WiseTears
The Journey: Self Discovery and the Beginning of the Beginning
Aug 20, 2010
In January (2010), I went for a 4 hour evaluation at the University of Chicago to have lap-band surgery. Right off the bat, my doctor recommended I have RNY! Can you say, HELL NO, NO WAY!? I didn’t want to and was really afraid of having a drastic surgery. However, a UofC nurse practitioner in the bariatric center spoke with me the next day and explained at most I was going to lose 75lbs with lap-band and I needed to lose double that. Dang, there goes my chance at a real quick recovery. Hell, I wanted to pretend like I never had the surgery. Just show up at work 4 days later and BAM! – the weight just melts away like hot vanilla ice cream. The NP told me to sit on it, think about it for a few days and give her a call back with my decision but it was best to not have lap-band. After much research, I had to adjust my “skinny vision” and seriously think about what was the best way to lose the weight and keep it off. I came to the conclusion that a RNY was the right decision and my recovery wouldn’t last as long as I had original thought.At my evaluation, I also saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression and binge eating disorder. I was shocked but relieved! For awhile, I felt worthless, sad and even suicidal but was in denial about it. But at this moment, I was ready to move forward and defeat these monsters!!! Later after leaving UofC, I told one of my close friends about my visit and she was shocked but said that it definitely brought us closer - she never knew this side of me and I was just tired of hiding and playing charades and isolating myself. I wanted to stop hating myself secretly which was manifesting itself physically through massive weight gains each year. I wanted to quit binging on boxes of pizza, McDonald’s, Jamaican food and 12 cans of soda a day. I wanted to stop abusing laxatives in preparation for another relentless failed diet attempt. Laxatives made me eerily sick but you couldn’t convince a fat girl that being fat for the rest of her life was inevitable. I was willing to try anything even if it meant lying on the bathroom in excruciating pain or vomiting my entire stomach contents into the toilet because I had taking too many laxatives. There were times where I couldn’t stop convulsing and death was near. But most of all, I wanted to stop contemplating suicide. Most of my friends and family, if not all assumed I was a resilient and hard working person. Deep down inside, I felt like fraud as I wasn’t living up to my potential and I had let my addiction of food consume my conscious. In my heart, I felt suicide would relieve me of this addiction and I would never have to worry again. There were all types of plans but I never wanted to hang myself like my PaPa did back in 2002, jump off a bridge or put a gun to my temple. I thought swallowing as many pills would be less painful and this suicide-preferred method would allow me to sleep peacefully and look amazingly beautiful in my casket. WOW! Looking back, it’s crazy how I rationalized my own suicide. Now, I am happy to say that I survived through these feelings of hopelessness.
Next, I needed to find a therapist for treatment because UofC required that I seek 3 months of treatment before they could perform my surgery. I was a little apprehensive because for the past 13 years, I have felt intense pain, sorrow and defeat because of my weight and I wasn’t too sure if I was willing to open up. Never mind the fact that I hadn’t met my deductible for the year 2010 and would have to pay out of pocket for these services. I don’t make a lot of money of as receptionist/administrative assistant but luckily my employer contributes to my Health Savings Account. Currently, I have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis. She has has helped me to recognize my feelings, inner beauty, strengths and weaknesses while being a non-judgmental professional. In fact, my first session with my therapist felt like I had cried out the Atlantic Ocean through my tear ducks. Within 20 minutes into session, she recommended I see a psychiatrist for medication. Can you say Prozac!? Initially, not wanting to go this route but my therapist informed me that it would help the healing process. She was right! The effects of the medicine calmed me down and boosted my serotonin just enough for me to begin to function like a “normal, happy human being”.
Moving forward....I went to my PCP to start the 3-month diet back in March and only lost 6 pounds. BCBSil denied my surgery in June because there wasn't enough documentation of a 3-month non-surgical diet. Of course, I think my PCP sabotaged me so I had to fired her a**!! Word to the wise -- if you have to fight with your PCP about investing hundreds of dollars into a failed diet plan, it would be best to fire them in a Donald Trump fashion! And to top it off, this fool wouldn't see me because I was 20 minutes late for one of my appointments. She didn’t want to hear the fact that each time I went to her office, I've had to wait 2 hours before someone takes my blood pressure and I'm usually the last person in her office shutting off the lights as we walk out the door together. And, never mind the fact that on this day, the movie Transformers 3 was filming in front of my office building, so I had to walk 5 blocks to the nearest bus stop. She really pissed me off and I left that day feeling defeated and wanting to give up. BUT, I didn't give up that easy. I jogged my memory and remembered I wanted to have lap-band surgery three years prior and I had a different PCP at the time who was supportive. Dr. Benitez, I LOVE YOU!!!.
Anyways, the next day after my ex-PCP didn’t want to see me for my weight check-in, I called Dr. Benitez and got an appointment 2 days later. I needed to see her quick because the end of the July was quickly approaching and I wanted to start my 3-month diet again for the third and final time. She recommended me to a downtown weight loss nutrition clinic run by a MD. I wasn’t too sure about this because I really wanted Dr. Benitez to record and recommend my diet but I was willing to follow her advice. After seeing Dr. Benitez, I made a quick appointment at the nutrition clinic and started another diet – I hate that word. So far so good! I have been on weight loss appetite suppressants for the past month and have lost 7lbs. YEAHHHH!!!! GROOVEY BABY!!!
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About Me
Chicago, IL
Location
31.6
BMI
Surgery
02/14/2011
Surgery Date
Jul 09, 2010
Member Since
