Question:
6.5 Weeks Post Op, Boyfriend Told His Family and I'm Angry
First of all I am not embarassed about my WLS (LAP RNY 6.5 Weeks) but I made the decision that there were some people I did not want to share with, and my body my decision. So My boyfriend that I told SPECIFICALLY not to tell his Mother just fesses up that he told her about a week post-op. She is not a bad lady, just very "perfect" and opinionated about my relationship with her son... (not to mention my bf and his family are very slender people.) I am SOOOO ANGRY at him because: #1. I trusted him, #2. She asked me about the type of surgery I had about two weeks ago and I fibbed and said gallbladder (I actually did that three years ago) and she knows I lied through my teeth. and #3. It's not like he ever talks to his Mother about ANYTHING, so me made an out of the ordinary call to her to tell her! Has anyone been caught like this?... I don't want to give her the benefit of coming clean, and now my boyfriend told her we'd come over to dinner today (they live about 2 hours away). I'm down 50 lbs and I do NOT want to see her, but if I don't go she'll know something is up too!!!! Any suggestions? Anyone been through this? --LOL thanks for the vent! — Leah S. (posted on March 30, 2003)
March 30, 2003
Hello Leah, I know you are upset with your boyfriend and you have a right
to be! You need to find out why he broke your trust and told his Mom. Now
for her, I would tell her that you did not plan on making it public
knowledge until you reached say two months when you were
comfortable/adjusted to your new lifestyle. Not a big deal there. You are
entitled to your privacy without getting the third degree. For me, I tell
people now when they ask how I have lost 50 pounds... What can they say? I
look, feel, act better! The most popular question people ask me, "Did
it hurt?". Best of luck to you! :-)
— Pizofret
March 30, 2003
Hi Leah, I agree with the previous poster that it is your decision but,
maybe, just maybe your boyfriend may have been worried about you and needed
someone else to confide in to talk to. Did your boyfriend say what his
mothers reaction was maybe she will be more conpassionate than you think. I
wish you all the luck and along with your weight, this too shall pass.
— Barbara S.
March 30, 2003
From what you said it sounds like the mom probably been putting a lot of
pressure on your Boyfriend to find a more "suitable girlfriend"
e.g., one that's not so fat. She's probably been puting this pressure on
him from the first time she met you and how he would be better off with
someone who was thin since fat people have or develop all sorts of diseases
like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks, etc... She was probably
nagging him and in your defense told her how you delt with your weight -
surgery. You don't know if he really made the call to his mother out of
the blue. It's very likely she called him and started her fat bashing.
Just my speculations... don't be to harsh on your boyfriend until you get
the actual facts of why he told mom.
<p>Take Care, Be Well, Be Happy!
— John T.
March 30, 2003
WOW, First I could never lie to my mom, she died years ago but I learned to
fess up with the truth, she could tell by my voice, or just looking at me.
So she asked and he came clean. Whenever she saw you she would know that
either you had WLS or were dying of AIDS cancer or similiar problem. NO ONE
OTHER THAN THIS LOOSES WEIGHT THAT FAST AND KEEPS IT OFF! Sorry theres NO
hiding a 50 pound loss. Besides if anyone else knows everyoine will
eventually. WLS is NOTHING to be ashamed of! Be proud you took action to
get healthy and probably save your life!
— bob-haller
March 30, 2003
Interesting that the 2 male posters thought your boyfriend's behavior was
OK! Just an observation.
You have every right to be angry.
— Angie M.
March 30, 2003
I have to agree with the other posters who said to get all the facts first.
Also, if you tell his mother the truth and that you were sorry for not
telling her right off it gives her a little bit of insight about you and
your integrety. Be honest about why you did not want to make this public,
and let her know that sharing it with her is in confidence. She may not be
as bad as you think - it may be just that she doesn't know you well enough.
If it turns out badly - then at least you can't be hurt more as you would
be by being secretive about it.
