C'est la vie...summer's over and check in with surgeon

This post has been long since coming but I've been pretty quiet on the boards.  I have to thank Keith for following my posts and getting on me about being so close to goal and just stopping.  But I'm here to explain what the heck happened.  You guys are my support group, friends, confidantes, etc etc and I owe you an explanation, I think.

You see, summer has always been crappy for me weight and food-wise.  When I was pre-op (or living in band hell) the summer was always 3-4 months of not giving a crap about dieting or weight loss.  There's countless parties, bbq's, and social events going on and I just never cared what I was putting in my mouth.  I wanted it to be different this summer but some emotional issues have reared their ugly head and I had to step back a bit.  I've struggled with weight loss for so long that once I started having some emotional issues, I just had to stop and think about my mental well being first.  Some might say that food/diet is related to this but honestly, I just didn't want to have one more thing to think about.  I know that sounds bad but I was tired of obsessing over what to eat, when to eat, when to work out, when to grocery shop, etc etc. 

I've been going to therapy for a few months now and it is honestly the best thing I've ever done for myself.  However, it's made me realize that I have bigger issues than my relationship with food.  I went to therapy wanting to learn how to cope without food and what not but the sessions have changed completely.  I have A LOT of anxiety and it manifests in very bad ways and I've realized that my marriage and my relationship with my husband are the biggest trigger.  We have a lot to work on together and I've realized that I've let him get away with too much in the past couple of years (we've been together for ten years, married for two).  It's a long story but I love him and he does love me too so we both want to work on this.   Basically, we are both VERY emotional people and not in a good way either. We BOTH have horrendous tempers and don't know how to communicate with each other without having a crazy, all-out screaming match which usually ends with my crying and just shutting down completely.  I'm slowly but surely learning how to communicate better with him and without becoming an emotional wreck either.  I also finally convinced him to come with me to a session and I hope for a good outcome. 

But my husband is not the only issue.  I have a lot of anxiety about pretty much everything.  Friends, family, money, work, life, death, etc etc.  I have weeks where I'm a complete mess because I'm worrying about going to a party with friends, or how am I going to pay this bill, or what will I eat when I go to this dinner party?  My career is at a stand still and I feel like I'm stuck in life...I'm not where I thought I would be at 28.  Anyway, the point is, my therapist thinks perhaps I should try anti-anxiety medication (which is now another thing I'm having anxiety about lol).  I'm not dealing well with my anxiety, all my coping mechanisms are bad.  Food, alcohol, and smoking.  I normally wouldn't admit this but I'm a smoker and it's gotten worse.  I'm like a chimney now because I'm trying really hard not to cope with food or alcohol but I'm just sinking into a deeper hole of crap. 

Anyway, since the summer is over, I really want to get myself in order.  I want to be healthy and happy in all aspects.  I saw my surgeon today for a check up and he's happy with my progress but I feel like I can and should lose more weight.  I'd ideally like to lose another 30 pounds (since I've gained a bit this summer).  I know that it's achievable and I want to reach my first goal of 150 by my one year anniversary on 10/12.  I know I can do this, I just really need to get my head in the game.

So, this was a long rambling post that probably makes no sense but life is life and I need to start figuring out how to live it and not be a complete nut case full of anxiety.  Thanks, as always, for listening and I look forward to updating you all on my progress in the coming month. 

I am so glad you posted this. I suffer from bad food anxiety also but have not found a doc to take me serious. Most just say "well at least you will not gain the weight back" and I feel like screaming!!!!!!!

I don't want to live in this perpetual circle of stress and anxiety about food. 

Good luck

Gurl, I just love you and think you are absolutely amazing.  I don't mean to turn this post into me but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.  Maybe you have put on a little weight as you've stated but please don't let it turn into 20 pounds like it did me because no matter how far out you are, it's definitely harder the 2nd time around.  At least try to stay where you are at & not gain anymore.  I have some severe issues with food & I have come to realize it's not all about taste or just wanting to be a "ziggy piggy" ... maybe it's just a "habit".  A habit that I need to break because I don't enjoy food the way I used to but it's always been my coping mechanism. 

