I am not normal - my life lesson today brought to you by a pumpkin scone

So I love fall, even in Austin where it's not fall until mid-November.  I love the smells of fall, the feel of fall, that feeling of anticipation that never went away even though I haven't been in school for a decade.  And I love pumpkin baked goods.  LOVE them.  They are my favorite.  My mom knows how much I love them, and so today she bought me a pumpkin scone.  We have lunch together each day since she works half a mile away from my house.  Now, I could have a couple bites of that pumpkin scone.  It would be fine.  I'm not really looking to lose anymore weight, and I worked out hard this morning.  She even said, "Why don't you just eat half?  You can eat the other half tomorrow."  But it's never just a couple bites, and more honestly, it's never just one scone.  I wi**** was.  Most days I'm OK with not being normal.  I've made a kind of peace with it as much as I'm able to.  But today, it just ******g depresses me.  I want to be the person who can eat a couple bites of a treat and be satisfied.  I want to be like my toddler who can eat a third of a cookie (she gets "junk" maybe once a week) and then say "all done" while she hands me the cookie to go about her toddler business.  I want to be moderate, to have a cookie without having four cookies and then ice cream and then some candy.  And it's not just my mom - it's nearly everyone.  I know I'm pretty thin.  I know that is what people see.  But that is simply not who I am.  I'm not the normal weight girl who can eat her salad then have a bite or two of dessert. 

I'm the girl who has to weigh herself every single day so I don't go off on a sugar binge like a crack addict looking for her next fix.  I'm the girl who has to weigh the pros and cons of a pumpkin scone - is it worth it? The frustration that I can't have more or the guilt that I did have more, much more?  I'm the girl who wages a daily battle between the person I really am (strong, determined, active, healthy) and the small part of me that is still 14 or 22 stuffing her feelings, getting comfort from food, surrounding herself with fat to keep everyone else away. I'm the obese girl with the thin body.

So, yes, most days, I'm fine with not being normal.  But today, I feel exposed, vulnerable and I so badly just want to know what it's like to be normal.  It's probably hormones. 

 

Thank you for sharing.  I feel exactly the same way. I try so hard to not let it bother me, but I have days that it's out of control.

Your post described me perfectly.

It's nice to know we're not alone.  We all have our demons :)  Mine just happen to be in the form of cupcakes and scones with pitchforks screaming "eat me!  eat lots of mes"

If it makes you feel any better I'm not a normal girl either!

LOL.  Yes, Keith, it does make me feel better.  :)

This was a predominant theme in my therapy session today. My therapist gave me some really great perspectives to consider regarding food addiction. My fears surrounding my bottomless pit episode last week gave me some insight - it dawned on me that never in my life have I maintained my weight, and last week's experience highlighted the fact that I can (need to) get to the point of being in control and able to adjust my mindset/intake while listening to my body.

I had been (am?) thinking of it as a zero sum game - I am either on a diet or I am not, I am either in control or I'm not - and she encouraged me to think about it in a different, more fluid context. In other words, finding the point where my actions and thinking are trusting of my body, flexible instead of brittle, and above all highly functional - remaining inside the guard rails I am setting up for myself.

It sounds like you're thinking about things in the same way I am. Perhaps this will help you.

Laurie

Thank you for replying.  I've actually learned a lot, including that sugar is an all or nothing thing with me.  I am fine with pretty much anything else so far.  I have nice dinners, I go out, I drink ever so occasionally.  I'm getting my feet wet with maintenance, so to speak.  I just don't think sugar is something I can have a good relationship with.  This is a crazy ride and a huge learning experience.  I fought increasing calories even though I was so hungry and my workouts were suffering, but I finally listened to myself and I've been the better for it.  I'm very much an all or nothing person, but I'm learning (like you) to trust myself, my body more.  I just wi**** could be that way with sugar.  And I wish that sugar wasn't so easy and prevalent and LEGAL :)

Hello, my name is Tracy...and I'm a sugar addict.   I've spent the last 8 years of my life coming to terms with the fact that I'm not "normal" when it comes to sugar.   I can't do moderation....ever!  I might start off like that but within a few days or weeks it spins completely out of control and I'm stopping at the mini-mart on my way to work and buying mini donuts to eat before I get to my desk.  and then I'm stopping somewhere to get a candy bar...and...and...and.... The true definition of insanity.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings.  It was there that I finally found my "home'...a family of people who have the same problem as I do.  Not all of them have sugar issues, but many do and I can relate to their stories. 

I feel your pain and frustration, I truly do!  I wish I was that person who could let cake go bad, or pass up a treat without mentally obsessing about it for hours afterward.  It's not me...and it makes it tough when you have to fight a battle to get people to understand the problem. 

I'm not an "all-or-nothing" person, I can do moderation fine in every other area of my life.  But recreational sugar is something I just can't do.  And I hope I never forget that. 

Cake goes bad? 

Awesome post.  I know this will be me once I have surgery and lose the weight.

 

All I can say in consolation to you (and to myself) is that everyone has their issue/cross to bear.  In the grand scheme of things that could be wrong with us, this is not so bad- it's treatable at least, even though it's a daily battle.