sassyjonz

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Yesterday was my 2 year surgiversary, so I am posting an update.  Honestly, I had forgotten all about it. Healthwise, things are fine.  Other than some kidney stone issues that I have been dealing with since Christmas, I don't really have any physical complaints that can't be blamed on old age...LOL!

I had a lot of distractions the last 6-9 months.  First, I did a lot of work travel in 2011 and that really disrupted my exercise schedule.  I have really fallen off and I'm lucky to get in the gym once a week these days.  But also during that time, I became certified to teach water aerobics so I am hoping that will help get me sparked up to get back to it.  My reduced workouts haven't affected my weight however.  The other distraction is a man.  Yes, I did finally meet a wonderful man.  He is perfect for me. But the relationship is not without complications.  I did not anticipate that a relationship would be so complicated, so much work and so difficult.  I really thought that at our age, it would be pretty cut and dry.  Stupid, I know.  So anyway, that saga continues with it's highs and lows and ups and downs. 

My weight is stable and has been for probably the last 12 months.  I stay in my range of 155-160 and usually hover around 155-156 if my eating is fairly carb conservative.  I actually did get down to 153 during the height of my issue with kindney stones. I don't really worry too much about what I eat.  I think I am as aware of what I eat as I was before WLS, I just eat different things now.  I am a carb and sugar monster and I don't deny myself things I love like chocolate, ice cream, etc.  But I do try to be conscious of how much I eat and when.

As a result, I probably have more issues than I should with gas and bowel movements.  I don't have problems with bowel movements per se, I just have them quite often.  Several times a day in fact.  I know that I have one within an hour or 2 of eating just about anything...sometimes even less.  I haven't made the connection of what I eat and how long the BM takes to arrive.  I am of the opinion that if you eat something, it should digest and be expelled.  Not having a BM more than once a day is probably not particularly healthy.  And as someone who only had a BM every other day or so pre-op, I'm not gonna cry about having one several times a day.  I really need to keep a food diary so I can have more control.  I talk a lot about that but have yet to consistently do it.  And the gas, well, that is probably the biggest issue I have.  If I really considered it a problem, than I would probably regret my surgery.  But I consider it one of the very few prices I pay for the health and well being that the DS allows me to enjoy now.  And I would not trade that for anything.  So I believe that the gas can be managed somehow.  Yes, I know that one of the main ways is diet, but honestly, I think that everything I eat, including protein, gives me some level of gas. And I take primal defense ultra every day.  I am fully aware that white flower is the food that feeds my gastrointestinal system to produce absurd amounts of foul smelling flatulence.  But it's really hard to escape white flour products.  Especially when you love sweets.  So, I just have to keep searching for alternatives.  If anyone has any other suggestions besides diet or Flagyl, I'd love to hear it.

As for how much I eat, I can eat a lot.  I would say I eat a normal portion sized meal.  Sometimes I eat smaller meals more often.  I usually get hungry every 2 hours. And if I work out or do any strenuous physical activity, I am ravenously hungry.  Sometimes I don't eat much at one time and I wait for a half hour or so and eat some more.  It's definitely not a consistent thing and I had to learn to listen to my stomach more closely and stop before I get full or suffer being miserably full.

I have worn a size 8 since I was 11 months post-op.  That has not changed, and I must say, this is the longest I have ever maintained a weight or a size in my entire life.  And with little effort I might add. I get on the scale amlost everyday to keep myself in check and know how I have to manage my diet that day.  It's not obssessive, it's just maintenance.

What you realize really quickly about this journey, is that life around you doesn't change even while YOU have transformed.  I still have a lot of stress at work and at home.  And as I mentioned earlier, men are from mars and that is it's own challenge. The key to all of these challenges is finding ways to cope with them without abusing food. 