Some personal background on me & I usually don't like to put myself out there.  My mother in law (soon to be ex) told my mom recently that she was happy to hear I have "moved on with someone & not in pain"... as if she is telling my mom that my life is a ******g rainbow with dreamy eyed ponies prancing around bouncing off puffy white clouds.  I have my dark moments still ... and sadness & pain.  I'm not the type of person to shut things that were important to me once.  I did what I had to do & now I am thoroughly convinced that the other family has no real idea on why I went thru my divorce but it is not my job to convince anyone anymore.  I am still trying to work on "me" and have since struggled to make the most out of my life & the loved ones who matter most.

Work on your marriage gurl because you want it to work & it can if you both want it.  I will keep you in my thoughts that things can continue to brighten up for you.  Try to kick the smoking habit, you know you need to.  PM me anytime you'd like to talk, I am here. 

I think you have shown amazing progress.  You are a beautiful person, inside & out.  I really hope to meet you one day!!! 

Thanks, jenn and thank you for sharing your story with me...I really appreciate all the support i get on here and I feel like I can really share what I'm going through. I'm doing my best to get back into shape and I refuse to let the gain get anything more than it is. I know I have a bunch of cheerleaders on here and it makes me feel good knowing I can come on here and share.

I hope to meet you too one day!!! For sure

Kudos for being so honest and upfront about the issues you're struggling with.   Several years ago, when I tried to remove sugar for the first time from my diet, I found out that - lo and behold! - I was a REALLY anxiety-filled person.  Huh, who would have thunk it?  Of course I never knew this because I always shoved those feelings down, down, down with lots of food - or emotional rage - but I never coped with it.  So your story sounds really familiar to me. 

I'm glad I got into therapy and OA long before I ever thought about surgery because it helped to prepare me for what's going on now.  I'm not "cured" by any means.  The last 3 months I have been much snippier, snottier and shorter with the people I care about.  I've gone back into therapy to help me deal with the issues that will continue to come up. 

The good news for you?  You're only 28!!!  You can't even conceive of what a gift it is to be that young and finally figuring life out...but you will :-)   I wish I'd had half your insight and determination at that age. 

You'll do this! 

 

 

Good for you, for admitting your issues, for getting therapy, for wanting to work on them, for just being you.  I had that stuck feeling at 26, nearly 27.  I hated my job, my boss was so emotionally abusive, I was having panic attacks on a daily basis, my relationship was in stagnant, I was unhappy with my weight, my dog was dying of cancer; it was just a really rotten time for me.  I hear you on the anxiety and the food.  My anxiety is actually the worst thing for me with food.  I usually can be successful turning away from my food demons under many other emotions, but coping with anxiety by shoving food in my mouth has always been a very big issue with me.  So, what I'm saying is big hugs.  I may not have been exactly where you are, but I can totally empathize.

I think you have been different this summer, though.  You've gotten yourself into therapy.  Your husband is even amenable to a couples session.  You're working things out.  No, you haven't made goal.  No, you have let past food behaviors in again, but **** this is real life.  Be proud of yourself.  Acknowledge the work you've been doing as well as the work that needs to be done.  We're all works in progress.  You CAN do this.  You ARE successful, and you will be even prouder and more successful when you take more control over your food, your weight, your marriage, communication.  You're strong and smart and awesome.  I believe in you.  I'm here for you any time you need me.

Don't be afraid of meds if your therapist thinks they will help.  It's OK.  I probably need a script and a therapist, as well. 

Thanks...sometimes I need to sit back and realize all I've accomplished instead of focusing on the bad and dammit that is hard to do. I know I'm not the only person to go through this but glad to have so much support on here

wishing you luck as your journey continues

I take meds for anxiety and love the release I experience. I know my anxiety is related to brain chemical imbalance and am thankful meds help. I must be aware of many things to be healthy and taking my meds help with that process. Wishing you good luck!