2-16-11 One Day to the Other Side

Feb 16, 2011

Well, I've probably posted too much this week, but I'm feeling a little nervous and writing about it helps me.  I am on full liquids today - two shakes before noon, then the "cleansing" meds and water from that point out.  Nothing to eat or drink after midnight.  I think the thing I'm most anxious about right now is waiting for the hospital to give me a time for tomorrow.  Everything up to this point has been super organized by Kaiser.  However, Dr. Fedorka is performing the surgery at a local hospital, St. Bernadine's, until the new hospital in Fontana is completed.  This works very well for me because the hospital is only a couple of miles from my home.  But it is not a Kaiser facility so I'm a little uncertain about their procedures.  I'm hoping I'll hear relatively early in the day so I'll know what to expect tomorrow.

I've had several really touching and encouraging emails the past few days.  I haven't told a lot of people that I'm having this surgery - I figure it isn't really their business.  I may feel differently after I loose weight, but for now it seems like a pretty private undertaking.  But the few people I have told have been super encouraging, and several have written me saying that my courage has inspired them to consider this surgery.  I'm not very good at complementing myself, so their words have helped me to stop for a moment and realize that it really does take an incredible amount of courage to go through with this.  There are a lot of unknowns (even though Kaiser and this site have done a lot to prepare me...), and the prospect of surgery is daunting.  I have to pat myself on the back for having gotten this far and for my determination to see this thing through.

I was thinking about some of the things that have happened in the past that were so embarrassing and hurtful that remain as a sort of anchor of pain that keeps me going.  One of the biggies was when I was sent for physical therapy for the pain in my back.  I've had severe pain in my mid-back region for almost three years ago.  My PCP said it was collateral damage from my weight, but that she was going to send me to physical therapy to see if that would help.  I was enthusiastic as I was willing to try anything to alleviate the pain.  When I got there I met with a therapist named DIane (in the Redlands office - sorry to call her out, but she was was very hurtful..).  When I went into the physical therapy room, she sat me down and told me that I needed join a gym and to stand up straight and stop walking like I was pregnant.  I felt like I'd been slapped.  The reason I walk like I am pregnant is because I am carrying the weight of triplets in my belly.  And the reason I'm having problems standing up straight is that my excess weight is pulling on my spine.  I left and never came back.  Another big embarrassment was when I went to a Rush concert with my son last summer.  I am a HUGE Rush fan!!  I had bought incredible third row pit tickets and the Irvine Amphitheater.  Well, the seats are folding chairs that are set up directly in front of the stage.  My back was already hurting, so I was sitting down before the show started - knowing I would be standing as soon as the band came out on stage.  Well, my big fat ass was actually taking up two of these little folding chairs.  The people that had the seats next to me came up to me and asked if I would move so they could sit there.  I was so embarrassed, and it was even worse because it was in front of my son.  One of my big goals is to sit in a theater seat comfortably and not have to be concerned about the person sitting next to me.

So, I've written a book so far today, so I will sign off for now.  The next time I post I will be post op and on the other side.  Please keep me in your prayers and wish me the best of luck.

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