Ann F.

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I logged on for the first time in years tonight - hoping for ... i don't know... a miracle?  That somehow by reading all I went through I can make the pounds I have regained disappear?  I notice that my last post was 3 days before my sister-in-law died unexpectedly -- which caused a huge spiralling whirlwind for me.  By the next dr appt I had gained 5 pounds so I cancelled and vowed to get it off before the next one....and so the story goes.  And, here I sit, heavier than I have ever been - even before WLS.  I am so disappointed.  My husband is disappointed in me.  My children are.  They all say they aren't - but I see their faces and I know.  And everyone else -- I can see/hear their disappointment in me as well.  How could I have done this to myself?  How could I have let all of that hard work and pain be for nothing.  How can I get back on track?  I've moved half-way across the country due to my job being eliminated.  I don't even know where to start.  I need something more powerful than me and I know God is in control and that I am disappointing him too but yet I seem powerless to do anything about it.  Is this my destiny?  Please, God, don't let it be my destiny...

My goal from 10-13 to 11-10 is to lose 10 pounds.  I am really close  to sweet spot.  Still eat a little too much but I am oh so close!!!!  I was at 235 at my fill.  Today I am sitting at 227.  Just 2 more pounds and I have accomplished my goal!  When I get to 225, I will be 60 pounds down!!!!!  Yea!  My husband says I have lost the equivalent of 8 gallons of milk.  I think in terms of  a 50# sack of dogfood, which is too heavy to carry!  My body used to have to do that!  Need to get back on the water.  I'm not getting nearly enough!!!!

Now at 2.5 cc in 4cc band.  Took awhile to find the port but all is well.  I was down 3 pounds last month, no inches lost.

Had fill #2 last Friday (9/15).  Lost 5 pounds last month.  As of today, I am at 50 pounds lost.  I am SOOOOO happy.  I have worked hard this week.  My fil is working.  I am doing better with portions!!!!  I exercise every day...since school started nights are crazy so I get up around 4:30 and sometimes as late as 5:15 when really tired and I walk anywhere from 1 1/2 to 3 miles, or even more if time permits...

My 2nd fill was easier..still a "blind" stick--no fluro--but he's pretty good..filled me up til I couldn't swallow, then backed it off some.  Now I have 2ccs in my 4cc/9.75cm band.  I LOVE THIS BAND!!!!

Here's my measurement stats:

Pre-op

Waist   50"

Hips     57 1/2"

BMI     48.9

Now

Waist   39

Hips     47

BMI      40.34

 

I have lost 11" from my waist and 10 1/2" from my hips....WHOO  HOO!!!!

This morning I was down to 240!!!  Hope I can stay there.  Had my first fill about a week ago and I got MAJOR stuck last night on chicken and tomato.   I forgot to chew good enough!!!!  EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL!!!!  I can imagine this is like heart-attack pain.  I ended up sliming uncontrollably...slime just pouring out.  I kept gagging uncontrollably and I ended up throwing up the big pieces.  I did drink a little dr recommended concoction just in case there was anything else in there....4 oz tap water, 1 tsp lemon juice, 1/4 tsp. Adolphs meat tenderizer (plain)...sip over one hour.  I was fine after about an hour...stoma seemed to cramp off an on all night...went back to liquids today!  Bought some blueberry Spiru-tein protein drink...it was delicious...have had trouble with liking anything else, so it's great to find something I can tolerate...I'm just not much of a meat eater.

I am happy.  I am going to be me.  I am going to quit apologizing for being me and be happy with me and the life I have chosen to live.  Life is too short for me not to do what I need to do to be happy and to be ME and to be genuine.  I don’t plan to pretend anymore.  If people then don’t like me for who I really am, then they don’t have to be around me.  That’s my new revelation for the week.  I am going to do what I need to do for me and my family without accepting ridicule and without apologizing for my behavior and self which are completely acceptable. 

 

Back from Disneyworld .  Didn’t gain any weight!!!  Happy and excited.  I’m teetering between 242 and 243 and so I’ll call it 243 for now.  We had a great trip.  We had a great house we rented with a pool.  Our schedule while we were gone:

Saturday          Drove all day

Sunday            Magic Kingdom…first trip for any of the 5 of us so we were so lost!!!  Stayed all day.  Watched parade and fireworks.  We loved these rides:  Buzz Lightyear, Haunted Mansion , Space Mountain (completely and totally awesome!)

