Checking in at 21 months postop...or I'm still breathing

So, I'm over 21 months postop putting me very close to two years.  I've been working at getting back in touch with my WLS support (both here and at my local group) because I think it helps ground me, remember that I'm not alone or a freak, and just makes me feel connected and supported.

For those of you who don't know me, I had surgery in October of 2012.  I lost 130 pounds in a little over 9 months, and I've managed to keep it off for nearly a year.  Most of you know I've had plastic surgery - BL/BA & LBL.  I will be getting an inner thigh lift in August most likely.  That should finish off my plastics for the foreseeable future, although I'm sure I'll want to get a face lift when I'm older.  Haha.  I'm a 33 year old mother of a toddler, work full time in the financial world in pjs (working from home), I like to work out like a fiend, and I'm pretty type A.  I wanted to write this post in case there is anyone who can find anything helpful from my journey or just to write it all down purely for myself.

I went into surgery with one goal in mind - to lose weight.  I did that pretty easily, pretty quickly, in a very disciplined way.  That isn't the only way to do it, but it's the way I needed to do it because of who I am.  I did not think that I had any real issues.  I'd been in therapy.  I had a good marriage.  I had a healthy, beautiful daughter who is the love of my life.  I felt good about myself except for the fat thing.  It was always there, that suspicion that everything would be OK if I was just thin.  That being thin was the answer.  I was thin when I was married at 28 and the the entire year preceding that.  I quickly gained weight after, and I finally got to my all time biggest of 267 with pregnancy.  So, enter WLS because I felt defeated, miserable, and I could not lose weight.  It was the best decision I could have made.  I have never for an instant doubted that it was a good decision.  I never had that phase of "what did I do?"  I road the high of losing weight quickly for a long time.  I was terrified of maintenance so I never really declared a goal, even though I knew I was "done" (not that we are ever done).  Little by little, I made my way into maintenance.  And wanting to have fun, wanting to live my life, wanting to feel like I was the person I always thought I was because the fat was gone.  And I had that, felt that, and it's still there.

Except, what do you do when you have a life time of blaming the fat for your insecurity, your lack of self esteem, your allowing people to treat you a certain way, and then you don't have it?  Then you are maintaining.  Then you actually look in the mirror and think you are beautiful.  You always knew you were smart, hard working, empathetic, supportive, that you love unconditionally, that you are a good person.  Now you don't feel like you have to make up for something.  Now you know that you never actually did.  Now the barrier that you used as an excuse, as a chip on your shoulder, as a way to "test" people in a way is just gone.  I am a very sensitive person.  I am also very strong because I've had to be.  I do not let people in easily, but since I became a mother and had this surgery, I have been taking on more and more people.  The walls have been crumbling, and it's terrifying.  It's freeing and overwhelming and beautiful and terrible all at once.  I wish I'd been in therapy from day one, but I'm in it now.  Couples and individual.  I don't do anything half-assed.  Hah! 

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have a lifetime of stuffing things.  Food was just a symptom, a way to get some relief, a way to cope, and a way to not deal.  Stuffing a cupcake down my throat still seems infinitely preferable to feeling miserable, anxious, etc.  But it's not.  Really.  I'll just be dealing with a different kind of pain or discomfort.  Not that I never eat a cupcake, that would just be a lie.  :)  I'm learning to sit with the discomfort.  To feel all the feels, if you will.  I'm learning that it's OK to be angry, to feel resentful, to cry, to just be emotional.  It won't last forever, and I will not ever get through it unless I actually allow myself to feel it.  Because, in the end, I will be fine.  No matter what happens.  I will survive.  I always have, and I always will.  For the first time in my life, I have no goal.  I'm working on just being.  I am persevering in making healthy choices - not only food choices, but mental & emotional choices.  I'm also working on what really makes me happy.  Just me.  Who knew how hard it was to figure out what makes you happy when you're so used to making others happy? 

It's a whole new world!  I am emotionally exhausted, quite often sad or angry, but I feel clear and strong and authentic.  It's a nice way to feel for once.

 sounds like you are working on and grasping the hardest part of all this...FEELING emotions!!  I applaud you!

Ms Shell

Thanks!  Who knew it was so hard?  I have trained myself for so long to not feel my emotions that I sometimes don't have an emotional reaction for days, and I'm left thinking "Why am I so angry?"  :)  Muah!

Beautiful post.... I could relate to so much of it. Thanks for sharing and inspiring me to not give up. 

Jo

Never give up.  Take a breather, a reset, etc but never give up.  Everyone deserves their own version of happiness, but it takes so much work and care.

Thanks for keeping it for reals !!!

Nope.....you don't do half ass

Clear, strong and authentic is the way to be !!!

Ever ride the bull on 6th. St. ??? hah!

frisco

Hahaha, nope.  Just the bull in New Orleans :)  My introverted self can become quite extroverted when alcohol is applied. 

I have always enjoyed reading your posts and seeing your pics!!! You are absolutely stunning!!!!  I wish and pray that some day I could even get close to what you have accomplished ... your and unbelievable inspiration! !!! Kind and supportive! !!  You have gone 21 month and look at where you have gone .... what an amazing journey!!!!  

♡Kelly

Aww thank you! That means so much to me :)  I think it's way more than 21 months.  I think it's my whole life.  A friend posted this quote recently, and it really spoke to me, "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."  I like that.  Stripping away the garbage until you're left with just you.  Authentic, flawed, but perfect in her own way - you. 

I remember a post of yours not that long ago where you were expressing some frustration at feeling a bit "lost" because there wasn't any big goal to work toward.  I'm glad to hear that you are happy "just being".  That makes me happy for you! 

Thanks for being such an inspiration to so many of us on this forum!