smedley200

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

June 19, 2007 - I have not posted on here in many years. Why? I suppose the memories are not something I choose to dwell on. I received a lot of loaded emails for "bad talking" the surgery, so I just stopped talking. I received an email from a pre-op wanting me to update my blog. Sheesh when i started all of this that word did not even exist. So here we go.

It has been a little over 5 years since I made that life altering decision. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I did this to myself, that I chose to allow someone to operate on me. Now I can not say if I would do it again or not. Even with all the horrible things I have endured. Why... because after 5 years it is hard to remember what it was like walking around at 320 lbs. Not being able to fit into a booth, having people stare at me, not being able to buy clothes at the mall, not riding roller coasters or airplanes. I can say this. After 5 years I am still paying, and big. Recently I had to have another port put in because my body just does not have the proper absortion rate. So now every Friday I go and have a needle stuck into my chest to be pumped full of goodies. Recently I have found out that I have to have all of my upper teeth pulled and get dentures. Lovely, 34 years old and dentures. My teeth are rotting out of my head. Years of starvation and infections, antibiotics and steroids have done me in. I am in constant pain from my teeth so I guess I am looking forward to having them yanked out. But I am also scared, another painful procedure to add to my list.

I am still on disability, I have absolutely no immune system so going out into public is something I think long and hard about because I usually get sick, and when I get sick it lasts for weeks. A simple cold can put me into the ER. I can not go out during the day in the summer because I can no longer handle the heat. If I am out in it for more than a few moments I pass out. If I need to go shopping I have to park in the closest handicap spot I can, so I can make it to the door. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome. What can the docs do about this..nothing. They are not curable. But hey I am not fat anymore right. Along with loosing the weight I lost my life and myself. I am not the person i was. Hell I can barely remember the person I was. The strong independent woman that ran a company and worked 80 hour weeks. And loved it. I was strong and nothing could stress me out I could handle it all and then some. Now trying to figure out what to do for dinner can cause a breakdown. I am a mommy now and I thank God everyday for my son. Because of my NEW body I have lost 2 other children, so I thank god everyday for him. but hey I am not fat anymore.

I look at things a lot different now. It is so hard sometimes, taking my son somewhere to play and not being able to be part of the group because I can not stand up for too long, or go out in the sun or crawl around with my son on the playground. I tried to join a Mommy group, but they were always going to outside functions. Of course they were, kids need to be outside. I tried to do it, and I passed out. Scared the hell out of everyone there, including my son. So we stay home, or find indoor activities to do. I spend a lot of time at docs offices so he gets to play with the nurses a lot. I have the only child in the world whose playmates are nurses. My husband is wonderful but even he gets tired of it, I can see it in his eyes. Sex is, well nearly impossible. Most of the time it is too painful, putting my body into any form of exertion just hurts. I grit my teeth and bear it, but what kind of love life is that? It always amazes me that people still act like it is all good because I am so thin, even when they know the truth of it all. Was it worth it...no. Would I go back and change it. No. sounds crazy, but this is the path God chose for me. It is a hard path full of ditches and holes, booby traps and land mines. And I fall down a lot. But I have my son and I have my life. Barely, but I have it. Everything is more difficult now, dental work is nearly impossible because I have so much nerve damage my pain sensors are firing all the time, most docs wont even touch me. I was lucky to find one, but it costs a huge amount because he will only do the work in a hospital setting. Rip em all out and dont worry about them anymore. I get handed off from specialist to specialist because all of the doctors are afraid of me. CYA ya know

Ok, people always ask me if I am against this surgery. No i am not. I think that in the right hands of a capable and caring surgeon this surgery is a miracle for some people. For the right people. But I also think that we walk in blind. All we see, no matter how many classes we take or how many shrinks we see are those damn before and after photos. The photos of people after the weight loss and the skin removal (which I can not have done by the way because my system is too weak, it would probably kill me). The photos of the 400 lb woman in a bikini after she lost all that weight. It is hard not to get stars in your eyes, dreaming of the day someone will hold the door for you, take a second glance at you, and not the kind of disgusted omg your fat glance but the hey goodlooking glance. We think of shopping with all the "NORMAL" people at the mall. Of not being forced into that one little area by the maternity clothing, the are with the ugly flowered shirts and shapeless dresses. What we do not think of is what life will be like 5 years later. I pray that for most of you life is good. That you never regret the decisions you made and that you can now go outside and run with your kids. For those of us that will never have those things because of this one decision, I hope we are the few not the many. Sometimes at night I sit and wonder how many years I have now. Would being fat have allowed me a longer life than being thin? I wonder how much of my life I have cut off with this surgery. I am missing so many parts inside, can I function for as long as I could have in the past. And how many more procedures, illnesses and diseases can my body take. I worry for my son and husband. Will I be here long enough to see him graduate, go to college, get married and have kids. Night times are the hardest because all we can do is think.

So for those of you reading this because you are thinking of having the procedure, dont just look at my photos. Dont just see the loss of the weight, read this and see the loss of so many other important things. All in all I am one of the lucky ones. Many died under his knife. I lived and had a beautiful boy. I try to count my blessings, somedays it is just too hard to get past the pain.