Ruby_Trout

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It is not typical for me to be fearful.  Yet, there are two things that stand out as exceedingly frightening in my mind.  The first is not being able to keep weight off after surgery.  The second is dating, relationships and allowing someone to intimately view my body.  The two are related in a concrete way. 
As others before me, I fear that this surgery will not work for me.  I can hardly imagine being a size 16, which is only a size away.  My face has changed so much already I have difficulty looking in the mirror and recognising the reflection as my own.  The eyes - those are unmistakeably mine.  I got them from my father and my oldest daughter, she got them from me.  I know those eyes.  As for the rest, where have the thinner legs, more toned arms, and flatter stomach come from?  I am pretty sure they are not mine. 
I would like to say I am not a vain person, but my behavior recently tells me that is not so.  I am vain.  I look in mirrors every chance I get.  Perhaps I just avoided mirrors more before than I do now.  Is that it?  I certainly don't go out of my way to find a mirrored surface to stare at, but I do marvel at the reflection that inhabits the glass when I exit the shower or when I see my reflection in a store window.  What if I don't lose any more weight?  Could I be happy?  Would I accept this me as I am now?  I can't conclusively answer that question.  My mind screams, "HELL, NO!"  Yet, I find that I am at ease in my body.  I have not yet gotten to a point where I can say that I have achieved everything that needs to be achieved.  At only 5 1/2 weeks out from surgery, the journey is just beginning.  But what if... what if... what if, heaven forbid, I gained it all back like has happened so many times before?  It is hard to believe that it will NEVER come back.  How is this different than any other diet?  I exercise and watch every morsel I ingest with care to be sure adequate amounts of protein are consumed each day.   I can only eat very small portions, that is true, but eventually I will be able to eat a lot more.  What then?  Will I be able to control myself?  Will the hungry beast win again?  How will my mind prevail in the battle over my desire to eat?  I fear what lies ahead and much as I look forward to the coming months and the changes that they will surely bring. 
Just as I fear regaining all my weight, I fear becoming involved in an intimate relationship.  Mentally, I am ready.  I have been waiting a long time to feel as though I would be worthy of a relationship. Yet, as much as I crave the intimate contact that a relationship will surely bring, I fear the reaction of the person whom I might be with.  What will their reaction be to my shrinking body?  How will I explain the rapid change, the inability to eat, the need to wait half an hour after drinking to eat and then an hour after eating to drink or why I have seven horizontal scars across my belly.  Will it be too much trouble for someone to accept?  Or maybe... just maybe... I will still be too fat.  Or what if it has really been that my personality is that of a dish rag and I am just not a desirable catch?  It is easy to change the package, but the contents remain the same.  Subconciously I remind myself that I like the contents and regardless of size,  many others have enjoyed them.  Still... what if? 
It occurs to me that as my body grows less ample in size, my fears of acceptance, both personally and by others are growing to compensate for the space I no longer physically fill.  Being stand offish and closed to new relationships is a skill I honed meticulously as an overweight woman.   I used my weight as a tool to demonstrate my powerful personality.  How will I deconstruct the multiple layers of brick that keep me safe?  How will I put myself out there for public  (and private) scrutiny?  It is difficult to imagine the leap from tentative to trusting.  It certainly is a leap of faith. There is really no in between.  Either you do or you don't. 
I suppose like anything, one has to be discerning about whom they choose to trust and whom they wish to let within the walls of their innermost sanctum.  One hopes that she can keep her wits about her while simultaneously allowing newcomers a chance to foray beyond the rough and tough exterior so carefully constructed to prevent damaging the gentle soul within. 