Monday           Epcot….nice, but an extremely hot day!  We toured the “world” and rode the ride that has the big Earth planet at the end.  The kids thought that was cool.  We also rode a “boat” through a fake evening sky which was pretty cool..not sure what that was.  We also rode the cars that are like a road test which end in a speedy trip around the race track.  The kids loved that and thought it was cool.

Tuesday           MGM—MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!  We rode the Tower of Terror —which is my all time favorite ride because each time is as scary as the first….I wish I had one in my backyard   We rode the Rock-n-Roller Coaster which was awesome.  We watched the stunt show with the red hero car, the backwards red hero car, the motorcycle stunts, car stunts, etc. which ended in a major explosion which was cool.  We rode the Star Wars ride (not sure if that was MGM or Epcot..) and lots of other cool stuff.

Wednesday     Animal Kingdom—Pretty cool.  We did the safari and rode a tilt-a-whirl roller coaster thingy, the Dinosaur ride—which was scary!!!! But the MAJOR RIDE THERE—Expedition Everest was an hour and a half wait and they had no more fast passes, so we didn’t get to ride….boooooo hoooooo.  The big tree there is also really cool.  We ate lunch at the Rainforest Café….I skipped lunch and just ordered the Rainforest Ricky because I was so freaking hot I was dying.  This was a smoothie sort of drink but I promise you it was the very best thing I have ever had in my mouth…I don’t even like smoothies.  This was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday         Universal Studios—We rode everything.  The Terminator show was the most awesome thing I have ever seen!  We rode Jaws, the Mummy, ET, Men in Black, Back to the Future, etc. 

Friday              Sea World—We watched the Shamu show and the dolphins and other stuff, toured all the various animal sites, etc.  We rode the Journey to Atlantis which was a cool roller coaster/water log ride and we rode the Kraken—which was a long loopety-loop roller coaster….it was awesome cool.  We rode on the front seat!!!!!!!

Saturday—left Orlando and went to Panama City Beach , drove from there to Destin, stopped at the ocean (okay really the gulf—but I’m calling it the ocean!).  I was SOOOO happy to get there.  I haven’t been to the ocean since 1989.  I ran in my white capris out to the sand which was like 12 feet (where the water had washed up and washed some away..it was almost like a cliff of sand in places where there were sanddrifts.  The sand was soooooo white.   Anyway, then I baled off into the ocean because I was so excited.  It was sunset and a storm was rolling in.  It could not have been more gorgeous!  It was the first time for my husband to be seaside ever and also my daughters and only the 3rd time for me, and the 2nd for my son……so exciting…..so exciting.  I was breathing in the salty air and relishing every second.  I wrote “Ann Loves Jerry”…It was actually Ann and then a heart and then an apostrophe s and then Jerry….in the sand and attached him with a big hug and kiss and thanked him profusely for going “out of his way” to take me to the ocean.   I had tears in my eyes and cried because I was so happy…okay so back to the white capris…they’re soaked and completely see-through.  My husband says, “you can see right thru your pants.”  I said, “ I don’t care…I’m at the ocean.  I’m at the ocean and I don’t care!!!”  ( I was almost singing it!)  We walked down the beach, found several sand crabs (clear boogers, or white….anyway…they’re hard to see).  One of the most incredible moments of my life.

What a trip.  I was SOOOOOOOO hot every day at every minute I had sweat literally rolling off my face.  I have never been so hot.  I drank tons and tons of water and NEVER had to pee (well, almost never) because I sweated it all out.  It was so hot and so humid.  At night, the pool was too warm, but still inviting.  Our air conditioner didn’t work in the house half the time….there were two days that I was trying to get ready to go to dinner in my room which was 93 degrees…..YES…NINETY THREE DEGREES….and trying to fix my hair and reapply makeup that I was sweating off faster than I could put it on.  Insane hot!!!!!!  Anyway, the pool…..we had so much fun in the pool.  

Now, on to the real issue……my Band!!!   I had my first fill yesterday.  Took him an hour and a half to find the port.   He kept saying he’d reschedule me for Monday for a fluro when he would give up and I would say… “I’m not trying to pressure you, but you can keep trying if you want.  The needles aren’t freaking me out and I’ll deal with the bruise just fine.”  I didn’t want him to do something he felt he shouldn’t do but I got the sense he wanted to get it, I was doing okay and didn’t want to have to come back on Monday, and I was handling it okay.  I told him I wouldn’t be upset either way…whatever was best.  Finally he got it!!!!!  He had me drink until the water stopped and went nowhere and then he backed it off to 1 cc.  So, now I have 1 cc in a 4cc/9.75 cm band…I finally thought to ask what kind of band I have.  There is a VG—which he says is mostly for men, there is a 10 cm and a 9.75 cm.  I have the 9.75 cm.  I’m on liquids for 2-3 days, then mushies and so on….hoping this is a good fill but I know it usually takes several.  My next is scheduled on 9-15!  Don’t get me wrong, it was an ordeal, but it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t his fault…it was just hard to get.  I had to lie flat and hold my head up because in that position the muscles in my abdomen seemed to help him find what he was looking for.  I’m pretty easygoing about stuff like that….and I know he’s used to some really demanding patients, which I’m not at all…so I think he’s finally getting that I’m pretty consistently a nice person.  
 

