The mindf*** of "Head Hunger"

Nov 22, 2014

Almost 10 a.m. and my house is still asleep. I guess it's the dark rainy weather. But that doesn't phase me..as usual I'm up before everyone else. My body clock says 6 hours is plenty enough sleep for this old gal.
I've been thinking this morning, about the recent drastic life changes I have made and kind of lamenting my old way of living. I tell you I'm working damn hard on embracing a new way.
I could say that the journey so far has not been an easy one. But honestly, months of what I THOUGHT was hard work at the time is now looking pretty damn easy compared to the work I have in front of me now.
But I tell ya, the physical work won't be as hard as the work I've got to do in my head. THAT is going to be the tricky stuff. I have those old familiar voices trying to creep back into my brain. The only problem is now the rest of my body isn't able to cooperate with the voices and this is causing me a bit of emotional turmoil. I have become moody and mad and I really don't like that about myself. I refuse to become an emotional tyrant and take it out on my loves. Which I have been doing lately and I hate myself for it.
Being an addict is hard. Being a food addict is REALLY fucking hard. Unlike other addictions like drugs and alcohol, things your body doesn't require to survive. Food is a whole other monster. We must eat to live. Unfortunately some people, like myself, end up living to eat. We don't want to...but it's so hard to kick a habit when you MUST be faced with a necessity for it daily. That is why I have taken the steps that I have to make changes in my life. Forcing my body to do what needs to be done to break my addiction. But damn! I'm finding that It's just NOT that easy! Fixing my physical hunger? I've got that covered. My head hunger is going to take some intense work.
Some people may look at what i have done and say I've taken "the easy way out".  Well fuck you very much it is NOT!  It is hard HARD Goddamn work!  For the rest of my life now I will be forced to think about every single morsel that goes into my mouth.  I have probably had to think more about food in the past week than I have for the past year.  For the rest of my life my days will be spent wondering "Did I get in enough protein today?"  (Because I DO NOT want my hair to fall out) and have I gotten in enough fluids today?( so that I don't end up in the ER with dehydration)
I think more about food now than I EVER did before.  I must obsess over it now because what I eat MATTERS now.  And that is a kind of a mind screw for someone like me. 

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