I still have a hard time shopping.  It is NOT my favorite thing to do and if I could afford a personal shopper, I certainly would have one.  It is still a strange and unnatural thing for me.  Much of that is psychological and I think that some day, that will change.  But a lot of it is needing to catch up.  It is very daunting to need an entire wardrobe.  When you think about all the clothes you collect over a lifetime, it is overwhelming to drop 6 sizes and need EVERYTHING. I am still wearing some things that are entirely too big for me because I haven't replaced them yet.  I don't have the benefit of having been a size 8 in the past so I am really starting at square 1.  I am overwhelmed at the things I still need.  So much so that I am just in denial so I don't shop until it becomes urgent.  And as you know, you can never find what you need when you need it.  But this too is not a "problem", it is just a change and a challenge that I have to meet head on and I will.

I would love to be able to afford plastic surgery and it's something that I think about often.  I was a lightweight but I still lost 110lbs which left my body with some figure issues that I would love to take care of.  Still, if I never have PS, I can live with the way my body is now.  The only real hanging skin I have are my batwings. And my thighs are pretty loose but I dont let it keep me from wearing bermuda shorts.  However, a bikini is completely out of the question.  Ideally, if I had 30 or 40k, I would have my arms done, tummy tuck, a breast lift, thigh lift and something done about my ass that does not involve implants.  My face took a hit too.  I never realized how much fat is in your face.  But I could use some fat injections in my laughlines and the skin on my neck tightened up.  Even with all that, I do a pretty good job of concealing these issues and I got a good bit of attention on the dating sites so I can't look all that bad right?

Overall, I would say that after 2 years, my life is far, far better than it was pre op.  I have a self esteem and confidence in myself that I never had before.  It changes my outlook entirely and gives me courage to do and experience things that I would never have as a pre-op.

For those embarking on this journey, do your research, get your head straight, and forge ahead.  It is worth it.

My surgiversary was this past Thursday.  I had my annual appointment with my surgeon and he declared that I had met my goal weight which for him was 168.  I had actually reached that goal weeks ago. After consistently maintaining a weight of 163 and 164 for the past 2 weeks, at my surgeon's office I weighed 165 at 4pm in the afternoon on thursday with my clothes on.  And I now weigh 160 as of Friday and again this morning.  So, I have now reached my personal goal.  I am still not comfortably in a size 8 and my surgeon and I discussed me losing a bit more to account for any possible bounceback regain as I settle into maintenance.  I have decided that another 5 pounds will give me a window between 155 and 160.

So, what's different after 1 year?  So many things.  I feel more normal now. And my definition of normal is not feeling like the biggest person in any room, being able to shop in any standard size store, buckling the seatbelt on the plane with lots of room to pull on the strap, crossing my legs with ease, exercising without pain and a whole host of other things I couldn't do at over 100lbs overweight.

I caught the tail end of a surgery war the other day and the OP said that DSers never want people to know the downside of DS.  I don't think that's true at all.  If any pre-op spends any time on the DS board, they will hear a great deal about the downside of the DS.  So much so that I think people get the wrong idea about the DS and that is why the only thing you hear about is the gas and the poop.  That seems to be what people complain about the most. 

I think that mature people understand that in life there are trade offs and with any WLS, not just the DS, there are trade offs.  In exchange for this great tool that helps us lose weight rapidly with, let's face it, very little effort, we have to take our vitamins, drink our protein shakes, get some moderate exercise, watch the carbs and put up with some minor annoyances like gas and smelly bowel movements.

Now, I personally think that the gas and smelly bowels are rediculous and the numerous posts about them are absurd.  It's as if people thought their gas and crap smelled like roses before their surgery!  NEWS FLASH!!!  Everyone's sh*&%t stinks!  Maybe it stinks a little worse after surgery but ask yourself one question....is it a deal breaker? Would you really go back to being obese because you can't stand the smell of your gas and your poop? The answer is really easy for me.  Hell no!

But I digress...other downsides? They aren't directly related to the surgery but a byproduct I guess. Simply the realization that my problems were not miraculously solved by losing weight. That being overweight was not the scapegoat for all that was wrong in my life.  Once the weight was gone, many of my problems and issues were still there which caused me to realize that I was eating to deal with those problems.