 

 

Early on in the week, I was up to 253 for some reason but I think it was water weight gain because as of this morning, I am at 245, which is a 40!!!! pound loss since i started this whole process.  That makes me so happy.  Last night we went to the Faith Hill/Tim McGraw concert in Little Rock and it was great.  I was 40 pounds lighter than the last concert I went to in March and I felt great about myself.  Even though I have much more to go, I feel very excited today.  I know I will teeter between 245 and 247 for the next few days, and then before I know it, I'll be at 243....and just keep on going.  I think I was successful yesterday because I had 3 small meals, and no snacking in between and I got in more protein than normal....I've got to have more days like that!

I was on a trip all of last week for business--surrounded by food, practicing self-control.  I did really good, even being way off track.  A couple of times I got light-headed because I refused to have snacks because my meals were calorie-dense because I had to eat what I was served rather than having my planned meals.  I exercised to the Walk Away the Pounds DVD so many on OH have recommend.  It is terrific, but not the same as the treadmill.  Here's the bottom line--I didn't lose, but I didn't gain and I think that's great news for me.  Starting today, I'm back on the program, but it's been a little hard. 

 

 

 

When I think about cheating, sometimes, I go read the Memorials section of OH.  It reminds me that I laid my life on the line to lose this weight and I cannot cheat or decide not to exercise when I walked into the hospital that morning knowing I might never return to my husband and small children.  I read those stories of patients (mostly RNY) with small children who never came home from the surgery and it reminds me of how serious this was and how serious it could have been (and could still be if I don't do all that I'm supposed to do).  It's so unfair that there were people just like me, no major health problems who had the surgery and died.  And, I just like to remember that I can't take this too lightly or blow off a day by cheating.  I risked my life to lose the weight and I intend to lose the weight!  May God bless me and you in our journies.  May we all have the courage to make this work for us in light of all the others who never had the chance.

 

 

 

Okay--I can't leave on such a sad note.  My husband and I are taking the kids to Disneyworld in a couple of weeks, so I have to walk, walk, walk and be strong until then.  I want to lose at least 10 pounds but that will be difficult.  I will settle for no less than 5, be happy with 10 and ecstatic if I could be at 230 by then!!!!!  I'm going to give it my all starting right now at 4:30 pm CST on Saturday, July 22, 2006. 

Non Scale Victories I am seeking:

 

1)         To get on any airplane without worrying that I won’t be able to fasten my seatbelt

2)         To go to Disneyworld with my children and ride rides and feel good no matter how physically demanding it is.

3)         To have my back pain stop completely

4)         To have my husband make some incredible comment when I begin to feel smaller in his arms

5)         To fit in my wedding dress again (a weight of about 191 pounds)

6)         To be able to walk 30 minutes on the treadmill without stopping at 3.7 mph

7)         To sit comfortably in the small chairs at my childrens’ schools without fear of breaking them.

8)         To be able to walk 1 hour on the treadmill without stopping at 3.7 – 4.0 mph

9)         To wear a swimsuit and play in the water with my children when we are camping or in a hotel with a pool without feeling embarrassed

10)       Go out to eat Mexican or Italian or whatever and feel satisfied with a much smaller portion than I used to eat.

11)       Have the people who have not been supportive of my decision agree that I made a good choice for my future.

12)       To have my children never be embarrassed or concerned about my weight again.

13)         To be much lighter than my husband, even when he loses weight.

14)         If I ever have to look for another job, to be light enough that hiring managers don’t make assumptions about me based on my weight instead of my qualifications and abilities.

15)       To motivate and inspire another person based on my own success and decisions.

16)       To recognize some way that I have made life better for other people because of my weight loss.

17)       To be less irritable with my family and enjoy life more.

18)       To have my symptoms of a prolapsed uterus/bladder disappear

19)       To buy clothing in the misses department

20)       To be able to wear a bracelet and have it be attractive