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Let me just start by saying: I thought that I had some, even just a little control over my weight.

Now that I've let that out, I know everyone who is reading this is thinking, how the heck did she think her weight was under control if she has let herself gain this much weight.

And you're right.
I was in denial. And today felt like a bomb just dropped on me.

Last year this time, I weighed 265. I went to my general doctor and he weighed me. I thought DAMN, the last time I checked, I was only 230 something.
Well today, I went to Dr. Afram for the WLS consultationto and was weighed. I was so confident that I had just gained ten lbs.  In the past, I gain 10 or 30 lbs, but I was always climbing, never losing. For some crazy reason, I thought I knew how much weight I was putting on.
I figured, all I needed to lose was a 130lbs and I will be fine. I'm 265...possibly pushing 270, but what the hell, I needed to gain a little more control before it got way out of hand. 
When I stepped on the scale, I just knew there was something wrong with it. I knew there was NO WAY those numbers could have been correct.
 I weighed in at 304! 3 ZERO FREAKING 4! I couldn't believe it. I thought the scale was broken!
I never thought that I could be this heavy. Even after all my clothes no longer fit like they used to. And after all the pictures from last year, looked 50 pounds lighter. I didn't believe that I lost  so much control of my weight.
And honestly, I needed that. It was a wake up call that this surgery is not just for my own personal self esteem issues, it was for my health too.
I'm embarrassed. I am completely embarrassed because I thought that there was something wrong with everyone else telling me constantly, in this year alone, how I needed to loose weight. And they were right. It was me all along. I was the one that need to stop giving myself excuses. I was the one that needed to take responsibility for the way I looked and stop trying to pass it off as "this is just who I am." Because its not who I am. I am so much more than this. And this weight, this one hundred and 60lb person, needs to get off my back.

I just had to stretch out my new Rolling Stones T. When I brought it, I knew it a was too tight...it was about two sizes too small...and I ripped a hole into it. 

I really wanted this shirt. I didnt care if I had to step down on the back end of the shirt and pull up on the front to make this think fit. So I did. 

The hole is small, my hair can cover it, but damn... what a girl has to do to get a cool shirt to fit. 
Atleast I brought it at target 

I cant stop looking at these before and after pictures. Its driving me crazy because I'm thinking; maybe that will be me one day (hopefully soon).
I want to fast forward everything to Saturday for my talk with Dr. Afram.
It seems like most people who who have lost weight, seem to open up more to their real selves. I guess the doors do open up when your not wearing the mundane clothing big people are forced to wear. For some people, it seems like they melted off this costume and now they are able to be who they've always wanted to be.
I cant wait for that chance to move without an extra 145 lbs. I can't wait for that "week of" or "night before" picture to post on here. And for me to be what I've always imagined myself as. 

Okay,  I have made a slight change in plans. I'm going to do the RNY surgery. I wanted to do the lap-band surgery, but after looking at so many people on here with RNY, I began looking into it.

Another thing that has brought me to this conclusion is, the only doctor in DC that does the surgery has an admin that is never there. I've been calling and leaving messages, and no one has responded yet. Hmph. I want this surgery done as soon as possible!

Today I called the office of Dr. Afram in DC (he is the best for RNY in the area), I was curious to see the steps I would have to take for my insurance to get the WLS done. I spoke with a woman from a doctor's office,  and asked her the difference between the LB and the RNY. She said the Lap-band surgery doesn't work and the practice will be stopped soon. Is that true? Or was she just trying to get another patient in the office.

That made me reconsider my choice for WLS. But I'm a little scared of the surgery for RNY and the pain after it too. But, right now, I would take the pain over the weight.
I told my cousin, Christian, who is all about Lap-band, now is considering going to the orientation with me next Saturday for Dr. Afram.
I CAN'T wait. I just hope I get approved!!!

