Worried I'm heading down a bad path (maybe an eating disorder?)

This is painful and embarrassing for me to write.  But since I'm anonymous on this board, and since I know this is probably the best place to hear from other people with "eating issues"... here goes.   Before I start, let me just say that there is no particular response I am looking for from you all, my OH friends.  You can scold, you can yell, you can commiserate, you can hug, and of course you can just ignore.  Any response, or no response at all, is just fine.   My hope in writing this post is to force some light on this issue and force myself to be completely honest.  I'm hoping that by being totally honest about what I'm struggling with, maybe my behavior will be quelled.

 

Several months ago, I had posted about chewing and spitting a cookie (and then another and another).  I was, at the time, disgusted with my behavior and lack of self control.   I said I'd not let the behavior continue.  Fast forward to today, and I'm doing this almost every day.   It's not even just impulsive.  It's planned.  I buy stuff at the store with the express purpose of just chewing it up and spitting it out.  Mostly junky food, of course.  Food that has no business being in our home.    I've had a few days where I literally didn't "eat" anything... just chew and spit.  I feel like **** on those days, of course.  I go to bed shaky and tired.

 

This is terrible, shameful behavior, I know.  It's not normal, I know.  It's the gateway to bad things, I'm sure.    But I can't seem to stop.  I'm getting a bit obsessed with it.    Especially if I'm stressed out, it's all I want to do. Damn holidays aren't going to help in the stress department so I think this month will be tough.   It's counter-productive to weight loss, it's counter-productive to my health goals, it's counter-productive to everything I want to be....  it's wasteful, it's disgusting, it's self-indugent.  I know all of these things, so why does it continue??

 

I will also disclose that I have  thrown up many times when I felt like I accidently swallowed too much.  Yeah, that's obviously not good either.  I don't throw up much, just a little to relieve any discomfort. I know that's bad for my body, my teeth, my ephogous, my electrolytes.  I know it's bad.

 

This is one of those situations where logic doesn't seem to matter.   I feel obsessed and driven to continue to the bad behavior.   Not good, right?  Obviously, I get something out of it.  I enjoy it on most levels or I wouldn't do it.  It relieves stress, I like the taste of the junky food, it relaxes me. 

 

I gained most of my weight due to a rare medical issue.  I think I had deluded myself into believing that because my weight gain came from a medical problem that I surely didn't have food issues.  Food issues were for other people.    I have to say now... clearly, I have serious food issues.  Really, I should have known that.  Medical issues or not, not many people get to be 360 pounds without having a few "issues".  Why would I have been the exception to the rule? 

 

I'm sure you all will tell me to seek counseling.  That's the rational thing to do, and it is what I would advise someone making a similar post.   Will I do it, though?  Right now that is very unlikely.  I hate the idea of therapy.  I think most shrinks are a bit crazy themselves.  (No offense to any psychs here... I said "most" not "all" ;)  I want to just handle this myself.  I want to just stop the behavior and get on with things - forget about all this stupidity.   I'm hoping by being totally honest here that maybe I'll feel accountable and it'll help encourage me to stop.

 

I want to stop because I want to be healthy, and this is NOT healthy.    The only thing I feel like I'm doing right at the moment is exercise.  I exercise every day, sometimes for about 2 hours.    I know how to eat right, and I have eaten right for most of my weight loss.  But lately, this weird food behavior has started to be a major part of my daily existence and it's got to stop.  It's so wasteful and so wrong. 

 

Thanks for letting me vent.  Maybe when I'm feeling the urge I just need to hop on the treadmill and log a few miles. I'm feeling embarrassed and vulnerable as hell for having typed all of the above... but I hope it's a step in the right direction to at least come clean to my OH friends.

Well, if you want honest..I will be honest.  You are avoiding going to a "shrink" because you know they will want you to stop doing something that is giving you peace, reassurance and fulfilling some need you have, probably less because you think they are crazy.  I have been in the "helping" profession, and actually tend to agree that there are MANY "shrinks" who are idiots.  Still, part of seeking help from a counselor, is accountability (and no, an anonymous board full of others with food issues is not considered accountablity).  At this point, it doesn't sound like you really want to stop, as much as you want someone to tell you it is ok. 

