Weight Loss and Marriage

I just wanted to post this because I have a friend who is married to a very good man. I was shocked to find out that she was cheating on him and that they are getting a divorce. She had lost 80 pounds and he thinks this played a part. Not that it matters, but she didn't have wls. But, I still think it is important for us to remember the impact that weight loss can have in all areas of our lives. I have a wonderful and supportive husband that I am so in love with. Before I had the surgery we talked in depth about the fact that people who have wls have a higher divorce rate. I am still fairly early in my journey and I hope that my relationship with my husband stays strong.

Have many of you had to deal with marriage issues due to wls?

Yes! 
A very wise WLS friend once told me that if your marriage has cracks going into WLS, the cracks will get bigger on the other side.  Boy was she right!  My husband and I are currently in counseling and learning how to deal with issues in our marriage that did not surface until I had lost nearly 100 pounds. 
The one thing that makes me a little crazy is when the WLS person is "blamed" for the break-up.  I have family that have blamed mine and my husbands problems on the fact that I lost weight.  Their mentality is that I am interested in other men now that I am a normal size.  WRONG.  The problems were there all along and being honest -- I was too afraid to rock the boat at 300 pounds.  But below 200 I am not so afraid anymore.

I believe that EVERY married couple should have counseling together before, during and after WLS.  The spouses can be just as much to blame for these issues as the actual WLS patient, by being aloof, unplugged and in some cases neglectful.

Thanks I agree, it is not only us. People react to our weight loss is some unexpected ways. So in the grand scheme of things those that blame only the weight loss for the marriage problems are way off. I wish you the best in your marriage. It is hard when others are blaming without even knowing truly what is going on. I also put up with less from other people now that I have lost some weight and sometimes others don't know how to react to that. Thanks again for the input.

"if your marriage has cracks going into WLS, the cracks will get bigger on the other side."

Fact.

"I was too afraid to rock the boat at 300 pounds."

Also fact for so many of us.  What we tolerate as fat and unattractive spouses may no longer be tolerable when we gain self esteem and self worth.  When we blame fat for our marriage issues and think weight loss may help ease those problems, they will magically become HUGE issues when we realize that it had nothing to do with our appearances in the first place.

Good luck to you, l4k.

I truly agree! Not in my marriage but in other areas of my life I just put up with so much crap that I am unwilling to put up with now that I am not afraid to rock the boat!

I think weight plays a big role in our lives and how we handle it is what makes us, or breaks us.  If you are in a relationship where your spouse is criticizing you about your weight you are going to end up having a lot of deep seeded anger toward that person. If  it continues, so will the anger. After surgery if the person does lose a lot of weight that is when they are going to have to sit down and look at the whole relationship over all. First off, are they going to be able to forgive that person, and second how much time and energy has been invested in the relationship. Personally, I have been married to the same man for 19 years, and there are days I love him with all my heart, then others I think I stand to be around him another moment.  My husband has always had a problem with my weight, which is probably some of the reason I am a compulsive eater, since I am always trying to fill some type of void. Granted, I was 130 to 140 pounds when we met, but gained weight with each pregnancy. Getting up to my heaviest now, which is 268? My husband has said things to me over the years about my weight and at times has been very verbally abusive.  I think a lot of it is because he is from the Midwest and speaks his mind, and yes I do hold some resentment.  I have thought about and tried to in vision how I will be after I have the surgery and have lost all the weight.  I know my husband will be thrilled to death, but I have to decide if I can really forgive him for all his negativity over the years.  I think the only reason I am still hanging on is because I do know my husband does loves me, even though it might not be quite the way I want him too, regardless he has some other good qualities that I have to take in count for too.  He is a good man. He doesn’t drink (unless socially), or smoke and he comes home to me every night. He has always been very supportive of my education, and is a wonderful provider for me and our two children. He is also been great at making sure our teenagers are respectful to me, even though there are times when he isn’t. I guess what I am trying to say is, I think as I am changing for the better, I am hoping he will change as well.  I stop loving myself a long time ago and this played a huge role in our relationship and we both quite trying to improve our marriage.  My hope is the surgery will only bring us closer because I will learn to love myself again, and will discover other things I love about him that I forgot about. Good luck!

   My story is a little different. I am in a very toxic marriage and I decided to get the RNY so I could be healthy and leave my abusive marriage. My husband now want a divorce now so he doesn'.t have to pay for the surgery. I'm am a bundle of nerves wondering what's going to happen. I think he's cheating too. He leaves every week end and return in time to go back to work. He can retire any time now and I don't know what will happen if he drops my insurance. I'm in a real mess. You are so blessed to have a husband that loves you.

I hope that everything works out for you and that you get your surgery. Whether is is physical or emotional abuse you need to take care of you. So many of us stay in marriages that aren't good because we think don't deserve better. This is not the case in my marriage, but I am soo guilty of letting many other people in my life treat me like crap because I felt inferior. I pray that God gives you the strength to do whatever is best for you!

My husband and I were just discussing this last night. :) I am still pre-op and I think both of us are a little worried about changes once I am on the other side, but he is so supportive and loving and so I think the biggest thing is going to be communicating and remember why I we fell in love with each other and have been together for 5 years. We have only been married 3 years so naturally we have still had bumps along the way but overall I think we are doing well.

I know some people say they felt like they had settled for their spouse pre-op, but I have never felt like I settled when I married Robert.  After talking about it to me surgery feels like it will strengthen our marriage more because when I was a bit smaller I felt so much better, wasn't sick and was happier. Lately...not so much and I think THAT has taken a big toll on him.

I wish you the best in your marriage and with your surgery. I am so glad that you are discussing this stuff before your surgery. I also have never felt like I settled for my dh. My husband notices a difference in me and my energy level and he seems happier and that is my wish for all of us- that ultimately wls makes our lives better.