— MaryCinFL
March 30, 2003
I am 5 months post op, and I let EVERYBODY know what I was doing up front,
including my employer, my family, my friends. I have received wonderful
support from day one from them all.
— GPoynor
March 30, 2003
I understand your feelings completely. This has nothing to do with being
either shameful or proud of having pursued WLS. This is an issue of trust,
plain and simple. Some people choose to shout it from the rooftops while
others prefer to be more selective about who they tell. The main theme
here is PERSONAL CHOICE. As other posters have suggested, I would get the
facts from my boyfriend and if/when it comes up with his mother, I would
just be very candid about the fact that you felt more comfortable keeping
the surgery confidential. I would think that any reasonable person would
understand this explanation.
— Leni M.
March 30, 2003
Thumbs up to Bob and John...I totally agree with you both!
— Kimberley E.
March 30, 2003
Whoa! Been there, done that. My ex-husband always disregared my wishes
and told people things I specifically asked him not to (once, even after a
marriage counselor made him repeat my wishes to keep something private, he
went and blabbed anyway). Your boyfriend had no right to say anything. Even
if he was being pressured by his Mom, or didn't want to lie, he's an adult
and should have told her "Mom...this is Leah's business and it's not
my place to discuss it". If he was concerned, and felt the need to
discuss it with someone, that's what dogs and bartenders are for. You need
to tell your boyfriend how you feel. Hopefully, he'll understand, and not
do this again in the future (everyone deserves one free pass). As for his
mother, you could choose to either just ignore the fact she knows (if you
feel uncomfortable discussing this with her since it really isn't any of
her business), or simply take her aside and tell her that your surgery is a
private matter that you have chosen not to disclose or discuss, that her
son was wrong to say anything, and you would appreciate it if she would
keep this information to herself.
— Cyndie K.
March 30, 2003
I wish people who answer posts like this would understand that it is not an
issue about who to tell and who not to. It is a matter of trust. You
trusted your boyfriend and he broke that trust. For the men who don't see
this as a big deal, think of it this way. If you were having a sexual
problem, would you want your significant other talking about it anyone?
I'll bet not. We all have the right to our own privacy and if the people
closest to us violate that right, that is the issue.
— garw
March 30, 2003
1. Has he done this before
2. Are you looking for a long term relationship, mariage.
3. Is this worth the stress.
— faybay
March 30, 2003
</P><P ALIGN="left">1: lying will ALWAYS come back to
bite you in the butt. one of the most important lessons a person can is
learn is that you do NOT have to answer every question put to you. when his
mother (or anyone else you did not care to tell) asked what kind of surgery
you had, all you needed to say was "i don't want to talk about it.
thanks for understanding." put those two sentences in your vocabulary
and you'll save yourself a lot of grief in life.
</P><P ALIGN="left"> 2: only you can decide whether
this incident is worth ending the relationship over. you seem pretty angry
-- can you get past this?
— Kasey
March 30, 2003
As a lot of you know, I am on the side of openness regarding WLS. However,
as someone else pointed out, this is not that type of matter. This is a
betrayal of trust. Leah specifically asked her boyfriend not to tell his
mother and he went and told his mother. Whether it was in the act of
defending Leah or not, it doesn't matter.
<p>
Leah, go today to the dinner and do what you can to smooth things over with
your b/f's mom now that she knows the truth. Then sit down with your
boyfriend *after* tonight and lay it on the line to him. Tell him that
it is *your* choice to tell people or not about this surgery and that you
had trusted him with this sensitive information and asked him not to tell
his mother and he went and blabbed it. Tell him that's mistake #1.
Mistake #2 and he's going to be looking for a new girlfriend. Ask him why
he felt that it was necessary to tell his mother - maybe he's got some
fears about this surgery that he couldn't talk to you about and needed
someone to talk to. That's still not an excuse, but at least you'd know
where he's coming from. Use this mistake as an opportunity to work on
your relationship and make it stronger...JR
— John Rushton
March 30, 2003
The damage is done now and you'll have to find a way to move on from this
with your boyfriend either by learning to trust him again or realizing he
cannot be trusted with important secrets such as these. If he is bascially
trustworthy but screwed up this once, then there's hope for him and in time
you'll probably learn to trust him again. If he has never been very
trustworthy about keeping personal information to himself, than you will
have to deal with that by deciding what he needs to know in the future.