On May 20th I had gastric bypass (RNY) surgery at Royal Jubilee Hospital with Dr. Samaad Malik.  It was as good an experience as one can expect for major surgery, I suppose.  I am healing well and I have had very few side effects from surgery.  I have been exercising almost everyday and have set a minimum five times weekly to do so.  I seem able to achieve this goal and I miss my workout if I do not get it.  I am an avid swimmer and returned to the pool at two weeks post-op much to my surgeon's chagrin.  I began by water running for an hour each day until week four.  At week four, I returned to full lenght swimming with a total distance per workout being 2000 meters or 2 kilometers.  My exercise regimen is not a problem.  It is getting all the protein in each day that is.  I am getting much better about it now that I am almost five weeks out.  I don't have major problems with dumping, but need to be wary of some foods.  I can eat something one day and then the next, I will eat the same thing and be almost comatose for an hour afterward.  I sometimes get the shakes if I don't eat right and I have to pay attention to those signals a little better. 
I posted a picture today and I am plenty happy to see a thinner face and the permanent loss of nearly sixty pounds.  I am hoping to be below 200 when I return to work in the Fall.  The last time I weighed less than two hundred pounds was in 1994. Sixteen years ago!  It blows my mind that my weight has risen so much.  I am excited to see what changes will come as I go forward and lose more weight.  I look forward to losing my CPAP machine.  I look forward to dating in the near future.  I look forward to simply feeling more at home in my body.  I am unable to imagine myself at a size 12 or 14 let alone a size 8.  It has been such a very long time since I fit those sizes.  It is quite an adventure.  I intend to enjoy the ride! 

I am eagerly awaiting my appointments next month.  Currently I am having some serious problems with acid reflux and have started taking pariet.  It is working, but I am still having bouts of nausea after a meal.  It sort of worries me.  I have an appointment with the local surgeon to see if she will scope me.  I am hoping she will as that will be one less thing I have to do when I got to Victoria next month.  I am pretty excited!  I have heard that Rusnak, my surgeon, is booking into the Fall.  I have also heard that he is definitely going to be retiring but will be replaced by an experienced surgeon.  So, some good and bad news there.  I know that I would definitely prefer Rusnak to do the surgery, but sometimes I just don't care as long as the surgeon knows what s/he is doing.  Really, being in BC there are not a lot of options for docs who do this surgery and are covered by MSP.  So a person either waits an excruciatingly long time to Amson or Tang, or they take their chances with Rusnak retiring and this new surgeon taking over and possibly doing their surgery.  In any event, the surgery gets done. 
I learned some interesting information yesterday.  I was unaware that bariatric patients should wear a medical alert bracelet that indicates the type of surgery they have had as well and that they shouldn't have a blind NG tube put in.  It makes sense though.  I will for sure be wearing a medic alert regarding this. 

I am not very good at keeping a constant blog, but should really try to do so as it is a good reminder of where I have come from and where I am going (crazy - ha ha - actually, I think I am already there!). 

In late January 2009 I saw Conrad Rusnak, one of three surgeons who perform RNY surgery in BC.  I had heard that his waitlist was considerably shorter than that of the other two doctors.  I am currently still on the waitlist to see Brad Amson, but it is looking more and more like I will not need to as I will likely have had surgery by the time my initial appointment with Amson arrives. 
On my own initiative, I am completing as many tests as I possibly can so as to speed up the date of surgery.  I am currently off of work and feel that the more time I have off work after the surgery, the better.  I am scheduled to return to work in September 2009 if all things are looking good. 
I am pretty excited to be having this surgery.  I am, of course, also scared.  Seeing the good doctor for the first time really drove home the reality of the fact that I am having this surgery and I have to say that it caused me to freak out a little bit.  I'll deal with it.  I have dealt with far worse. 
As a bonus, my aunt is also pursuing surgery as an option to decrease her weight, control her diabetes and also her trouble with her pancreas.  It will be nice to have someone else on this crazy journey at the same time as me.  She has less weight to lose but I will likely have surgery before her, so we will hit goal weight at about the same time, I think.  We will see. 
In any event, I am off to pare down the overload of toys my children have.  If I do it now, I won't have to do it later, right?  RIGHT!