Well, its ok, its not the end of the world, its a glitch in your recovery, a sign that you need to address your head issues as much as your body issues.  However, do not fool yourself, in the long run, it won't be ok, so....catch it now.  Don't hide behind anonymity, dont' hide behind "food issues", or the past....just look to the future and what you want to have in life.  Make that your priority, not your denial, and the rest will fall into place.  Get a counselor, or a group counseling....choose carefully "interview" them first.  There is nothing wrong with saying that the first or second counselor you went to was a nut, it is no different from choosing a lawyer, or a doctor, or a real estate agent....choose the one that best suits YOU and YOUR needs. 

It sounds like you have a good hold on right and wrong, just a desire to distort reality to fit it....that can be corrected, that is just a sign of fear. 

  That is my two cents......

Wow, I admire you for coming on here to say all of that.  I used to be bulimic in my late teens/early 20's so I can relate to your actions.  I quit cold turkey when my older sister heard me throwing up in the bathroom when I still lived with my parents.  I felt humiliated & ashamed of my actions.  I weighed 130 at the time in a size 4 and felt in control but not in control at the same time.  This is definitely a disorder that needs to be taken care of and I think you are heading in the right direction just by mentioning it here.  A lot of us handle our food demons differently... some don't eat, some of us binge, some throw up, some chew & spit out food.  I think you really need to think about what you are doing (which you already are).  It's obviously not a good path to take.  I still "think" about my disorder almost on a daily basis.  I have no real desire to throw up but I remember being able to eat crap & get rid of it but it's just not the healthy way of doing things.  I remember seeing little blood vessels pop on my face from the trauma of throwing up & my knuckles being red from sticking my hand down my throat.  It was a clear sign to me that I was doing something wrong & putting myself though something that just wasn't right.  We need to get a grip; tell ourselves that we need to make a change.  I can see why some people don't think therapy is for them but then I think we need to find a way to deal with it in one way or another. 

I wish I had answers for you.  I just wanted to comment to let you know that you are not alone in your way of thinking.  I wish you the best & I do hope you can work on this a little at a time if quitting cold turkey won't work for you. 

I might add that I think I was just ready to stop the crazy behavior.  I think you have to be in a mindset to want to change & asking for help & guidance is definitely a step in the right direction. 

I am proud of you for posting and venting and letting it all out.  Not healthy behavior, but we all have our issues.   But these behaviors are harming you more than mentally and emotionally.  They are harming you physically as well.  It is consuming you, literally.   I know you said you won't go to counseling.  All I can say is, GO!  Find one you like and trust, if the first one doesn't feel right, go to another.  Many churches offer free counseling services, so even if the insurance doesn't cover it, you can find help out there.  Counseling did me a world of good and I would not hesitate one moment to go again if I felt I was struggling with any issue.  I paid $75 a session and it was worth every penny.  I gave up internet at home along with Netflix on-line to help pay for it.  So worth it.  I discovered so much about myself and I learned to love my life and was able to see the blessings instead of just focus on the hardships.  If not one on one counseling, perhaps a support group for eating disorders.  I will pray you find what is the right way to handle this for your life.  

It is not uncommon for people to have transfer addictions.  Your surgeon's office should have someone that you can go and talk to about this.  Even your doctor's office could recommend someone.  If you are diagnosed with an eating disorder, it is possible insurance could cover a group or individual counseling as well.

Whatever you decide, it will need to be something you talk to someone else about, face to face.  The first step is admitting to the issue, not just anonymously, but a face to face confession to someone in your personal life you trust.  You need accountability in some form.  I hope you find exactly what you need and soon.  We all fall and sometimes we can pick ourselves up on our own and other times we need someone to pull us up out of that pit.  While we hate the pit, because we feel stuck, sometimes we allow ourselves to stay in the pit because it is somehow a comfort to us, a place we know, surroundings we are familiar with.  Do not fear getting out of the pit, freedom is so much better than that dark place we thought was somehow our friend.

Praying for you! 