<p>
About his mother... She may know someone who is obese or has other
relatives that are obese and will hopefully be totally supportive of you
taking control of your life. If she's basically clueless about the whole
WLS process, go to dinner and knock her socks off! Once she sees how you
eat now, she'll be so impressed! Go to dinner with your head held high.
What you've done takes courage and hard work and you should be proud.
Have a good time!! (Oh btw, don't be surprised if she's full of questions
about your WLS. No doubt she knows someone else who's looking into
it.)<br>
Lap-RNY 1/13/03 -83lbs & Counting!
— thumpiez
March 30, 2003
I would go to the dinner and just not discuss WLS with his mother. If she
asks, you can say, "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to discuss such a
personal matter". Hold your head up high and just be as pleasant and
gracious as possible to his family. As for your boyfriend, you don't say
whether he has betrayed your trust before, or is this a first time? You
also don't say why your boyfriend told her. I assume you asked him? If he
is truly sorry and this was the first time he did so, I would just make
clear to him that from this point forward, who you tell about your surgery
is your businessm, and right to tell or not tell, and not his. If he has
betrayed your trust before, then you are the one at fault, for sticking
with a boyfriend who is not mature enough to care about anyone but
himself-he certainly does not respect you. He won't change.
— Cindy R.
March 30, 2003
May I suggest that you pick your fights? Is he generally there for you?
Do you believe he was holding you up to ridicule? The truth easily outs
with this surgery. Not many can lose 50 lbs in 6 weeks otherwisd. Yes, he
has violated something that you felt was only for you to share. Again, I
would try to consider the fact that he has been your support person through
sickness and now, in health.
— michelle R.
March 30, 2003
To look at all sides no he shouldn't have told but maybe he did so because
he is proud of, or happy for you. Maybe he should also tell his mother to
butt out. Also if you are in a serious relationship ie. marriage in the
future, what you do does affect him. Just my two cents and thats about
what it's worth.
— bubba
March 30, 2003
Ok. I didn't read all the other posts so this may be in what someone else
said but here's what I would say (without letting the boyfriend know
first). Hello Mrs. so and so, I'm so glad to see you. Now. Let me get a
couple things straight. It is my understanding that your son told you the
type of surgery I had. (pause to hear what she says -- at this point --
the guilty party(boyfriend) will probably interrupt with excuses to which
you can quietly let him speak by looking at him, then turn back to his mom
and repeat the question. She'll probably say yes and maybe a few other
things (she's probably feeling guilty too so she might make some excuses
but if she's good and I bet she is, she'll probably try to turn it around
on you and ask you why you lied to which you can continue to control the
conversation by continuing to say what you have to say). Anyway, after all
come clean you can say "ok, well, it was never my intention to explain
this very personal decision to anyone until I was ready nor do I intend to
offer any explanations today. I just wanted to clear the air so it doesn't
feel as if anyone is trying to be deceitful." Technically, Mom
started the lie by being manipulative to see if you were going to lie to
her. So she has nothing to be mad about. Boyfriend has a big mouth -- he
can be forgiven (make him work for this though -- this was a no no). Mom,
on the other hand, is an adult, perfectly capable of coming out and saying
"son told me you had surgery and I'm wondering why you didn't tell
me". That's called a woman to woman talk and that's the way she
should've approached you had she known...perhaps she thought you had an
abortion or something that would cause her to be even more judgemental.
Either way, make sure you walk through the door confidently, knowing that
you don't need to explain anything to anyone. That you need to hear the
true story with all parties in the same room so you don't accuse him or her
of something incorrect and end up looking like the fool. And that everyone
is aware that you are not going to continue the conversation until you are
fully comfortable talking about it. And you can say "ok, well I
appreciate your honesty and to be quite honest with the both of you, this
is still a very personal matter to me, it is very new and I'd appreciate it
if neither of you bring the subject up to me until I feel comfortable
talking about it. I will be sure to let you know when and if that happens.
