the death of something special

May 13, 2011

 So, I had a bit of a cry today because I don't know who I am....I guess that I expected that by 22, I would have more of my life together...I NEVER expected to be sitting here with my guts rearranged relearning how to eat. I expected to be out in the world, exploring my surroundings, becoming more comfortable with me.....How do you do that when you don't know who you are? or what you want out of life? Or even--how is it possible when you are your hardest critic? 
I never expected to be in this situation. Its not that it's a bad thing, it's just that...I wanted more from my life at this point. I used to be such a free spirit..I used to go on adventures and take risks....Now I feel like an old lady going to bed at 10:00. I hate that I'm not feeling 100% yet. I need to be out in the world. My weight never stopped me from doing things I loved, now I feel like the healing/recovery is holding me back so much from what I'm used to. 
I dated when I was heavy. I talked to guys...I was okay with how I looked...I wasn't HAPPY, but I wasn't sad either. Now I just feel like a hermit, I barely talk to people and I'm just scared its going to stay this way. I know that camp will get me moving and active...My mom and I will take walks...but physically active and mentally/emotionally active is something that seems to be eluding me at the moment. I just feel like a lump. A lump with a sliced up stomach and the social connectivity of a...well..a lump.
I'm usually so outgoing and optimistic and positive, I feel like..by writing this, I'm letting people down. I just want to be me again. I don't want to feel tired all the time and lazy and cranky and in pain. I want to be happy....

This may be my way of mourning my loss of connection with food. Please bare with me...I just am noticing that no matter what happens, I won't be able to eat away my emotions...I have to confront them. I have to take charge of them because no one else will. Food filled a void for me...A void of emotion. Of being scared of emotion. I have to learn not to be scared. If crying is what I need, then I shouldn't be frightened of it. If I need to yell at someone or something, that should be handled in a non-destructive way. If I need s-e-x, I should be able to have it...ha. I need to be okay with the emotions that run through my body now. I need to be around people more...this is why summer is making me so excited. I'm going to be around people all the time. I'm going to be with people and have interaction. If I can't figure out how to emote in a proper fashion, I'm going to be crying and screaming and horny all at once. I'm pretty sure that would scare anyone away.

OK, 2 hours until bed. Homework time. 

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