memory lane (or alley)

Yesterday, we went to visit my 90 yr old dad in MA.  We all went out to dinner in downtown Melrose, the town I grew up in.  When leaving, I felt the strong urge to walk down an alley that leads to a parking lot behind Main St. So much of downtown has changed, but the alley was still there, and at the end, there they were - the 4 granite blocks where a friend and I would sit and eat the candy or ice cream we bought, hiding away.  We were probably 9 or 10 at the time.  I stared at the blocks and remembered feeling shameful about eating, even back then.  I spent the next 40+ years of my life eating, much of it in hiding, because of the shame I felt.  At that moment, I felt love for that little girl, and thought about how little I understood at that time, and forgave her.  Somehow, I felt a little freer. 

Wow Momsy, this is a powerful post and very honest. Those feelings that your little girl self are some that so many of us on here shared and still share even to this day (hey, they did surgery on our stomaches not our heads!). I'm proud of you for going back there and coming to terms with what you remembered from your childhood, as well as forgiving your former self for actions and feelings that are no longer in your control. And kudos to you for moving past those times to a more in-control and healthier you! What a moving post-- it sounds like it was a transforming experience!

Thanks.  It was powerful, but brief.  My older daughter ended up following me down the alley and asked why I stopped at the spot the blocks were.  I told her, though just that we sat there to eat our ice cream, etc.  I also drove by some other old haunts and visited my mom's grave.  It was an emotional time, but so worth it!

Thanks for sharing this with us.  I really could identify.

I think many of us have had similar experiences in our pasts.  It was one of those moments that, though brief and non-descript by others' observations, felt so powerful to me.  I've spent a lifetime feeling guilty and ashamed and I want to be free of the prison my negative self image, and resulting food/weight issues put me into.  I'm 57 and am ready to just be me and be okay and happy with the person I've become, and not spend the rest of my life apologizing for my existence.  It took me a long time to reach this point, but it feels great!