Now what's for dinner? I won't be able to eat much but something sure
smells good!" Then go to the bathroom, wash your hands, and sit down
at the table with your head held high. REFUSE to get into a cat and mouse
manipulation game. She who holds her tongue is the one that controls the
situation. They can ask and talk and stare all they want (if there are
other guests there, assume that mom has already told them -- if you feel
uncomfortable saying this in front of them, pull mom and boyfriend to the
side to say this). As uncomfortable as it may be for you, hold your head
high, compliment them on the food and ask for some to go, and continue to
be polite. As hard as this is to understand...don't take any of this
personally. Yes, I said it. Him telling his mom about you is more about
his issue (be it not being able to lie to his mom, slipping and telling by
accident, being a big gossip etc.) than it is about deliberately hurting
you. His mom blatantly manipulating you into lying to her is more about
her own insecurities (why am I not close enough to my son's girlfriend for
her to tell me the truth, what's wrong with me, am I too much of a b---ch
et.) than it is about you personally. I read about this(not taking things
personally) in a book called "The Four Agreements" and it has
literally helped me not to be so sensitive all the time by what people say.
I am learning not to take it personally and realize it is much more about
them than it is me. So print this out and keep it in your purse, take it
to the bathroom with you if you need to read it for strength and you will
be fine! Good luck and God Bless!
— Kimberly L.
March 30, 2003
i had the same thing done to me by my husband. the boyfriend was flat out
wrong. no matter why he told her. he could have been worried for you and
needed someone who he trusted to tell, but he was still VERY WRONG. ohhhhh
and the mother...she sounds like my mother-in-law. you don't owe her any
answer at all.she knew that you didn't want to tell her what kind of
surgery you had, but she still asked you after she already knew what kind
you had. so you don't feel like you need to say sorry to her ;) one good
thing about this is that you don't have to worry about coming up with
excuses why you can't eat this and that. but if it were me....i would still
go....and NEVER tell her that you had wls. she already knows...so what is
the point.if you tell her she will feel like she has the goods on you. by
NOT telling out of your own mouth, you are quietly saying "it is none
of your bussiness". that way you don't have to explain or answer any
of her questions. just because she is your boyfriend's mother, doesn't mean
YOU have to answer to her in anyway shape or form. i don't know how old you
are, but i was 17 when i started dating my husband(30now) and i gave my
mother-in-law too much power and say-so...Now i decide what she needs to
know and what not. good luck!
— franbvan
March 30, 2003
Okay the update... The bf claims his Mother "drug" it out of
him... and although I believe in free will... I really think this could've
been the case. He knows that the surgery was hard for me (pre-during-and
post) but to him it was something I did to make myself feel better and its
no real big deal... and although from time to time he says something
stupid, I do love him and can forgive an occasional lack of thought on his
part.
Sooo... I went to dinner with my new haircut and looking all fine and down
50 lbs, I smiled and joked and behaved (lol to the best of MY ablility)
like a lady. Now it was my bf's time to sweat it out... he was waiting for
me to "go postal". And all I said when they asked me about why I
ate so little, was "I'm not that hungry." with a look on my face
that said "Go ahead, say something!" LOL I didn't act like a
brat AND I felt vindicated... so life is just fine. And although I like a
good catfight now and then, I am 100% above her petty attitude... and she
can gossip all she wants because I am one hot mamma, and her son is one
lucky man. =)
— Leah S.
March 30, 2003
At the time of my surgery, my husband told his boss and some of his
co-workers what surgery I was having. He was working construction at the
time, and they were the stereotypical macho lump-heads. I was mortified
that he shared my personal information with this group of guys I had met
once in my life. And I let him have it. He told me, with tears in his
eyes, that the only reasons he had spoken about it to them was because he
was scared about me having such a *dangerous/life altering* surgery, and
because he was so proud of me for taking this step to take back my life.