Check out my quote in my signature line.  Climbing the mountain to see the view from the top, might be a struggle, but it is so worth it!

You seriously need to get professional help, possibly as an impatient.  You need to really address the whys of your behavior and deal with it before you transfer it to another unhealthy habit.  CALL your surgeons office right away.  Mine has a psychologist to deal with mental issues. There is no shame in seeking professional help.  If there is no psychologist attached to the office call around and see if there are any social workers who are counselors that deal with eating disorders.

Hey - this is the first step - acknowledging a problem and looking for a solution.

 

Good Job!

 

You are tight that I will advise Therapy.  Like you I started out HATING the idea of therapy.  Surely I knew my own mind.  I did know my own mind.  I also had an unparalleled ability to lie to myself about what I was doing and why.  My first success was to open myself to the idea that Therapy could be helpful.

I did that by attending support groups.  Then I started going to a psychologist led support group.  As I heard other peoples stories and struggles, I realized that these things applied to me as well.  That was my psychological counseling for the longest time.  I developed a lot of really helpful tools there.  

As I got closer to maintenance, then I decided to do one-on-one therapy to reinforce and strengthen those tools.  It has proven invaluable not only in dealing with weight issues but also day to day issues.  My therapy is much more practical than what I thought going in.

Starting I imagined Bob Newhart and me lying on a couch talking about my dreams and Mother Issues.  Its not that at all.  Its more about my day to day life, how I see things, what my motives are, and tools for dealing with those.

So if you aren't ready for one on one therapy yet, try support groups, OA, and the like.  You will find others with the same issues and may have ways to deal with them.

 

Using the tools I have, if I were in your situation right now I would stop before you eat or buy anything and examine yourself - What are you feeling?  What need is that food filling?  BE really honest - dont accept labels like texture or boredom or taste.  Get to the root of your emotional state.  Once you recognize that then you can start dealing with the emotion without food.

When you have the urge to chew and spit, try redirecting it to something else - Sip on something, lift a barbell, go for a walk and get yourself out of whatever situation you are in.  

You can handle this - You already are.  

Another mental health professional here, who has also done bulimic, anorexic and compulsive eating in the past. The posters prior to me all have given you wise advice so the only thing I have to add, is, if you really aren't ready to seek treatment, you might want to try a 12-step group like Overeater's Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous or similar. Just do SOMETHING different. Deciding to continue these behaviors and then beating up on yourself is just spinning your wheels and a waste of your precious energy and finite time here on Earth.

My father chews tobacco and spits it too. He is addicted. You are addicted. That's it, plain and simple. Get help with your addiction. It sucks, it's embarrassing, and it feels kinda demeaning, but it will help. I don't care where ya get it, but you have an addiction and it needs to be dealt with...that's it. You didn't go through this crappy surgery to end up with a new addiction. PUT YOUR BIG KID UNDIES ON AND GO TAKE CARE OF IT!

I highly recommend the book "Brain over Binge",  you can get it as an ebook and it's not a horribly long read,  I read it in a few days.  I really did help me:

http://www.amazon.com/Brain-over-Binge-Conventional-Recovered/dp/0984481702/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354127166&sr=8-1&keywords=brain+over+binge

 

 

Tough love:

You don't want to go to therapy? Okay. Then don't. Don't deal with your issues and then go from what you're doing now to eating "just one" and it will go from there.

Stop the **** Get your butt to a shrink and deal with your stuff. You KNOW you have a food issue. You can't fix it yourself. TRUST ME. I didn't want to go therapy either. But I did. I hated it. I still hate it, but I hate it less because it's making me deal with my demons (which seem to be endless some days and other days I realize that there aren't that many left).

Find a good therapist. If that's a counselor or a therapist or psychiatrist or whomever. Look for someone that specifically specializes in eating disorders. They've seen it all.

So, for now... finish throwing your "I don't want to" fit and then pick up the phone and make the call.

PS - I do commend for coming forward. I'm sure that was hard and no judgment here, seriously. It's HARD to get help. Just go get it though... don't let yourself go further down a slope you don't need to go down. You're worth more than that.