Second Chances blown.

just needed a chance to vent and get a grip on something that truly saddens me. I just had a tummy tuck on february 6th which was an awesome goal finally achieved. There is nothing worse than losing all the weight and still not liking what you see in the mirror. But if your on this forum then most likely you understand exactly where I am coming from and can totally relate. Anyway - I had a relative that had a gastric bypass and lots of plastics done. She looked like a playboy bunny. Absolutely incredible. Well - That was a few years ago. She knew about my Sleeve and all the weight I lost and when I mentioned I wanted to get a tummy tuck she offered to help out. She introduced me to her surgeon which I love and offered me a place to stay while I recover.

So here I am - Tummy tuck - pain - and lots of time to rest, observe, and think about things. Sadly she is no longer a playboy bunny happy with her second chance at a healthy new life. She has gained more than half of the weight back and continues to gain. She has become an alcoholic downing a 12 pack of beer down EVERY night and finishing off with Pasta and girl scout cookies. She has such horrible gastric pains all the time due to her poor choices in nutrition. Is bent over doubled in pain for hours on end motivation to change. NOPE. Instead she just victimizes her situation placing blame on anything but her self. Its the Gastric Surgeries fault that my stomach hurts. Its the Gastric Surgeries fault that Im an alcoholic. Excuse after excuse rattle off her tongue. 

While I know that scientifically it is proven that alot of Gastric patients turn to alcohol to replace food she has to go above and beyond. Alcohol with pasta and desert. She loves to be the victim and always reminds me she hasn't gained ALL the weight back so she is doing good. She also dooms me to weight gain and says enjoy it while it lasts because you will gain some weight back.

She has of course undone all her plastic surgery. Tummy tuck destroyed and fat deposited in weird places other than where tummy tuck was. Boob implants destroyed with all the fat deposited in the breast area. So she took her second chance at life and flushed it down the toilet. Family members have tried to help her but she continues to play the bariatric victim. I mean its the bariatric surgery that forces her to stop by McDonalds every morning before work to consume her SECOND breakfast for the morning. The one she just ate before she left for work wasn't enough. Oh and I forgot. She cant drink protein shakes because they are too sweet and make her sick. REALLY??? And girl scout cookies arent sweet. Sigh - people really do disappoint with endless excuses.

So what am I supposed to do with this situation. She doesn't want to be helped so I cant do that for her. I guess all I can do is not repeat her mistakes. Continue to take responsibility on what I put in my mouth. Not be a victim and take control of my life. To be grateful for the second chance I have in life to be happy in the skin that I am in. Staying thin and healthy is a choice and I continue to choose to stay that way. And for goodness sake - if your are spiraling out of control like my relative please get some help. Self destruction is so unnecessary.   Youve been given a second chance. Please dont throw it away.

 

 

You've got it right. Take what she is doing and learn from her mistakes. You are also right with the fact that you can't help those that don't want it. It's a shame that this is the route SHE is CHOOSING for herself. I highly suggest a therapist to help with any inner issues. The only thing I could suggest for you, and her, is for you to offer a visit to the therapist together. Kind of a "moral support" deal. If she's not willing to look inward, though, she won't be able to help herself.

Keep up your good work, enthusiasm, and most importantly PATIENCE!

That is so scary. Maybe she needs an Intervention, and to go to an inpatient hospital for food addiction and drinking for 1 or 2 months?  This is really tragic!  However, as a food addict myself, I know how powerful and cunning the call of the food is...I am a gutter eater myself.

Sorry to hear about your relative...if she unwilling to get or take any help unfortunately there isn't much you can do.  If you think the alcohol could lead to a dangerous situation, you could consider an intervention, but again she has to want to change and help herself. 

I know it's really frustrating...sorry you are going through it, but hopefully you can store this as a cautionary tale and not go down that road yourself.

Hugs!

P.S. Your tummy tuck looks amazing!

Wow .... I don't even know what to say . I am only 3 weeks post op but this is a very good but sad reminder that the sleeve is only a tool , you have to work and be committed to healthy lifestyle for the rest of your life. The vets on this site like Elina and Frisco can give you better direction on how to handle your Aunt.

On a happier note , congrats on your weight loss and your new tummy !

She definitely has some serious addiction issues going on. Unfortunatly no one can help her until she is ready to help herself.  It is very sad.  I am not that familiar with how forgiving an RNY is, but if she had a sleeve, I would say that it is never too late for her to turn her life around.

she sounds exhausting.  Currently working with a friend who is a car wreck and drains the life out of me.  I am about to take a break as I've abandoned these types of situations for my own good years back.  I can't even process your email.  All I can say is offer a little direction then create a space and take care of you.  These people have in there minds set what they are going to do or believe or whatever.  You just waste your time and your breath working with someone who is dead set on being or remaining a "victim".  These people are train wrecks and basically there is nothing you can do to stop them.

