Jessica H.

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Everyone has a different story as to why they are considering or why they have had weight loss surgery. This is mine. 

I suppose my first memories surrounding an unhealthy preoccupation with food came from my grandma and mother.  As far back as I can remember, my grandma has been on a diet.  The interesting thing about it is that I can't remember her ever really losing weight.  My mom, on the other hand, used to be a drug addict.  Once she became drug free, she developed a new addiction- food.    I can't remember her being thin, but I have pictures, and she used to be beautiful.  

My personal experience with these issues began around the time of puberty.  I started eating more, and the few extra pounds resulted in comments.  Kids can be cruel (and so can their parents), and it doesn't help when you are on a swim team and wearing a swimsuit daily as you start developing curves.  I became very insecure and awkward.  I remember a time in 6th grade when I was told by the popular girls that they didn't like me and didn't want me hanging around them.  I cried, and they apologized so I wouldn't tell the teacher.  That's about the time I started not doing as well in school.  I always got good grades, but they weren't as good as they could have been.  

High school began, and I stayed awkward, but had new friends.  I was still very self-conscious.  Sophomore year was when I started developing my own style, and gaining more confidence (though I'm not sure I was aware of it).  A turning point for me was the summer before junior year.  I remember eating a pint of ice cream at my friend Jen's house (cookie, and something in that feeling caused something within me to change.

The next day, I weighed myself.  I was 144 pounds.  Utterly horrified and disgusted, I started an extreme diet.  Mind you, I am 5'7".  A healthy weight for me is between 118 and 146.  I was still in that healthy weight range, but it didn't matter.  My brain only registered the distorted perception of myself. This diet lasted for about a month, but was all I needed.  I ate very minimally, and beat myself up if I ate more than what probably amounted to about 600 calories a day.  It's fun losing a pound everyday though.  It's rewarding to see the scale drop every time you weigh yourself.  I was also experimenting with diet pills at that time.  However, I was unable to take the ones with ephedra (it was still legal at the time) or excessive caffeine.  The one time I did, I thought I was going to die.  My heart felt like it would burst.  Not a good feeling.

After a month of this diet, before school started again, I was down to 121.5 pounds.  That's the thinnest I have ever been in my post-pubescent life.  I fit into sizes 2-4, and felt free, for once in my life, from this obsession of food and weight and self-hatred.  I kept the weight off for a year or so, but started gaining weight in the middle of senior year.  That probably is related to the fact that I wasn't swimming two hours daily anymore.  

College was fast approaching.  I had to lose weight before it started.  I kept pushing the diet off, and much to my chagrin, I didn't lose the weight (I was probably 140 pounds at the time).  I gained some weight, but remember ending freshman year having lost roughly 10 pounds without even realizing it.  Walking to the various buildings on campus for classes proved to be effective exercise.

Sophomore year of college started, and a very difficult part of my life began.  My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me, and I was devastated.  Without realizing it, I lost weight because of the pain of the heartbreak.  This was the only time in my entire life that I couldn’t eat.  It is even more astounding because I am an emotional eater.  I must have been too emotional to overeat.  I was down to 130 again.  That was probably the last time I successfully lost weight.  After a few months, since I was thin in my mind, I figured I could drink regular pop.  Who cares about the calories?!  I don't remember what my eating habits were like.  Not sure when I gained weight, but it creeped up to about 165 or so.  I wore a size 12 and stayed that weight for two years (feeling self conscious and fat the entire time) until summer/fall of 2009.  That's when everything changed again.

I haven't yet mentioned this, but I have been previously diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder.  It is basically a persistent, low-grade depression.  I've had it for years.  However, in the summer/fall of 2009, I developed Major Depressive Disorder, which lasted about 6 months.  In those 6 months, I gained 80 pounds, isolated myself from my friends, and had no energy to do anything.  My friends were worried about me, but I couldn't really feel anything.  Or maybe I felt too much, not sure.  I ate everything I could.  All my previous bad/obsessive actions involving food were magnified.  I would lie about food (“no, I didn’t eat dinner yet”), eat constantly, had no control, etc.  It's amazing and sickening how much weight I gained so quickly.  

Well, here I am now.  I believe that the major depression is over, and am working on getting my life put back together.  I weigh 282, and have been around this weight for over a year.  I am no longer gaining weight, but I'm not losing either.  

What happened to my "spark” - That energy within me that drove me to want more out of life? I feel like I have been in a fog for the past few years.

I consider myself a creative person, an artist at times... But when was the last time I did anything artistic? I barely put an effort into my appearance anymore. I've accomplished a few things in life I should be proud of. Getting a college degree, having my own apartment, my career... But it doesn't seem "enough." There is a part of my brain that has to belittle every accomplishment until it has lost its shine. Me: "I have my bachelor's degree!”... My subconscious: "but you're not utilizing it, you should have gotten better grades, you picked the wrong major..." and so forth.

