sillymonkey23

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

i know my mom loves me. but it's annoying me slightly that she's not happy for me right now and my decision concerning weight loss surgery. I mean i know she's prob concerned because i'm so young and i'm her baby and blah blah blah but seriously...to come right out and say "NO, you're not getting this done" (((even tho i'm 23 and don't need her permission))). Or to taunt me with the fact that it'll be a very very very very very long time b4 i'd be able to eat pizza again if i got the surgery. WTF?!?! are u serious? And i doubt she had the same reaction when my brother got his done @ 29years old. I mean, does she want me to get to 510lbs like he did??? I just don't get it... like ur heavy...and u've been trapped inside ur body for 52 years...you probably only weight 20lbs more than i do but you've had 52years to accumulate all that...i've done it in less than half that time. So i thought she'd be SUPPORTIVE of the fact that i'm taking charge in getting my life back. Maybe it's too soon in the process for her to show support? Maybe after i've met with a surgeon and really started the process...maybe then will she come around.....i hope so. Bcuz as much as i hate to admit it...i'm going to need her.

so i've been missing from OH for a while. Mainly because honestly, the site depressed me a little more. Looking at people's post-op pics and wondering how come i can't look like that and wondering would i EVER be able to look like that.  So i thought it was best to just fall back for a while...do some thinking and some soul searching and what not. And now i'm back. [Still probably won't be a daily OH user because i don't want to fall back into that pity party that i was in a while back.]

I have taken 1.5 steps toward my weight loss journey i suppose.

Step 1: I finally had a heart to heart talk...with myself! And realized that something in my life needed to change. I'm too much of a fun loving person to be depressed the way I was. And i'm not going to sit here and say that my depression was caused soley by my weight. Because it's not that. It's a factor but not the only one. I think i finally admitted to myself that I have a problem. No one should be 340 lbs...especially not a 23 year old. And i realize that with each bite of deliciously hot pepperoni pizza i'm slowly killing myself...and i don't want to die. So time to nip this thing in the bud before it becomes more out of control than it already has. So yeah Step 1....admit that there is a problem.

Step 1.5: I made an appointment with my primary care doc to discuss surgery and other options. Not a big step, but still a step that needs to be acknowledge lol

So yeah, my journey is just beginning. I'm afraid. So very afraid. Just thinking about it right now terrifies me to no end. But it's necessary. I know that by no means will this be easy...but i know for a fact that it'll be worth it.

andddd that's it for now. Ta-ta OH!

are the reason i shop online. I went to Lane Bryant tonight (which i never do cuz i stopped shopping there since Old Navy started offering plus size) and i went to try on a pair of jeans. And before i could try on the jeans...i caught a glimpse of myself in that huge...well lit mirror....and i just stopped....i was mesmerized........... and competely disgusted by what was staring back at me.

i mean, i've been big my entire life, and most of my weight has always been in my stomach...but i never noticed exactly how big it is, and how my thighs looked once i actually lift my freakin' stomach outta the way...i'll spare the details...but let's just say it wasn't pretty.

lately i feel like i've become obsessed with my weight....i feel like nothing looks right on me anymore, i'm always worried that people are talking about me, and all i think about is how my life would be so much easier if i could just lose 150lbs! and i'm upset with myself!!!!!  and because i hate myself so much i'm even entertaining the thought of starting a relationship with someone just out of sheer lonliness and dare i say it...desperation (even though my old counselor would be pissed with me because then i'd just be reversing 2 years of therapy) but i used to be that person in high school...i was that person my first year and a half of college...and then i turned into the DIVA!! (who was still fat, but ok with it)...and now i feel like i'm regressing...and i don't like it...i never want to be that person again. i feel like i know why all of a sudden my weight is an obsession...but i'll keep it to myself.

gastric bypass has always been on my mind...it's been on my mind for 4 years now...but i just seriously don't know...so i was thinking about joining Curves because it seemed to work for my mom when she was going...but being a recent college grad i'm not really trying to incur anymore monthly expenses.....

idk i think i'm just unhappy with almost every aspect of my life right now...and being over 300lbs doesn't help things....

greetings all. so today is my "first" day here. i've been looking around the site for a while, checking out ppl's profiles and such but never really wanted to join. i think i felt like if i joined, then i'd be admitting to myself that i'm somewhat unhappy with myself and need "help". There's a movie called 28days with Sandra Bullock. And in it, she goes to rehab. During like her first week there, she struggles with a few things and the resident therapist makes her wear a "therapeutic tool" aka a sign around her neck that says "Confront me if i don't ask for help"....i guess this is my way of "asking for help". we'll see how it goes tho...if i end up hating it....thennnn i'm sure i'll just delete my account and silently stalk ppl like i used to lol. (hope that doesn't sound creepy...)

sooo more to come, this was just my introductory blog....