 

Take care of you my friend.

 

May God Bless You!

 

Laylah

Oh boy, I could be that woman.  Not today, but I have it in me to throw it all away, eat til I get sick and go back for more.  The only difference is I wouldn't take up valuable stomach capacity with alcohol.  I'd save it all for the peanut butter fudge.

I am a food addict, I have that monkey on my back.  I can feel her pain, her despair, her inconsolable demoralization.  But that does not *have* to me, but I have to keep remembering it *could* be.  I am so sorry.  I don't have a lot to offer you, because dealing with someone in the middle of their addiction(s) is pretty difficult.  Maybe someone from AA could reach out to her - sounds like getting sober would be an important first step for her.

I have to be vigilant, humble, willing to ask for help, willing to be honest about all the games I can play with food.  This is not possible on my own.  I have to have the help of like-minded individuals.

On a happier note, it *is* good to see you and you're looking terrific!!

 

I dont know what to say that you haven't already heard or thought yourself. We all know that no one can change us but ourselves. I will be thinking of you both and sending prayers up for both of you. Take care of yourself first!

I am going to be honest... I feel a lot of this is about choice.

My first experience with someone who'd had a RNY was with seeing someone lose it all and regain like that. Since then... I have seen it a few other times...

I watched one friend go from a size 28 to a size 6... and then bounce her way up to a 16 before she stopped speaking to me. No idea where she is in life now but she cut contact from everyone who loved her to continue her ways.

I watched another go from a 26-28 to a size 6-8... She then bounced to a 14. I talk to her occasionally still, and heard through a mutual friend she is doing well. She told me she is about a 10-12 now... that is good. She chose to seek counseling for her issues.

You have a choice... You can make use of your tool, or you can choose to work around it. I am going to say that yes an addiction is a powerful thing but all people choose to get hel*****t. Your cousin is not. It is a shame but it is not your choice. It is hers.

Addiction is often touted as going hand in hand with denial. The thing is... Addicts know they have a problem. It is not a matter of not knowing. It is a matter of not wanting to admit it, or do something about it at the time. No one has to tell an addict they are addicted. Your cousin sought surgery, and then succumbed to her addiction again. That becomes about choice... Blaming other people, and other things for the cir****tances she lives with is about avoiding dealing with it.

I don't have a food addiction to sweets, etc. but I did have portion control issues with savory foods. I worked hard on getting those in line a few years ago which is how I ended up stabilizing my weight outside of rounds of prednisone but I couldn't get below a certain point. Be it the size or the scale. It just stopped moving lower at the time and I stopped trying. Since I've already gone to that barrier and kicked it out of my way I am seeing the VSG as something near perfect for me. I choose to make use of it.

I do have an addiction though. I am considered recovered/recovering. I had shopping issues. I have been able to give away 60+ articles of clothing 2 times a year for the previous 3 years and am in the beginning of the 4th year. I spent a lot of time getting that under control and can now buy that 1 thing... And be content. I can even window shop and be content. It use to be a matter of buying 5... or 10... or 20 things for my closet. It took a lot of work to get past that. I was so out of control I had 365 pairs of underwear at one point. Not hoarding... I wore it all. Sometimes for an hour or two... but I wore it. And yes I can see the humour in it now. Hitting 365 pairs of underwear was my wake up call. I didn't buy more until I had to. It took me 8 years to work through that stash!

 

As for your cousins rants and excuses... it is common for people who've chosen to go that route to have that rant. Heck I find ranting is almost a hobby for some post-op people... ESPECIALLY while they are drinking.

I even had a 20 minute lecture at a conference I attended as a pre-op. It was about how my life was too complicated to have any WLS with a corn allergy, and a daughter with aspergers... And how I wasn't going to succeed, and wasn't dedicated enough if I was having a VSG over a RNY. How I would have to resolve those complications in my life before I could ever have WLS... Because being anaphylactic is going to go away some day, or the magic pill to fix my daughters aspergers is around the corner so I should be waiting right? She totally piled on the excuses I could have chosen to use but I didn't.

Sorry... I think I am still bitter about that lecture 3 1/2 months later. She was at goal, drunk, and opinionated and I chose to leave and disassociate myself from the rest of the people at the conference because I didn't feel like dealing with it, and her. My journey was going to be about me, and my lifestyle.

It taught me something though... I can do whatever the heck I want to and nothing anyone else says is going to change my mind.

For me that is positive. For someone with issues like your cousins... It is not.

When do you go home to recover in peace?

Shell