Tizzles
Feeling a little self pity..
May 27, 2016
Being that I don't want to really tell very many people in my life about my desire for WLS, I don't really have anywhere to vent my frustrations when I have a rough day. I saw that this site had the blog function, and I figured with the anonymity of the internet, I might as well give it a go.
I have always been the type of person to feel like my life's timeline is written in permanent marker. I just "had" to be married by 30, kids soon after, career cemented and every little distinct part of my life mapped out by 35. When life didn't work out according to my permanent marker timeline, I got a little more than anxious. I became pretty obsessed. It took a while before I gave myself enough grace to realize that life's timeline was written in easy to erase pencil.
Making my way through nursing school has added a lot of stressors of its own. Being in an accelerated program pretty much means I have a huge test every other week. Not to mention clinical practicum skills tests, clinical, presentations, and real nursing tests, like the HESI. In the mix of all this I am dealing with diabetes, infertility, hypertension, high cholesterol; pretty much everything related to being overweight. Years ago when I was at my heaviest my doctor mentioned the Lap Band to me. I thought "That's totally not for me, I can lose 2 lbs a week, I can do this." Fast foward 5 years later and I'm not as big as I was, but still overweight. Guess I couldn't keep up with that 2 lbs a week loss. So I start doing research, I revisit the topic of WLS, but instead of the band, I become interested in the VSG. RNY makes me too nervous, plus I want to start out with just restriction and see if that can do the trick for me.
I start the process of questionairres, emails, seminars and insurance qualifications - all the while thinking I've got a pretty good shot at getting this surgery, afterall the last time I checked my BMI was 35 and I do have a bunch of co-morbidities. I should be "in like Flynn". Wrong. My BMI was sitting at 34.6 or so at the seminar and my doctor's office was absolutely NOT willing in any way to work with me to reach that last .4 - nothing. Not only do I need my 35 BMI at my intake, but I have to remain 35 BMI until the day of surgery or my surgeon won't even operate. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE ALLOW .4 OF A POINT TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING THE HELP I NEED? I am screaming at the top of my lungs to an empty room in my house with frustation. How in the hell are you going to really tell me I'm not sick enough yet to warrant help. HOW FUCKED ARE YOU? HOW MESSED UP IS THIS SYSTEM? It all seems so unfair. So whatever, I'll just gain the weight, I know I would put it on over time anyway, I've never stayed under a 35 BMI for long.
So I start upping my calories, I make healthy(ish) choices. I try not to eat a bag of Reese's Pieces every night because obviously that's wayyyy too much sugar for a diabetic. I start eating more protein, adding calories to each meal. I haven't been eating bread or starchy carbs, those got knocked off the list a year ago. I get my carbs mostly from fruit. I really felt like the extra calories were working - I definitely felt fatter. But then I start going back to the gym, trying to work at some of the extra flab I have around my arms hoping that I won't have full on bat wings at the end of this journey. Jump on the scale a week later...BMI has dropped 2 points. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I DIDN'T EVEN DO CARDIO!!! So my mom tells me "Well Tizzles, if you can lose weight like that maybe you don't need the surgery afterall, just keep exercising and actually start counting calories, you'll do great!" Gee thanks mom - getting the weight off has never been a real problem, it's keeping it off. Maintenance mode has never been a real thing with me. Maintenance = gaining. If I'm not in a perpetual state of losing, I am gaining - there is no rest period, no in between.
So here I am, not even going to the gym now to work on my inevitable bat wing status. Still adding in the excess calories, but I'm starting to freak out time wise. Registration for a new quarter in nursing school starts on June 1st. I had really hoped to be at the target BMI for my intake appointment, get through that mess, and have the insurance accept the surgery so I could schedule it for August ahead of time. That way I could take 1 quarter (11 weeks) off from school to take care of myself and get past the crazy liquids stage before I returned to school in September. Now I'm struggling. I'm afraid they'll schedule me for the surgery during school. There's no way I can miss a week of an accelerated program, I'd be too far behind. I could aim for the surgery to be in September instead of August, but there goes my birthday celebration, a planned trip...I know stupid reasons when you're looking at getting better for the rest of your life. I'm high strung, whatever.
So this is just me venting. Bitching and moaning. I don't often feel pitiful for myself, but I'm giving myself today. I'll pick myself up by the bootstraps later, maybe this afternoon before my Med-Surg exam. I'm sure it's all the stress of this quarter winding down. I just really wanted the "schedule" I had in my head to work out. I'm so afraid of having to wait too long and my diabetes causing some form of permanent damage. I don't want my pancreas so overworked it can never get better. I'm already hyperinsulinemic or whatever the hell it's called. My pancreas is seriously overworked. Like any day I'm sure it's going to hang up an "ON STRIKE" sign and start picketing around my abdomen. OVER WORKED, UNDER PAID. Ugh. Not to mention I am always tired. My sugar stays high regardless what I do because of all the stress I'm under. My PCP sees the stress so much that she told me she wanted me to quit smoking, we both know how bad it was for me, but because I was so stressed with school she couldn't even gripe at me too much. She understood. I quit anyway and it's been hell. ABSOLUTE HELL. But I'm doing it, with the patches and a 0 mg e-cig vape for those "I'm probably going to kill someone" moments. WORST. ADDICTION. EVER. Shit should be illegal. I quit for my eventual surgery, I knew I couldn't continue smoking even before the surgeon's office told me. Not only because it seems stupid to go under the knife to get a better life but still completely F up my lungs after, but because smoking increases gastric secretions which = bad bad bad for a new staple line. I do pat myself on the back every time I don't smoke, I am proud of myself for quitting. I'm afraid if the surgery doesn't get scheduled in the near future I'll start back. I'm really trying hard to not start back.
I just don't feel very good. Every day I feel like crap from all that I've got going on, I really wanted this surgery sooner rather than later, so I could possibly start feeling like the old me again. I hoped that getting rid of the diabetes and high cholesterol and high blood pressure would make me feel amazing and give me more energy. I so need that to do well with school. The only reason I even keep going to clinical besides the fact that I have to, is because I want to see the patients. I just wish I had more energy for those days.
Vacation to Myrtle Beach is coming up June 24th. Maybe I can fatten myself up with some yummy seafood, come back and get weighed and start the ball rolling again. Everyone gets fat on vacation right?!