see him doing so well. That was all exercise and changing food habits.
My weight issues started in my early 20's. No one believed how much I weighed because I carried it well. I met my husband when I was 17 and by early 20's I was making my way in the kitchen becoming a regular Betty Crocker. I pride myself on food. After testing everything while cooking, I would sit down and have 2-3 helpings. Plus desert. It became more of a "this taste so good" type of thing. Not necessarily emotional.
As a kid and teen, I was active and thin. I didn't eat in front of people. That should have been my first red flag that I was going to end up like this. I would intentionally not eat and then go to bed simply because I didn't want to eat in front of people. As a child, I was only allowed foods like, mac n chees and hot dogs, corn flakes, powdered milk, powdered eggs and oatmeal. I know my parents got a lot of food donated because it was tough to feed 4 kids. But that didnt stop them from eating steak and drinking booze and doing drugs. I watched it.
More importantly, I watched my mother. I watched her, obese, and eating foods like, chips, and cookies, steak, cocoa puffs. I was deprived and watched her eat. And that turned into me always thinking I looked like that which disgusted me growing up. I thought people would see me eat and I would look like her and they would be disgusted with me.
When I started cooking and was settling in with my wonderful husband, I ate the things I could not have back then. I became obese because I was for the first time enjoying things like, coffee ice cream and cream filled doughnuts, grilled shark and shrimp. I was tasting the world's foods. I started to gain. I was comfortable with him and I detached my head from my body.
Let me back up and say that during my teens, my parents divorced, I was the unwanted child in the middle. And I was roaming the streets, sleeping where ever, doing what I could to not sleep on the street and I turned to meth. Yes, crystal meth. So when I met my husband, we grew in life together. I knew I didn't want that life and neither did he. We vowed to never do it and start a real life. And guess what, we make a great team. I love him more than life. He gave me a wonderful daughter and we are truly blessed. The point I was getting to, was that quitting meth changed my metabolism. Not only did I stop running the streets, but I quit meth and started eating. BIG DEAL for my body.
So years go by, I slowly gain and loose, gain and lose. I was still ok but didn't see myself. When I thought I was at my worst. I had no idea. I let the emotional issues get in my head. I had "fat girl" in my head. I had a loving husband and was very pretty in reality. I was thick and he loved me. I just didn't love me. I knew I had put a lot of weight on. With a regular working schedule and not knowing how to fit exercise in, without feeling like people would see me and think things about "my fat ass," it was tough. I didn't take or want time for me. It was all about him when I got home, and proving that I was worth keeping. Because we weren't married yet :-/ So that meant meals and attention only on him, taking care of him and his needs and wants.
All of this pleasing him thing, stems from being tossed out by my parents. I just wanted him to want to keep me. I needed that. I felt unwanted because we weren't in the talks of getting married and I was scared that he would toss me aside. It is still important to me that he keeps me. I love him dearly.
OK, next deal I went a little crazy for about 5 years. It progressed worse each year. That last year was my breaking point. I probably would have killed myself to be honest. This was after the death of my best friend. Still hard for me to talk/think about. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband to help me find my way again and forgive me and want to keep me. I did some stupid things. I almost gave up my life because I started taking pills eventually and was making bad decisions. I felt useless, unwanted and alone. I lost hope and strength. I lost sight of reality. I felt unwanted and alone. I had to get sober.
Bu,t out of that 5 year depression, came the second gift to me from life. She is my #1 reason for living. My waking angel, my life outside my head. My daughter is almost 5 now. Her and my husband are my life.
It took me a long time to get pregnant. I was trying for about 7 years and was depressed every month that it didn't happen. And that was on top of me just going progressively bat shit crazy.
When I finally did get pregnant. I stopped working out. I ate everything. I was building this protective fat suit around this thing to make sure it didn't fall out. Something like that anyway. It was shameful. It was hard to see myself doing that but at the time, it felt like it was the only way to make sure I stayed pregnant. Sounds dumb, but remember, I was kinda messed up.
Following my daughters birth, I was 270lbs. I did get active for a while but for the wrong reasons. I did it to escape my home. I felt like she was more important than me to my husband. I felt like we were drifting apart and it killed me. I loved seeing him as a perfect father but feeling alone was terrible. And I felt jealous, and I felt guilty for feeling this way. And I couldn'r figure out how to fix it. I thought it was me and how fat I had become. He was/is perfect to her. After a couple of years of this, I just couldn't take it. I felt abandoned once again. I dramatically fell in a downward spiral. And that's when the pills and physc visits started and the rest got really bad. I only went to the visits so I could get pills. I liked sedatives because I felt like I needed to be soothed. My full memory is kinda hazy from the pills but I know that I was not being the real me. The me that my husband fell in love with. And I wasn't there for my daughter. I distanced myself so I wouldn't feel the pain of rejection. I couldn't face it. Every minute of every day was rejection and loneliness. I was drifting further and further away, I thought I was trying to find me again. Trying to find my place. I took way more pills than prescribed and lost control of myself. But I did weigh 180lbs as I promised my husband that I would loose the weight. And He still ignored me. And she loved him more because of my distance. I felt invisible. I was miserable.
Over the past year I have been building the life back with my husband and daughter that we all deserve. But, I did get back up to 239lbs due to no exercise and eating everything. It has been stressful trying to build trust again. And to be more involved with my daughter. The trust issues and the fights have led to my recent weight gain. But here is the catch 22. I want to be super involved. I am helping with her school, I am reading to her, I spend more time with my husband. I am more attentive. I am doing the best I can while feeling gross about myself. But I do feel good about gaining my place back with my family.
I want to be that happy outgoing, fun loving mom. I just gained so much weight that I am embarrassed to be in public with my family. I feel like I am a shame to them. I decided to do this surgery because I need to live a healthy lifestyle in order to be active with my daughter and gain back that fun personality that I had years and years back. I need to be able to run on the track with her when she asks. I want to be smiling and happy so that other people look at me and see me. I mean really see me. I want to be the contagious happy person that gets you to smile. I have to stop hiding my personally behind layers of fat. I know that this tool is exactly what I need to put me the rest of the way on track. I will no longer be a skipping record.
~More to come once I get the surgery~