What I want to do is figure out how to shut that negative asshole inside my head up. Or at least, turn the volume down. I want to find my purpose, my happiness, my contentment. I don't want to live my life with anger, aggression, and anxiety. Too many times I've come close to losing it at an inappropriate moment for an inappropriate reason. Too many times I've actually caused a scene/fight over something unimportant. I need to learn how to stop living in a place of reaction, and start living from a place of peace.

Meryl Davids Landau summed it up pretty well, "stuff that used to be fun grates me like nails on a chalkboard. I can't seem to gin up a passion about anything." That is a feeling I know all too well, and it goes hand in hand with depression. Sure, I am clinically depressed. But - I'm much better than I was in the past. I function. I survive. But now I need to learn how to get my groove back. Get my sparkle back. And not just survive... But THRIVE.

If anyone has paid attention to my Facebook in the past few years, they will notice how rarely I've been uploading photos of myself - at least compared to when I was thinner. 

I always try to pick the pictures where I think I look good. I photoshop (mostly cropping out my "problem areas") to find the most flattering poses of my less photogenic self. 

But, let's be honest; no matter what I can't hide the fact I've gained a significant amount of weight since high school. 

I still cannot quite believe I am morbidly obese. My BMI is around 44, and I have a plethora of health problems, including:
Severe obstructive sleep apnea
PCOS
Pre diabetes
High cholesterol

These are not really because of being overweight:
Anxiety
Depression
Asthma
Allergies

Some other inconveniences related to my weight are:
Stretch marks
Hard to bend down
Always hot
Don't dress up/do makeup
No interest in dating
Lack of energy

As I’ve started telling people about my surgery plans, one of the first things that people ask me is “Wait, have you tried _____ diet/supplement/shake?” People who have never been severely obese tend to think I should have the self control to lose weight without the help.

Honestly, I’m DONE “trying” things. I've tried Weight Watchers, South Beach diet, calorie counting, fat gram counting, high personal training, Overeaters Anonymous,  and the PSMF physician-assisted weight loss plan.  

Hi There!  I'm Jessica.  I'm a 27 year old college Grad, who majored in Marketing and minored in Art History.  I love watching movies, reading, playing board games, hanging out with friends, cooking, baking, shopping, etc. I'm a big music lover. I listen to just about everything. I love discussing philosophy. I consider myself to be artistic and creative.

I have a good life.  At least on paper. 

The thing is, I have been battling depressing for the majority of my adult life.  I have had a lot of ups and downs as a result.  I believe I have my depression under control.  I take medication and don't feel overwhelmed by it anymore. 

While I feel like I am past that dark place, I have some pretty big scars.  They are preventing me from really living fully.  The scars are metaphorical but they did kind of manifest physically.  When I went through the worst of my depression I gained about 80 pounds in 6 months.  I have since slowly gained more and more weight, and currently weigh roughly twice what I weighed when graduating high school. 

Don't get me wrong, I've tried a lot of things to lose weight.  I've done weight watchers, diet pills, patches you put on your arm to stop cravings, Over Eaters Anonymous, and joined gyms I never attended.  Weight Watchers worked the best out of the things I've tried, but I never got much success because I am an emotional/compulsive eater.  I think weight watchers is a great program for people who are able to follow a diet. The problem I would have is that when I over-ate, I stopped tracking my points.  I didn't want to admit that I failed.  And when I messed up my points at lunch, I would give up for the rest of the day.  And I would cycle through this for months.  Diet pills didn't work, or made me feel I had an excuse to eat more than I would otherwise.  Diet patches were a joke.  And finally, the gym is still a great choice but I would never go and then feel guilty about it.  

So what now?

I really don't think I can do this on my own.  I am looking into my options, and really think that weight loss surgery might be my best option.  Obviously it's extremely terrifying and I never thought that I would get to that point.  But - here I am, completely out of control, and don't have very many options. 

This blog is going to be a very personal journey mostly addressing my weight issues and how I'm going to take charge of my life again. 

xJ

 

I have used food to reward, console, medicate, punish, and numb myself.  Food is what I use to take my mind off situations in my life I don't have the emotional capacity to handle.  It softens the blow of life's little disappointments.  Another thing I use food for is to blanket my fears.  I'm so afraid to go after some of my dreams so I play it safe. Instead of dealing with a bad relationship I ate "because I deserved it."  I drowned my thoughts of disappointment with food.  Mostly disappointment in myself.   I am disappointed I let my finances get out of control, that I let myself gain so much weight, that I'm not a more charismatic person, that I'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life.  So much negativity is swimming around in my head that I use food as a distraction.  And it inadvertently makes my life MORE difficult.  That is the greatest irony.  The more I fall off track with healthy eating habits, the more I feel like a failure, and then the more I need food as a crutch.