How to handle unsupportive family and friends?
I told my family and closest friends about my plan to have VSG on the 4th. The reactions were mixed. There was positive support, happiness, and also some anger and resentment. I'm so glad that some of my family and friends pledged to be supportive! But it also makes me sad that some weren't. I don't see it as me failing them - it's more like they are failing me. This is my personal decision to make, not some kind of "statement" about how THEY eat or manage their weight and health, but that's how they're taking it. Some who are obese, seem to take it as a betrayal or a rejection of THEM. A few see it as me rejecting who I am as a person or "losing myself" in some sort of mid life crisis.
I seriously DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW... on top of all the stress of my upcoming big day. I knew it would come, though.
"So you're saying you won't want to do lunch at our favorite restaurant anymore!" (Oh come on! I hope I'm more than just a Namaste India Curry Buffet Grand Slam Pig-Out Deathmatch competitor to you!!! Just because I'm retiring my sweatpants doesn't mean I don't enjoy your company and think you're some of the funniest people on earth. If worst comes to worst, YES I can still go out to eat with you guys -- I just might order different things than I used to, or eat just a taste of my favorite dish.)
"Oh great! I suppose you're going to find a whole new bunch of friends to hang out with because you're just TOO GOOD for us now!" (Your self-esteem called. It's waiting for you to come pick it up.)
"But doing that is so unhealthy!" (As opposed to diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis? You sure about that?)
"Aren't you worried that you'll be hungry all the time?" (A bit, but my surgeon assured me that the sleeve addresses at least the physical side of it.)
"You cheater! You picked the easy way out!" (Hmm. Right. After 3 years of starving and trudging through blazing heat, drenching rain, ice and snow with limited results, yeah, I guess I'm just a big wimp. I mean, why not spend the next TEN years starving and trudging as opposed to paying a guy to rip out half my stomach and risk dying or having some serious complication. Because I'm a fat person, I DESERVE a lifetime of the Bataan death march to pay for the unforgiveable sin of being fat.)
"It's going to be so awesome, you're going to look so sexy." This one stumps me. I just can't. Why do people have to say such a hurtful thing? Because what they're really saying is, "Ewww, you ginormous creep. You're so gross I can barely stand to look at you. It's nice that pretty soon, I can stop throwing up into my mouth every time you come around." Same with "You look so good now". That one also hurts. Was I really that much of a stinker before?
Y'know, on second thought. I think maybe it's best that I just stay away from people.
I totally understand what you're going through. I personally did not tell a single person besides my parents and my boyfriend. My family is, lets say, "too close for comfort." I knew if I had told them they would've tried to talk me out of it. My friends too (so much for true friends, but thats another issue).
Maybe this is easier said than done, but I would ignore them. They ones who are already obese seem to have severe self esteem issues and are jealous of your decision. You don't need to bring their issues into your life. This is YOUR decision and YOURS only. Its YOUR BODY and YOUR LIFE. Not theirs. After your weightloss you might even become a motivation for them to seek the help they need.
And as far as taking the easy way is concerned, there is NOTHING easy about this surgery. This is a TOOL not a solution. You have to remember that. Having a smaller stomach wont make you skinny permanently. The diet is hard work, really hard. So ignore those comments too.
The best you can do is focus on yourself and leading up to your surgery my recommendation is only surround yourself with those who were positive about it if you can. Best of luck hun, you got this!
some people just don't understand , I told all my friends and only 1 did not understand why I can't do it by dieting and she weight 100 lb
she also is supporting my choice
by the way I only get a little hungry around meal times and a few bites stops that
and as sexy as you are now you will be that much sexier when you are healthy
on 1/11/14 2:31 am - Canada
People are people...we all react to situations based on what we have to work with at any given moment. If you want them to cut you some slack then also be prepared to cut them some. They are not perfect, nor are you. I really believe that people give us the best that they can...unfortunately it's not always what we want or expect.
Except for my closest friends and family (I knew who would support me) I told everyone in one fell swoop on face book. My statement basically said... this is what I'm doing, this is why, this is what I need from you. Negative people need not comment.
I got lots of positive comments and those same people are following my progress and encouraging me daily. Those who have not commented would have been the ones that could not have been supportive. Because I shut them down and told them their opinion was not needed I never got that negativity from them.
I've always lived my life that if you wait for people to do the right thing (meaning live up to your expectations), they will fail. If you tell them what you want from them they will either step up or back off. Don't give people the power to make you feel better about your life for good or for bad and the way they act will not change you. Compliments are nice but don't let that raise your self esteem, that should be done by you telling yourself who you are. If you can do that then criticism will not hurt you but will allow you to hear it objectively and decide if it's worth exploring.
You have everything you need within you to do this without letting others effect you. Work on finding that and not worrying about making others understand.
With all that said, I think some of your comments on other peoples statements were hilarious! Thanks for the laugh lol!
Yup, that's what I did, I summarized it on Facebook. Most of my family and friends know what I've been through and support my decision. That's the good news!
The bad news is that I also have a lot of spiteful people in my family (unlike friends, you can't just cut them entirely loose, only avoid them as much as possible!) and they're the sort who always make hurtful comments no matter what you do in life. I'm aware of that and aware that they'll probably never change their bad habit of trying to tear everybody else down. They're the sort who make Thanksgiving and Christmas uncomfortable for everybody. I suppose I'll just not invite them over, then!
My friends are a mixed bag. I'll have to play that one by ear. You'd be surprised at how some people can be totally negative at first and then come around eventually.
But I told myself years ago that I can't control other people, only control my reactions to them. My life got a whole lot less stressful then.
A break, sure. They're gonna do what they're gonna do and it does no good to retaliate. My choice though, is I can set that boundary and cut people loose if they're going to slag me off every chance they get. No one deserves to be punished like that. And I certainly won't accept it. Hate on me, and you're off my Crimmus-card list! Muahahaha!
I think you nailed right on the head. I didn't tell anyone, including my family until it was done so there was nothing to say. I can tell you to send anyone who sails this was the easy way out to me. I will ask them what is easy about eating a 600 calorie per day diet and working out twice a day for a year to lose 180 lbs. Not to mention I had most of my stomach removed.
I think you should say what you said here. If your delivery is half as funny as your writing you make your point and make them laugh. Trust me those same people will be the ones in a year that will say they can't believe how great you look.
