an unexpected change from the sleeve - story

Yesterday, a co-worker chewed me out, causing much stress. 

 She was somewhat right in her point  - My office is next to hers, and people often stand by my door talking to her.  I chimed in a suggestion on something they were talking about, which she felt was intrusive and unwelcome. Fine, point noted, won't happen again.

But, the way she communicated her issue was not acceptable.  She marched into my office, and, in a loud stridant tone, ordered me to stop, told me that I had done this repeatedly, said she couldn't believe I was be so rude, and it better not happen again.

Being highly conflict averse, I apologized, then stewed all night.  I beat myself up, felt like a horrible person who was obviously disliked by all, and totally rude and socially clueless.  (Objectively not true, but you know how the mind can be). 

Then , I got mad.  I realized that I have chimed in maybe 5 times in the last two years, she spends upwards of two hours per day with people standing right outside my office talking while I am working on spreadsheets.  And, she never let me know this was a problem, so I had no reason to stop the behavior. 

Upon reflection, I added this outburst to examples of her past behavior, and came to the conclusion that while she can often be very social and pleasant, she is not actually a nice person.  And, I will adjust my dealings with her to lessen our interaction.

Before the sleeve?  I would have apologized, beat myself up, binged on chocolate or pasta to feel better, and put things out of my mind with no deeper reflection, and nothing learned.  The sleeve - operate on your stomach, change your mind :)

Good for you!  That's a very meaningful change.

Good for you. !!!

You might also ask her to invite the chatters into her office so they don't continue to disturb your work.  

GOOD FOR YOU!!! IT feels good to stand up for yourself.

I had a employee a few weeks ago come up the the front desk and in front of patients yelled at me and was completely un-professional- than she had the never to go complain to our boss about ME! He completely took my side and reprimanded her. I thought we were friends-I have pet sit ted for her many times and we have gone out to dinner and stuff so I could not believe how she treated me. I was SO upset all day- it really really bothered me- this was a Fri all weekend it was bothering me by Monday when I got into work I just ignored her-I was so pissed off with her- how dare she treat me that way! So other than work talk- as much as she tried to be all nice and talkative I refused to deal with her unless it was work related. The next day she came up to the desk and said I am really sorry for how I acted the other day. I looked at her and said OK..thank you. She made a face and in a snotty voice said- WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXCEPT MY APOLOGY! I said Apology accepted thank you. 


THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO HER. The old me would of been like OH-it's OK I'm sorry too- but I didnt do anything wrong! The old me would forgive someone like that telling them it was OK they treated me like **** WELL NOT THE NEW ME! NO MORE! I will NOT allow people to walk on me! It is NOT OK to treat me the way you did.

It's very hard to stand up for yourself- I am learning-it's hard but damn it feels so good!!!

Yay you!!!!

good for you, shesounds like the rude one!

go! go! go!!!  so proud of you.  i still have all those worthless feelings, but you're right -- virtually no comfort eating!!

think you were totally right on both counts.  bravo!

I'm glad you're not beating/eating yourself up.  JMO, you shouldn't have apologized in the first place, but that's me. If someone is having a 'hallway' meeting in your doorway, they are intruding on your workspace.  To suggest they should be able to do so and you merely sit there like a peice of furniture is degrading, and frankly, tremendously direspectful.  Second, a co-worker has no business chewing you out, ever. 

There's a reason I work in manufacturing and in a plant rather than corporate office.  I have zero tolerance for that kind of crap. 

I agree with what everybody has said, and I will add that it would be perfectly acceptable to ask her to bring her chatters into her office or to speak up to the chatter and say, "Would you mind taking your conversation into [*****'s office?" 

If this little BS/coffee clutch happens again, calmly stand up and ask the offenders to please move, and gently shut your door. My assumption is, they'll get the point.

Actions can speak a million decibels louder than words.