An emotional time over an ops

May 26, 2012

 Feeling very alone right now.  My boyfriend/not sure what to call him and I are going through a tough situation which could have really delayed my surgery and set me back a lot and could have made it so that I needed to start the whole process over.  Crisis avoided however and it was not ment to be but I am still going through a very emotional time.  WHere all I want/need is to be held snuggled cuddled and comforted.  He knows I need this and is going through his own shit as well and he is still trying to process everything that has happened in the last 10 days or so.  I doubt anyone will judge me the situation is with my anxiety disorder which partly results from a truamatic brain injury I had when I was 18 I have short term memory issues and forgot to put my bc pill in my weekly pill container for a week.  Well an ops happened.  I didn't tell him right away because I found out 4 days before seeing the surgeon.  Went to a walk in not associated with any of my doctors got a blood test to confirm numbers were low went for a repeate blood test the day before seeing the surgeon numbers didn't look good had only gone up by 6 no where near doubling I knew in my gut that I was losing it.  Got back from Toronto and finally decided to tell him I honestly didn't know how to tell him and wasn't ready to tell him I was scared.  I didn't mention it to the surgeon as I was just waiting to start.  Well it took a week but finally I have miscarried.  He keeps asking me if I need anything he knows what I need but has only come over one day he said he is still trying to process it he is taken back because he didn't think he could have kids so yeah I get he is dealing wiht his own emotions but I feel so alone enough so that I don't even want to post it on the boared because I don't want people to judge me for being so careless this close to the end. 
I am trying to look ok on the outside because my mom lives with me and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her as she is upset with him for backing out on my at the last minute to take me to see the surgeon it wasn't his fault that his car got vandilized the morning before my appointment. Inside I am a basketcase it hurts so much.  I had tried for 9 years to have a child with my ex and here an ops happens and I lose it as fast as I got used to the idea.  I don't know what to do I am going for my preop next week my surgery is in 7 weeks I am an emotional wreck and don't know where to turn.

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