Okay. So I have a few plans for my "skinny self" 

One: I am totally getting a tattoo. OMG. I've always wanted one, but I think after getting down to my goal weight, it will be my reward
Two: Totally dying my hair. I was thinking of a sandy brown with dark roots. Or maybe and sunkist red or something.
Three: SHOPPING...Im going to get all my kick ass rocker chick crap off the sale racks. Yes...I will finally be able to find awesome clothes on the sale rack in my size.
FOUR: absolutely flaunt it. My husband and I have been saving for a big white wedding for 2010. My 10 year class reunion is coming up in June 2010. And my family cruise at the end of this year. I know I wont be my goal weight by December, but every pound lost is one more pound of confidence I will gain. 


I love this website
Cheers 

So, I'm a total dork, right. 
I'm into going to Renaissance festivals which also means I am into dressing up into Renaissance garb (clothing of the time period). This year, I'm trying to get into the Pirate (Pirateer) thing. When you dress in garb and make friends that have similar interest, it becomes a lifestyle. It becomes this "OMG, what am I going to wear for next years event" thing. Truth be told, there are events almost every month once Spring breaks loose. And I love it

This year, I'm feeling a little bothered by getting clothing. I have a total of six dresses, and they are pretty expensive dresses, which makes it harder to believe, that I cannot fit into them as nicely as I did last year. Well, not even last year. The year before that. I brought four garb dresses my first year to return for year 2 in new garb. By year 2, I am bulging out of them. I didn't even want to wear them for year 3.Yes, it is true, I have been on the boarder line the moment I put them on, but this is ridiculous. I don't even want to put them on anymore. 

So, I am shopping for new stuff. And my goodness, is it hard. I'm just looking for accessories to spruce up my old stuff. Maybe distract people from the seams looking as though they will burst. Maybe a new belt. A new bodice. 
Well, its pretty discouraging when everything in my size is priced ten to twenty dollars higher. Or they just don't have it in my size. The latter happens more frequently. 

After I got married, I believe, without a doubt, I've let myself gain at least ten LBs. Since I have known my hubby, I have gained at least 20. What the heck am I going to do when we start having kids!
It's ridiculous. 

To top it off, since last summer, people have been telling me I need to lose weight (all this time, I didnt think I was that big):

My mom...then again she's said that since I was a kid

My grandmother....again, she's said that since I was a kid

My mother in law....when I first met her, she told me, I should loose weight and told me, "You don't want to look like this for the rest of your life, do you."

This woman in a store....every time I saw this woman, she would comment on my weight. Once she asked me if I was 400lbs! She even said my weight was ridiculous and she would die if she ever got to my size.

My Aunt Joanne....she said that the only reason why my husband doesn't want me to loose weight is because he knows no one else will try to take me away.I have never wanted to push an old woman down the stairs until that day. 

Of course, I told my husband. I was hurt and I knew I could talk to him about it (Although, at first he didn't believe me when I told him what his mother said).  He supports me with my weight loss surgery plans because he knows how much it would mean for me to just stop feeling so bad about the way I look. 
I do wonder if he will actually be happy with me when I loose the weight. After all, he met me big and tells me all the time how much he loves my "curves" (I say rolls).

My cousin, Christian is 20 years old. She has the same issues with weight as I do. We both wear the same size, 22, but she has more curves to her shape, so she's been wearing a 20 which is way too tight on her body. Its almost uncomfortable to see her sit down. Actually, I think we are both in denial as to what size we actually wear. I always go up a size to make sure I have plenty of breathing room. Chris always goes down. 
Her doctor actually recommended her to get the weight loss surgery for her monthly cycle. I have the same issues,as well,  but its in reverse. See, she's on her period for months, me, I don't get mine for months. 

She is one of my best friends for life and one of the reasons why we are so close is because we are the only big girls in our family. And we know what its like to be looked at funny when we have a full plate of food. How hard it is to put down the fork, how humiliating it is to be the fat friend, and to know your not considered beautiful because of our weight. And we are so tired of buying a plain t-shirt instead of that super cool one in the smaller section.

So we are going under the knife together. I'm going to keep a positive head for the both of us, because I cant wait to see how our lives change. And I will try to remember not to let it change who we are.