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Dr. Ward Dunnican is the surgeon I am assigned to for my surgery. I have an appt. with him on Tuesday Sept 14th. It is to be my first meeting with him and I am very excited. I have researched Dr. Dunnican and read nothing but excellent reviews about him from both patients and the hospitals where he has taught and worked. I feel blessed to have such a well respected, competent surgeon. It gives me a feeling of safety.

Yesterday my primary Dr.s office called to give me the appt. time for my upcoming colonoscopy. The secretary said "I notice on your chart it says to fax all test results to Dr. Dunnican?" I replied "yes" and she said "Did you hear what happened to him?" An uneasy feeling rose up in my stomach..... "Nooo, what?" I asked. "Last nite (Tuesday) he was killed in a motorcyle crash".  I just felt sick after hearing this. I met so many people in the support group I attend that are patients of his and they all sang his praise. Everyone seemed to love him  - as well as being an excellent surgeon he was very caring and concerned about the welfare of his patients and took good care of them on all levels. It is just such a tragedy! He was 38, married with 3 children and had everything to live for. I just feel awful about it and ache for the pain his wife and children must be feeling right now.

I am not sure where this leaves me in the pre-surgery process. There are two other surgeons in the Bariatric Group at Albany Medical Center where I am receiving my care - I assume they will, at least for the time being - take over Dr. Dunnican's patients but of course this will set things back for all of us. I am still in the process of taking care of all the pre-surgery appts and did not yet have a definite surgery date - the last time I was at the clinic they told me probably around the end of Oct. So I was kind of psyched about that - not sure now where things will stand, but despite this disappointment I will carry on and hope it won't delay things for me too much. It will be hard to stay on track and stay motivated if things drag on in a kind of "limbo" for too long.
And now I have to get used to the idea of a different Dr.

Anyway I really want to say "Rest in Peace Dr. Dunnican". I know you will be greatly missed. Your life was too short, but you did amazing things while on this earth and helped so many people.

I am meeting with my friend Becky tonite for dinner. She is also in the pre-surgery stage and we are making this journey together. Because she is younger & doesn't have to have as many pre-surgery tests, and because her surgery is already approved (her insurance is better than mine) she will probably have her surgery before me, even tho she started the process after me. I am still edgy because I know I have a fight ahead of me to get the surgery I want - and I don't have a lot of hope that what I want will be approved.  I am trying to gear myself for the disappointment I will feel if the bypass gets turned down on appeal - I also do not know if I want to have a band put it. I have gotten such negative feedback from all my Dr's about the band, and also from people on the message boards here who have had it and been unsuccessful. Yes I know it works for some, but at my age and with the amount of weight I need to lose it really is a very poor choice for me. The issue is, do I want to put myself thru that surgery and incur the out of pocket expenses for something that is probably NOT going to work for me? Or should I look at it like ANYTHING is better than nothing and even if I were to get banded and lose only 45% of the weight I need to lose, this is better than remaining where I am? I'm really not sure. All I know is I need to lose this weight that is restricting my life so much that I am essentially miserable. And altho I am very very lucky so far that it hasn't affected my health in too many adverse ways, I know eventually it will.
However, despite all that, I will keep plugging on and trying to lose on my own. So far I have done pretty good with that but I know my body - pretty soon no matter what I do the weight loss will stop as it always has, I'll get disappointed and eventually think to myself "what's the point?" and I'll be back where I started. It's a vicious cycle. I am trying to stay positive but it's hard.

So I got my bike on Sunday and I am thrilled with it. I can not believe I am actually looking forward to exercising! I may even join the local gym next spring when I have some other bills paid off and can afford the monthly payment.
I am back on track with my woe (way of eating) - I don't want to say "diet" because it's really not a diet, it's the way I have to eat from here on out - it's a lifestyle change for keeps, not just till I get some weight off. So anyway, altho I admitt I get bored eating the same old stuff over and over, on the other hand it feels good to be back on track and in control again. I know I could get really innovative with recipe's and such, but it's actually better for me NOT to get too over the top with creativity in recipes when I'm trying to lose or maintain a weight loss. I need simplicity and not too many choices - boredom is better because it helps to curtail my eating. Another thing I find is that I cannot have things in the house like low carb ice cream bars because I am truly like an alcoholic with these type of things - I cannot control myself. I will eat them all in a 24 -48 hour span instead of allowing myself one every once in awhile for a treat. So no more of them, atleast for now. So anyway, I did great yesterday and will continue to stick to my plan. I do find the weekends harder to stay on track than during the week. But I'm a big girl - it's really all up to me to act like one! Either I chose to do what's right or I don't - and if I don't it's no one's fault but my own.

Yesterday was not such a great day diet wise. The first mistake I made was in not eating anything all day. I went to my brother's to hang out with him and my other brother. They are both of normal, or even, under weight. They asked me to pick up some snacks on the way - which I did. No point in sugar coating anything here - I fully intended to eat some of the chips, soda and dip I bought - and then later have pizza and wings with them. I justified it because I was 100% faithful to my diet the whole previous week. So I ate my share of the junk food - I was so hungry by the time I got to my bro's place at 3:30 pm that I over-indulged in the chips and soda and ate my fair share of pizza later, as well. I have been doing very well on my low carb eating plan for the past month and trying hard to listen to my body and learn when I am truly hungry, as opposed to head/heart hungry. I WAS truly hungry yesterday, but I wouldn't have been if I'd eaten properly earlier in the day. And I must say - it's been awhile since I stuffed myself like I did and I DID NOT like the feeling!! Which is good I guess.
Something good I've noticed is that lately, I am just as likely to crave some good seafood and a salad as I am to crave cookies and milk. My taste buds ARE changing. I crave water. I still tend to eat too much tho, even of the good stuff. Am working on portion control. That's about it for now. Oh! I bought a recumbent bike and am excited to be picking it up later today. I can hardly believe how much I look forward to getting an exercise plan in place!

I think I'm truly learning the meaning of that phrase. I am in the pre-surgery phase of this journey and working hard on losing the 10% of my excess lbs required before surgery. It's not easy. I am confronted more and more with my food addiction as I attempt to change my eating habits and get ready for surgery. The one thing I know I must do to make the surgery successful is overcome my addiction. Otherwise I will end up one of those that gain the weight back, and that I definitely do not want! So, I am working on my issues and trying hard to live the adage "One day at a time". I try not to feel guilt for my mistakes in the past nor worry about the future. Sometimes I start thinking " Can I do this for the rest of my life?" But truly, what IS the rest of my life? None of us knows how much time we have here in this life. I don't know, when I get up in the morning, if I'll still be around to go to bed when night rolls around - none of us do. So all we really have is today - this moment, and that's all I need to work with - THIS moment! If I can just conquer my cravings and head/heart hunger for THIS moment, that's all I need to do. I'm workin' on it!