Emotional Low...

 Don't know what happened to me, but my self image got completely busted last night - and its getting me more today.

I went clothes shopping for fun last night.  Its always a bit of a thrill trying on clothes now.  I cant believe the sizes and styles I can fit.  Not to mention the brands that are available to me now.

It turned out to be a disaster and backfired on me.  Bad.  The first thing, is the dress pants I tried on did not fit at all.  Couldn't even get them buckled - even though they were the right size.  Then the Jeans actually did fit and felt great - but were a bit high seamed, I had a massive mosse knuckle going on.  That actually could have been a plus in the right cir****tances ;).

All of the shirts seemed to highlight my lumpy torso underneath.  It looked like I had a bigger muffin top than anything in the Starbucks food case.

Then I started looking in the mirror and things got worse.  I had my sagging man boobs, stomach that looked like something from the new Alien movie, thinned out stringy hair, and my face just looks OLD and SAD.   

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade the weight loss or my improved health for anything.  I know I am working on me and it's a long process.  It was just a kind of slap in the face aftrer feeling so good about myself for so long now.  I shocked myself with the dysphoria.  The good news is that when I got home, I didn't have the strong impulses to graze that I would have expected. I did eat a cheese stick, but it had been 5 hours since my last meal and I wanted to bump up my protein up over 80.

Theres nothing that I saw last night that I cannot fix.  Strike That.  There is nothing I saw that I cannot CHANGE, there is nothing in me broken.  Most of you already know that I am planning on the plastics.  I can do stuff with the hair.  I just wasn't prepared for that pendulum to swing back the other way.

Well, thats my post for now.  I'll probably blog on it in more detail.  I have my psych led support group tomorrow - plenty of chance to discuss there.  I am also going for my 4 mile walk now (its a cross train day) - time to think and talk.

Hope you all are having a great weekend.

It's a roller coaster for sure.  The same thing happens to me.  One minute, I can see myself in the mirror at the gym and think, "Wow!  That fit and strong looking chick is me!"  ... and later that day, I glance in the mirror and see the wrinkles in my face and my tummy bulge that won't budge and think, "Wow, I can't believe I thought I looked so good."

I think we all see reaching goal (or onederland, or plastics, or...) as the point at which life will be perfect and we will be perfectly hot living in our perfect world without a care, but I'm beginning to see that it's not really true.  I'll just be a skinnier version of me, with the same life, the same issues, the same half-wavy half-straight brown hair, the same 43-year-old age, the same issues.  It's hard.

As far as clothes, I wouldn't be surprised if men's clothing has succombed to the same vanity sizing that women's clothing suffers from.  It sucks, because you can't accurately predict your size from brand to brand and store to store.  Also, I've noticed that when I was fat, I was just happy to find a clothing item that "fit," meaning I could button, buckle or zip it.  That was my basic criteria.  Now that I'm thinner, I look for things that "really fit," meaning they are cut to suit my body shape and are flattering and minimize my flaws.  Those are two totally different definitions.

I hear where you're coming from.  Hang in there.  Your roller coaster cart will start trekking up the long hill in a little while, and pretty soon you'll have your hands back up in the air and will be screaming with joy again. 

dear rhearob,

you have been such an example to us of strength, discipline, success, intelligence, and kindness in the way you impart information in your posts that is helpful to us.   i am sorry that your spirits took a nosedive because you don't deserve to feel that way. 

we are so much more than our looks but when it comes to clothes shopping and looking in the mirror, we are focused at that moment 100% on how we look.  This is why i keep saying 'thank God for clothes.'  i understand where you are coming from.  i really don't want to take before and after photo shots because i look so old now in my face.  And of course i have the candle melting and sagging in most places on my body not because i lost a tremendous amount of weight but because i yo-yo'ed in weight for 45 years.  What i am saying is that i understand the heartbreaking feeling that you get when you have worked to improve and you see unfavorable outcome.  i think that as you lose more of your subcutaneous fat, and with time, that you will see some improvement because the subcutaneous fat weighs the skin down.  Also it takes a year for the skin to bounce back to the degree that it is going to bounce back. 