I have no regrets.  The benefits far outweigh any downside.  The difficult first several weeks of feeling crappy were worth it to feel the way I feel now.  The general good health I am experiencing, the energy and increased mobility.

Maybe one day I will make peace with shopping.  Right now I feel like I am always trying to catch up and it is always a chore that I never have enough time for.  I look forward to the day when my weight stabalizes and stays the same for a long period of time so I can actually build a wardrobe.  

I also look forward to the day when I find the love of a good man.  Apparently that is something that had nothing to do with my weight either because that situation has not improved with weightloss.  Or maybe it's true that a good man is just really hard to find. Especially at my age.  I only wish I had done this 20 years ago when it still could have made a difference in the direction of my life.  I might have been able to get married and have children, something that is not possible now.

So, my hope for year 2 is to maintain a weight of between 155 and 160 with no more effort than my current routine which is 2 to 3 days of workout and watching my carb intake.  I will weigh only twice a week and I will make adjustments as the scale dictates.  My goal will be to increase my exercise regimine to include something new and to increase the number of laps I swim.  I will also try hard to NOT miss my midday vitamins.

I am also going to get out more to events and functions and I want to take at least 2 vacations this year which may be ambitious but if not 2 at the very least, 1.

So that's a wrap on year 1 of my DS journey.  An overwhelming success!!  GOAL!!!! 

So I haven't posted an update on OH in a while although I have uploaded an update on YouTube for those that are following me there.

Everything is going along pretty smoothly.  There is really nothing to report...thus, no updates.  My weightloss has progressed as I would have expected, me being a lightweight.  Things slowed down significantly the closer I get to my goal. Although, some weeks I am pleasantly surprised by the scale.  Like this week, I managed to lose 2lbs.  No real change in my eating.  I have worked out pretty hard last weekend for 3 days straight but my workouts are inconsistant. 

I currently weigh 168 and I am wearing my personal goal size 10.  As a result, I adjusted my OH goal weigh up from 155 to 160, which is my surgeon's goal weight.  My "ideal" weight, according to some chart, is 143 which at this point, I think is rediculous and would have me looking absurdly thin unless I was by some miracle able to have plastic surgery to remove the excess skin and fat that are literally hanging from my body which would probably weigh about 15lbs. 

If everything I have read is correct, I still have another 8 or 9 months of "losing window" during which I will possibly still be losing weight.  I feel as though I have been in maintenance phase for quite a while now.  I rarely if ever drink protein shakes.  I can get all my protein in with food.  But I know that if I want to lose and lose fast, I need to replace meals with protein shakes.  Which would feel like dieting at this point but if I wanted to lose fast just to get to my goal quickly, that would be a way to do it. 

But why, since I will basically make it to my surgeon's goal in 1 year, maybe even less by eating normally and just exercising 2 to 3 days a week, I see no reason to change that just to meet a number.

I've said from the beginning that the number on the scale was never my goal since I had no idea what a healthy weight was for me as an adult.  I will simply decide what looks and feels good and right to me with the help of my surgeon and PCP,  And as I said, I factor in this excess skin.  Once I reach whatever my goal weight is determined to be, I will simply use the scale as a guideline to keep my weight in check.

So I definitely overate today.  I am still full and miserable.  I also cooked all day so I am exhaused.

I replied to a post yesterday about transfer addictions and admitted that I still have an addiction to food.  As I am sure everyone knows, having WLS does not cure you of your psychological issues.  It only fixes your physical weight loss problem.  I enjoy food, love it really.  I enjoy cooking and enjoy eating my own cooking.  I love sweets, chocolate, bread, meats, dammit...all of it!  So how on earth do I keep myself in check when this is what I have to deal with?  I mean, let's face it, this IS the reason I chose this surgery, so I wouldn't have to give up eating.  But that's a double edged sword really, isn't it? 