Well, I calmed down after that. No, I was still ticked off that he told
his co-workers and his boss, but at the same time, he was working away from
home and had no one else to talk to at that point. He was traveling out of
state every week for work...he felt the need...I forgave him for
it.<P>
My point is, talk with the mother, and tell her that you were not
comfortable with sharing this surgery with anyone--at least until you were
past the *complication* stage and the *I told you it wouldn't work* stage.
Make it seem like it wasn't *against* her that she wasn't told...but that
not many people were told at all...you felt it was still a very personal
decision, like birth control *giggle*(that'll turn her face red) And just
tell her you want to get past this point and move forward in your life and
your relationship with her. Take care and Have a Sparkling Journey!! ~CAE~
— Mustang
March 30, 2003
OMG - I thought I was the only one - my husband told his mom without my
consent about the surgery and I had not been totally honest with her - when
she asked me was everything ok and why was I having surgery I simply
replied - I have gallstones and need to have my gallbladder out. She was
waiting on me to go into the WLS and I never did - later that night I found
out from my husband that my mother-in-law had told him about our
conversation and he questioned why I lied. Then he confessed that he told
her and I was mortified. First of all - his whole family hates me - all
they do is gossip about me in the first place and now he has given them
ammunition to shoot me with. My surgery is within 2 days 4/2/03 and I have
to put up with the stress from his mom being here pre-op and now knowing my
little secret. Things have been tense around the house. His response to
why he did it was that he did not feel comfortable lying to his mom - but
who said he had to lie - he could have deferred the question or sent her to
me - whatever - it doesn't matter anymore because she is fat too and
probably envious that I have done something about it. I mean is it extreme
to get braces if you have jacked up teeth, or to have laser eye surgery to
correct your vision - NO! Absolutely not! I mean lets be real here. So to
answer your question your bf was wrong - it is your decision and your
business to share - but now that she knows - just show her what you're
worth - show her what's really going on and how this is a good decision not
a bad one. Godspeed - on your recovery!
— Tia B.
March 30, 2003
Sweetie, I understand your frustration in this issue, but look at is as an
opportunity to have a breakthrough with this woman...she's probably
concerned about your health and wishing you well in this journey. Talk
about it openly with her and the whole family, answer their questions and
don't fear their judgements. I'll bet it provides an opportunity to become
closer to them...Good luck! (But do inform your bf that you expect
discression when you explicitly request it!)
— rebeccamayhew
March 30, 2003
You have every right to be angry about what your boyfriend has done. Do not
feel guilty about feeling angry, because first off your trust was broken. I
understand fully how you feel. He should not have told her and then had the
nerve to say yes to an invitation for dinner. Maybe you should reevaluate
your relationship with your boyfriend and set down with him and let him
know how you really feel, without incident of course. And let him know that
if you two agree on something, then that is what you two should stick to it
unless you both agree otherwise. And as far as his mother is concerned,
don't worry about it. Besides, you probably are looking and feeling so much
better these days. wink. Keep your head up girl, and don't let nothing get
you down.
— Anderia T.
March 31, 2003
Just read your update, Leah, and all I can say is, BRAVO! BRAVO! You
handled the situation perfectly and are certainly entitled to a little
giggle 'way down inside. You should be SO proud of yourself! Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
March 31, 2003
I agree with John Tucker. My boyfriends mother hated me because I was fat.
She tried to enlist his ex to help break us up. When she found out we
were moving in together she decided that she wanted to lecture me about
it's not that she hated me but that my weight was so unhealthy. What she
was really worried about is that I would be a burden to her son. She didn't
care about my health. She kept hounding him about my losing weight and to
shut her up, he told her I was looking into the surgery. That was the
first time I was turned down for the surgery. I am now approved, but he
has not told her yet. I don't think it is his fault. You know how parents
can be when they demand an answer. Not that I was not furious, just like
you are. Hang in there, it will get better. Sorry for the long post.
— Sara W.
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