I have a feeling that you look better than you think you do.  It could be that because you have worked so damn hard that your expectations are very high, and your close look at yourself in new clothes did not meet your expectations, but that does not mean that you look bad.   Whatever you look like, or any of us look like, i think we have to find a place of body acceptance.   We may not be able to embrace or love our looks but it is important to accept ourselves.

What is fantastic is that you were not rattled and not tempted to go off your plan.  i haven't been on OH for a couple days but even when i am not on OH i think of you on your 500 calorie a day plan in combination with regular exercise,  and i am just blown away by your dedication, discipline, and strength.  

i am a contemplative person too so i know how that will help you with your mindset as you do the feeling and thinking. 

i hope you feel better.

 Just offering a hug, because it sounds like you know all of the right things......it's just that during low periods we can be overly depressed about results of wls.  Blog about it, talk about, but don't internalize it.  You will come out on top!

I too can only offer a hug and kind words, because this is something I have not come to yet, being still pretty new. But you're doing such an amazing job, and like you said, there is nothing that you saw last night that you won't be able to change when the time comes.

I think we all just have down moments at some point during this journey. I'm glad that you're talking this through and processing it, instead of packing it away to deal with later and grazing in the meantime.... even I know that only makes it worse.

You always have such good advice for me; I wish I knew what else to say. But I'm always here if you just need someone to listen. Love ya, friend!

I have to agree with Donna - you are truly an inspiration in all the help I have been reading where you have responded to others.  I am definitly impressed by your words and they have already helped me more than you could know.  While I struggle myself (very early out with such a slow weight loss - at least I think it is) look at how far you have come already.  You cannot necessarily think about clothing sizes.  Years ago I was busting out of a 28 - lost 100 - got pregnant - gained 70 and right before surgery I was busting out of a 26.  But, I put those 28's on expecting to make myself feel better - I knew I was only within pounds of my highest weight - and guess what - they were so tight on me I could hardly breath.  Just goes to show that sizes are different depending on the brand, and even on the colors.  Black jeans for example generallly run smaller than blue.  Hang in there, you are doing great and such an inspiration to many of us.

I must ditto this comment from above: You are truly an inspiration in all the help I have been reading where you have responded to others. I am definitly impressed by your words and they have already helped me more than you could know.

Huge hugs coming your way!

Oh Boy, did this topic mimic what I have been feeling the last 3-4 days. I am just "down" too. Join the club. Ditto cabbageheads. When these thoughts get the best of me, I then go back to all the diseases I have eliminated, the prescription meds I no longer take, the diabetes I will never get, etc etc. Plus, I so agree with Donna, to get the last of the flab off that is ever going to come off, you got to push the envelope to lose the last of the subcutaneous fat. For me, that means a BMI of less than 19.5. And to keep pushing the exercise. Then, I may consider a TT or brachioplasty, but not until. I think there is still some hope for us, as we have not reached the year spent in maintenance yet, or the maxxing out of our exercise. It is so darn slow, just like the weight loss. Sometimes it gets so darn discouraging, but we have only ourselves to blame, not that that helps in any way. At least take comfort in the knowledge that most of us that are over 30 on here have the exact same moments of horror when we realize our body transformations will only go so far. It seems we can change things internally (get healthy) easier than we can change things externally. If I had to choose, I would choose the internal changes over the external. Stiff upper lip, ole boy!

Sorry your having a hard time. I definately have those days even though ive only lost 45 pounds. Some days im like wow my smaller clothes are fitting then yesterday I just looked like a blinp. Weird thing is I was happier with myself when I got to this weight before so hopefully in the next 20 pounds i'll start feeling like the old me again. Just know your not alone.

 Public service announcement - shopping trips like this are signs from the universe that I need to stop spending money!! Sometimes I can go and love everything I try on and sometimes I hate everything. The last two years of my life have had so many ups and downs but the one thing I remind myself of - the ups aren't as great without the downs to compare it too. A little ego bust can just push me to try a little harder. Hang in there and things will get better soon.