I guess I figured that once I lost the weight, I could just work out and that would balance things out.  I mean, I hear thin people say that all the time.  "I work out so I can eat!"  Like they are all proud of it.  So maybe this is normal?  But it doesn't feel normal.  I don't know.  So I was all excited that I never have to make another New Year's resolution to lose weight but it seems that I need to resolve to seek therapy for a possible food addiction in the new year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Almost exactly 5 months to the day of my surgery, I got on the scale this morning to find I was under 200 lbs.  What a wonderful and delightful surprise that was. Not completely unexpected.  I knew it was coming in a matter of days.  But still...wonderful to see it finally happen.  I can't remember the last time I weighed under 200 pounds.  It's been more than 10 years and probable more like 20 and maybe even 25 so it's like seeing a very, very old friend again who looks very different now...much like myself.

After those first 5 weeks, this journey has been almost effortless. Almost too easy.  Except for the psychological and social challenges that have to be faced and dealt with, I can't say that any of this has been hard (with the exception of shopping).  I almost feel guilty having had such an easy time losing so much weight.  Isn't is supposed to be hard?  No pain no gain? Feel the burn?  I mean, I am working out but I was working out before and even that is easier now.

So was that all a lie? Should losing weight really be this effortless all the time short of the surgery & recovery?  Maybe I just haven't gotten to the hard part yet.  Maybe maintenance is the hard part?  Of course it will be.  Maintaining whatever goal weight I settle on will be the lifelong challenge. But somehow, with the wonderful tool I have in the DS, I think that it will still not be as hard as not having it at all.

I've always loved clothes.  I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was young.  My mom made all of my clothes from birth till I was a teen and beyond and she taught me how to sew. It is a luxury that I have absolutely no time for now.

But loving clothes does not compute with being morbidly obese.  Shopping becomes more difficult, more dissappointing and a lot less fashionable. It becomes a chore...a mere task to find something to look presentable in at the office or various casual or social situations.  It was definitely not "fun".

I, like many WLSers, have goals that include clothing milestones like getting to a size 10 or fitting into a pair of boots or shorts.  I knew that cever hanging clothing sizes would be part of this deal.  I just wasn't prepared to deal with the realities of it.

So previously, shopping for me was a day out with my mother to the Avenue and Lane Bryant.  She usually bought something and I only bought something about 50% of the time. I usually ended the day pretty disgusted with myself and my weight but it was time spent with my mom so it wasn't a complete loss.

Now that my mother is gone, shopping just reminds me of her and although I am no longer disgusted with myself when I go into the dressing room (on the contrary, I am pleasantly surprised with every new size I go down) shopping is very frustrating and time consuming.  For one thing, sizes are not standardized and you have to try everything on.  Then you find something you like and they don't have it in your size. And then theres the fact that I am still losing weight and I can't really afford to spend alot on any single piece when it won't fit in a couple of weeks.

So I have been doing my best to look decent at work...but apparently that isn't good enough because a few of my coworkers staged a mini intervention and gave me a bra (the girls have gone south and I have no bras that fit) and a lecture on how I need to get some better fitting clothes and when I whined about how hard that has been they said I needed to change my attitude about it.

Man, I feel like they are 2 steps away from calling Stacy and Clinton from "What Not To Wear" and nominating me for the show! It's not like I'm not aware there is a problem here.  I just don't know how I can do any more than I am doing.  This has been rather stressful.  And despite what people think...that I should be happy as a clam cause I am losing weight and I can shop for smaller clothes...well, that's not the only thing this journey was about.

It's only been 5 months since I had this surgery and although I believe my head was in a good place when I went into this and I have adjusted very well, there are still some things that are going to take some time and some mental adjustment.  I have never been thin as an adult.  I have never shopped for myself in places like Old Navy or Banana Republic or Victoria's Secret or Lerners.  I have never even had salespeople treat me like a human being in these stores.  I have been in these stores with my skinny friends who treat me like a servant to hold their bags and purses and give opinions or find other sizes. But for me to go into these places and "be the customer"...that's going to be a head trip I'm not sure how I will react to.

