Shannon T.

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I've gained 30 lbs back. I had lost 109 lbs. Now I've only lost 80.

I'd rather die than weigh what I did. I almost DID die after the surgery. I went through SO much to be gaining it back.

I don't even know how Mike can look at me. Damned hanging belly. - Both of them. Fat legs, fat arms, fat stomach(s), huge boobs, fat back, fat butt.

I was so proud of my weight loss. I was so excited with every loss. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I'm not under any undue stress... except for the weight gain. THAT is stressing me out.

I know better than to eat the crap. I say that while I'm eating it too. I thnk about food all day. I eat CONSTANTLY. If im not eating, I'm wanting to be eating. I even wake up during the night and eat. While I'm awake, I'm eating.

Maybe I can get my jaw wired shut. But then I'd just gain it all back when I started eating again. But maybe by then my tummy pouch would shrink back down to nothing??

feeling desperate and miserable.

Christmas was nice. Feeling a little sorry for myself that I didn't get "more" considering I spent a lot of money on those around me... but that's the purely selfish part of me talking. The things I did get I will treasure. Charlotte bought me a WONDERFUL fleece blanket that I don't want to put down long enough to go to work. Mike got me a bread maker, a popcorn popper and a DVD. My mom got me a popcorn popper, two tray tables, a cookie jar, two bath soap sets, some shower gel, and some fake turtlenecks (dickies). My sister sent me an electronic organizer,.. good timing because I found my old one and Heather had carved her name into the cover, and converted all the addresses to say "poop" or "poopie head"... all through it. Oh, and my sister sent me some jewelry too. ait's a very pretty set, earings, bracelet, and necklace from Cookie Lee. I like them, but haven't worn it yet. I got some shoes and a black turtle neck when I exchanged the extra popcorn popper!

I missed Johan very much for Christmas. Its the first holiday in 5+ years that we hadn't spent it together... though last year we were both pretty much focused on our new partners... This is the first year totally without him, and I felt his absence. Just the whole Johan-ness of the season. LOL. Miranda called today and told me about their Christmas, and I felt a lot better. It is really nice that they are happy, and despite the chaos in their home because of company, it sounds like they had a good Christmas.

New Year will be spent in Two Rivers with Mike's family. December 31st is the 1 year anniversary of his dad's death. It's going to be a very rough weekend on him, his sister and his grandmother. His mom too I imagine, if only because she loves them so much and will hate to see them so broken. We plan to get a balloon and tie a rememerance on it and send it up. Its a nice idea, and I wish I'd have thought of it for remembering my step dad who died... or my friend Jerry, or my sister Wendy... all in all, its just a cool idea, and I hope it goes well.

Something is going on with the "Mom" thing... As you know if you're following along, Charlotte calls me Mom. Heather calls me Shannon. This is cool with me. But lately, when Charlotte calls me Mom, Heather is doing or saying something that makes Charlotte say "Ooops, I mean Shannon, um, Mom, um Shannon." and she gets all flustered. I just says "what honey"... I told Heather if they can call Charlie Dad, then they can call me Mom. I told them that it's okay with me, and their mom if they call Theresa "Aunt" not being their Aunt... As long as they know who is their real mom, and who is their real Aunt... and as long as they don't call every adult in our lives Aunt and Uncle... if inappropriate... it seems to be a case by case judgment call. I hate to see the confusion on Charlotte's face over this. I want her to call me whatever she feels comfortable and happy calling me... and not to feel like she's being threatened or dissapointing Heather or the other part of her family in some way. Things are confusing enough for her without adding to the mix.

My mom got them really nice gifts, I hope that means mom is adjusting to my life. lol.

Still looking for other work/other apartment... MUST get my bird out of mom's garage. It's bitter cold out there, with just one floor space heater, no insulation, and when I went out there none of the birds had food or water. She has lost a LOT of birds due to this same situation, and I don't want my bird getting dead over it.

I'm not sleeping well. I'm getting tired by 9pm, and wide awake by 3:30-4:00... and not tired again for an hour or so, then force myself back to bed/sleep by 5:00 so I can attempt to get up again by 6:30... I have to leave by 7:30, but since I did a wierd sleep pattern, I have a really hard time even getting up by 7:30, and making it to work by 8:00... so I left a message for my doc today to see if its a medication thing.

Charlottes ADD meds haven't done anything for her. We have noticed a HUGE decrease in her lying, but I don't attribute that to her medications at all. I'll have the doctor ween her off of them, better to not be medicated if they're not doing the trick. Will talk to her teacher and get a recommendation there, and to her doctor... but most likely will just chalk it up to a failed attempt. I haven't noticed anything at home to idicate that the meds have helped her with her focus or her attention span.

On another note, we're always broke it seems, but when I get paid, I feel like I'm on top of the world. We get soda and stock the cupboards, and get the little things that we've been waiting for for two weeks... (Thanks for the Toilet Paper Brian!)... AND anyway... when people ask if they can borrow money, I'm right there whipping out the $20 bills... There are four people I've done this with... two for $20, one for $100 from over a year ago, and one from well over two years ago for $300 something. Plus there's the people who lived with me and Johan who owe us a butt-ton yet, but they won't answer calls or letters. We owe Mike's Grandmother over $200, and my mom $400... from us borrowing when WE'RE broke... Our roommate didn't pay us last week. It's the first time since he moved in that he didn't pay us on our rent payday of his.... He had car repairs that he did instead, and he had a short check... I had to borrow from the petty-cash drawer at work to get gas in the car. I hate doing that. I feel guilty to the bone, even though I intend to pay it back tomorrow.

I'm still addicted to Puzzle Pirates, and if I cold afford it, I'd buy a membership to get all the priviliges of being a member. It's fun, but I think I've strained my thumb.

Must do SOMETHING about my health/fittness level. Considering joining the gym to tone up and get down to my goal still. I've gained 13lbs back since my lowest weight after the surgery. I feel positively ENORMOUS these days, my belly hangs down over my belly button, and the other part of my tummy hangs down mid-thigh. It's embarassing, and I hate it. And it's not all loose skin after sugery, I DEFINITELY have it filled out again, and it gets ugiler every day. I don't know if I have the willpower or the money to do this, but I don't smoke, or drink... so I can pretend I do... and then use the money that I'm not using on those things, and spend it at the gym! :) Good idea hey?

Time to leave work. Have been typing for a long time and despite my sugar level playing games with me, I'm feeling a bit better having just typed my face off to whoever is reading this. Do you sensor things because of one or two people who read your blog? There is stuff I don't write about my former or current sexual situations because of Tammy, and because of Miranda. They're both with the subjects of the topic... so they probably know the things I've got to say... and the rest of you just don't need to know me QUITE that well I guess... or... maybe I'm just shy. or a prude, or a cold fish or ???

Comments are appreciated. Have a great night.