I still wouldn't trade this journey for anything.  This challenge is part of it and this is how I see this issue...a challenge.  I am great with challenges.  I rise to them and conquer them.  I have no doubt that I will get through this phase and come out looking fabulous on the other side.

I LOVE MY DS!

So I'm just over 5 weeks post-op.  I won't lie, it's been rough. My surgery experience has humbled me and made me realize that I am not the "exception" that I thought I was.  I thought I would be on my feet in 2 weeks feeling great and ready to conquer the world.  Boy was I wrong.  I very much remember being in the hospital feeling like I just wanted to die and be put out of my misery...that's how bad I was feeling.  Anyway, I digress.

I really wanted to discuss the love/hate relationship I have with food right now.  Which is interesting since the reason I chose the DS is because I LOVE food.  I mean we all do right?  That's why we are here.  The reason I chose the DS over the other surgeries is because of the lifestyle it allows you afterwards. The most normal eating. I'll be able to eat what I wan't, in moderation of course.

So that makes my current state of mind very interesting to me. Now, I realize that everything I go through right now is pretty temporary, but there is also a psychological element to this thing as well that is best not to ignor. After all, the surgery is on our body, not our head and you have to deal with your issues with food or you will not be successfull in the long run.

So once you start eating again post-op, you progress through phases. I went from getting absolutely nothing for 24 hours after surgery (which seemed unusually cruel because I was violently thirsty and just wanted ice chips or a drop of water) to little shot glasses of clear liquids and jello to broth and soups then on to soft foods like yogurt and runny mashed potatoes and scrambles eggs.

What I found interesting and unexpected was that I was hungry from day 1. I was having violent, aggressive hunger pangs so I was "eating" about every 30 minutes.  Oh, it was only a couple of teaspons at a time of whatever but every 30 minutes or so.  But that caused me to get really sick of the things I was consuming. If I never have chicken broth again that will be fine with me.

When I had my first scrambled egg it was wonderful, but I was sick of eggs within a week and have given them up entirely wondering if they contribute to my migraines.  I used to eat eggs every day pre-op. I never thought I would ever give them up. Go figure!

I am eating regular food now, for the most part. I am incorporating things back slowly as advised to see how they affect me.  I have not had steak yet but look forward to it.  I find that so many things though no longer taste the same.  I try things that in concept, sound like they should taste good, and then they don't. And then I can eat so little of things, it hardly seems worth the effort to prepare.  For all of the brainpower I have to put into to figuring out what I can eat, sometimes it just seems easier not to eat.  I know that is really lame and pretty lazy but I guess it is just frustration.

For days I had been craving a salad.  A Zaxby's Blackened Blue Chicken Zalad to be exact.  I was going crazy so I just went ahead and got it. I was concerned because of what I had read on the DS board about some folks having problems with salad and lettuce. So I dished out some of the salad in a small bowl and put the mediteranean dressing on it. I made the mistake of also eating half of the texas toast that comes with it.  I ate it slowly and chewed it very well.  I waited over an hour and I was fine. No problems no issues.  I ate some more of the salad.  Several hours went by. All was well.  No gas, no bloating.  I was thrilled.  I love salad. It was a staple of my pre-op diet and I was excited to find something healthy that I could eat with no issues.

Unfortunately, at 2am, I found myself in the bathroom, taking the Brown's to the Superbowl, as one of my college buddies used to say. And then again at 5am.  My dilemma, is that I don't know if it was the salad, or the texas toast, or if this was a perfectly normal bowel movement.  I am determined to try the salad again. But without the texas toast.  Hey! It's too importatn to me!

So forgive this rambling post but I just wanted to talk about this weird relationship that I have with food now.  I love it, but I hate it.  I'd almost rather not eat than have to figure out what to eat and whether or not something is going to taste good or how it's going to affect me.  I really look forward to not being such a newb!

I went to confession today.  Yes, I am catholic.  So I went to confession.  I should note that I probably wouldn't have if my dad didn't insist we needed to go.  He is way more "devout" than I am.  But I figured, hey, why not?  And I could use a blessing and all the good spiritual vibes I can get for my surgery on Ash Wednesday.

So this confessional is different than I remember when I was a kid in parochial school where you sort of see the priest through a little screen on the other side of a wall.  Instead, Father and I sat face to face, a little disconcerting when you are confessing your "sins".  Now, I am not a bad person and I haven't committed any sins lately, not that I am perfect or anything but, I am of the general belief that god sees everything that I do, so confessing to a priest really seems like an unnecessary ritual to me.  But like I said, I was in it for the blessing.  So I rattled through the formalities and blabbered on about not giving enough time serving others and being self absorbed, yada, yada...then wrapped it up.  I got a little chat about being aware is the first step and he issued my pretty light penance.  So I then asked him if I could have a blessing as I was having surgery on Ash Wednesday.

Now here's where it got weird for me.  He then asked me if he could ask what type of surgery.  You can't lie to a priest right? So I said "weight loss surgery" and he seemed to pause.  I suddenly felt unworthy, as if I had told him I was having a nose job.  I have no idea if that is what he thought, and I have no idea why I felt like this.  He gave me a blessing, I thanked him and I left the confessional. 

Could it be that getting so close to my surgery date, I am feeling unworthy of such a procedure?  After all, one of the reasons, I have not been telling very many people is because the first thing I get when I tell people, including my friends, is that I am not big enough to need WLS.  That is bunk of course...I have a 40 bmi and I need to lose 125lbs.  Sure, that's not much compared to a lot of WLS patients but it's a "hundred" pounds ya'll! 

Maybe it's because I don't have the common co-morbids.  I mean really, I would not die if I did not have this surgery tomorrow, this week, this month or even this year.  But, my metabolism is broken after a lifetime of losing and gaining weight and it is simply impossible to lose the weight and keep it off without extreme intervention.  And there are all the co-morbids that run in my family...diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure in addition to colorectal cancer.  So it is only a matter of time before those diseases come to find me.  And the arthritis in my knees is already pretty bad and very painful.

So this surgery is all a part of me being "self absorbed" as I told the priest. I am not married...I have no children.  The only person I have to even be worried about is my father, and he is pretty self sufficient.  So is it wrong of me to be self absorbed and take a pre-emptive strike to prevent some inevitable diseases and help me become a more healthy and active person?  Is it wrong to do something drastic to improve my quality of life and prolong it?

Will I forever have to justify my choice to people who think I took a reckless and unecessary risk?

I don't know, but I know that the results will be my reward and I can handle anything else after that.

I just finished with Pre-op testing and final consent for my DS next Wednesday.  People keep asking me if I am excited.  I am not excited per se.  I'm not sure if it has hit me yet actually.  I have so many things to do at work and at home so I am keeping busy.  So what I am feeling is this feeling of running out of time.

The biggest issue I have are concerns brought up by others on OH about my surgeon.  I am trying to reconcile them with the fact that I have talked to my surgeon...I have talked to his patients...I have attended his support group meetings...I have done my research.  What these OH critics have offered can be interpreted a lot of ways and I absolutely understand why that information would cause them to choose a different surgeon.

Is this me trying to convince myself that I am fine with my choice of surgeon? Probably, but I can only make an informed decision based on the information I have.  And I have done that.  I don't have any feeling of dred or worry.  The spiritual side of myself knows that this thing is in God's hands ultimately anyway. What I am experiencing is just the wonder of the unknown.  That is the best way I can put it.  I have no idea what will happen...if I will come through perfectly with no issues or complications, if I will make it off the operating table even.  And I am sure I would feel this way even if I had been able to get my 1st choice surgeon, Dr. Smith.

I do know that if I change my thinking from that to visualizing my surgery going perfectly and my recovery going smoothly to me easily walking laps on the ward and getting discharged early to easily taking in fluids and protein and getting through these next few weeks issue and complication free and well on the way to a new thin life that I will be better off. 

So that is what I intend to do...focus intently on what I DO WANT and KNOW.  I KNOW that God and my deceased, surgery tech mother will be guiding my surgeon's hand with skill and care. I KNOW that there will be no problems during surgery and all will go smoothly.  I WANT a smooth recovery.  I WANT to get in all my fluids and protein.  I WANT to bounce back as quickly as possible.  I WANT to get back in the pool in 4 weeks.  I WANT to lose all my excess weight and maintain a weight I am happy with and can easily maintain with NO DIETING!

That's what I am going to concentrate on. So yes, I am excited, although reservedly so.  I am excited about the new life this surgery opens the door to.  I am excited about the health I am in store for.  I am excited about the new level of activity I will be able to achieve.  I am excited about becoming an athlete.

Rebirth happens next Wednesday, Ash Wednesday as it happens to be. Very appropriately a holy day as I am calling on all my spiritual beliefs to help me through this complex surgery.

It's all gonna work out as I see it in my mind. And I look forward to the new life ahead.

So, I finally have an approval and a date ya'll!!  After 6 months of endless research and jumping through the insurance hoops and a nail biting peer-to-peer review, I will be switched on Feb. 17.

OH has been instrumental in preparing me for the DS and I have made some wonderful friends like Lacey in Detroit and Robert in NY.

I am fairly well prepared and although I only have 2 weeks before my surgery, I only have a few things to get in order.  Luckily, I don't have any kids or husband to worry about so I just have to get things squared away at work and prepare them for my abscence for 3 weeks or so.

I am determined to have a flawless surgery and smooth, quick recovery.  And I will be itching to get back in the pool as soon as my surgeon will let me.

This is the first of my goals for this year and I couldn't be more thrilled and optimistic.

Boy was I wrong.

I went to the OH conference meet n greet this evening.  I have to admit that I had to really talk myself into going.  I am a very shy person and it is more natural for me to be a hermit than to go out and be around people...especially people I don't know.  So I made the effort.  I got spiffed up and I went over there. 

When I arrived, fashionably late of course, there were already a lot of people there.  After grabbing a comforting glass of water to occupy my empty hands, I scanned the room.  I finally spotted the one person I felt I somewhat knew, whom I had met at the clothing exchange earlier but there was no room at her table.  So I proceeded all the way to the back of the room to a table with only 3 people.  I asked them if I could join them.  They said that all the seats were taken.  I scanned the room again and all of the tables were pretty much filled with people happily chatting one another up and nibbling on hors deuvres.

This is when panic started to set in.  What do I do now? 

I cannot tell you the great feeling of disappointment I felt.  I had thought that surely I would feel welcomed among these people...I thought I would feel like I belonged. But instead I felt very isolated in this room full of people, people whom I thought were just like me.  But were they? Where most of these people post-ops?  I have felt this way many, many times before.  Like the fat girl just trying to fit in but not really fitting in at all.  I thought surely, this would be one place I would not feel like that.

Wrong again.  Flashback to the many parties and nightclubs I have been to and felt so awckward and out-of-place.  I fled the room to the bathroom across the hall where I abandoned my comforting glass of water to exhale and use the toilet.  I languished in there longer than I would have normally, trying to decide if I was going to get back in there and try again or just go home.  Just going home won that mental battle. I exited the bathroom and out the front door.  I sat in my car wondering why I had even bothered and why wasn't I the "life of the party" kind of girl?

Is there a division between the pre-ops and the post-ops.  Or is it that once you lose your weight, you suddenly become one of the "others"...do you forget what it feels like back on the other side of thin.

And I don't know that that's a bad thing.  Maybe it is a good thing to no longer see yourself as a fat person and embrace your new normal sized life.  I certainly can't blame them.  What I was feeling was certainly not their fault.

It is just me and my insecurities and I look forward to not feeling that way ever again.  I look forward to losing this weight and feeling the confidence to go into a room full of people, by myself, and be completely at ease.

It will happen...one day.