Picking Up My Sword Again
It has been two years since I have posted to this page. It has been beyond difficult to write about the utter pain and devastation I have felt within the last two years of my life. I was slated to have Gastric Bypass surgery in December of 2011. Two weeks before my surgery, I checked my insurance benefits again, and everything had changed! I panicked and called the insurance company immediately! I was told that my employer elected to utilize a plan that required patients to use surgeons that the insurance company designated "Surgeons of Excellence." This had not been the case before, and I personally checked with my insurance company several times to ensure I had a thorough understanding of requirements for coverage. Not only did I personally check with the insurance company, but my surgeon's office contacted my insurance company on various occasions to discuss my benefit coverage for bariatric surgery and surgery requirements. I asked my surgeon's office to call the insurance company again to verify the information I recently received, because surely it wasn't true! My surgeon's office called the insurance company and was informed of the same thing, which posed a significant problem because my chosen surgeon was not a bariatric insurance approved surgeon, though he was in network! The surgery scheduler was just as floored as I was when she called me back to discuss the matter. She looked back in my records and gave me the dates, times, and names of the insurance representatives she spoke with each time she called about my coverage in the past, and no one had ever made her aware of any problems!
After about a week of going back and forth with the insurance company, a representative finally told me, "Ma'am, your employer and/or insurance company has the right to change your benefits without notice, and are protected by law in doing so." I cried! I screamed! I threatened to file grievance after grievance! Eventually, I had to face the fact that I would have to start all over again. The agonizing part for me about the situation was that I had been forced to start the process again a year earlier. In 2010, I initially began the process with a surgeon who decided to quit his local practice and move to Tennessee. For me, starting again would mean a third psychological evaluation, a third cardiology clearance, a third pulmonary clearance, a third gastrointestinal examination, and a third round of blood work! I was so depressed that I didn't even want to get out of bed!
Over the next year, I began a downward spiral. I gave up all hope, and in the midst of my surgery sorrows, I failed my doctoral comprehensive exam! I slipped deeper into the darkness of depression. I returned to my old eating habits and regained a whopping 55 lbs. in one year! When I went to see my PC for my annual exam, she was totally flabbergasted and confused. She asked me, "Weren't you scheduled for weight loss surgery last year?" I understood her bewilderment because she walked with me step by step previously! I told her what happened, and I wasn't even sure she would believe me considering that this was the second time such a thing had transpired! I also told her that I had been consumed with the stress of having a full time career and being a full time student seeking a terminal degree. She looked at me and in a very serious tone said, " You have to do something! I am very concerned that you have regained approximately 50 lbs. in a year's time, and your blood pressure has increased to the point that I now have to prescribe you medication to help manage it. I don't care if you have to put school on hold for right now. You have to attend to your health, or you won't be alive to finish school. What do we have to do to get you scheduled for surgery as early as two to three weeks from now?" I told her that it wasn't that simple, and that I now had to complete a six month supervised diet. She told me, "Fine, you will come in to see me monthly, and I also want you to begin seeing the nutritionist here in the office. I will update your letter of medical necessity and refer you to see whomever you need to see to get this ball rolling again." I was frightened because my doctor appeared to be deathly afraid of what could happen to me. It amazes me that she was more willing to fight for my life than I was at the time. I knew then that I had to pick up my sword again and get back on the battlefield, though I did not feel mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in any form of warfare.
I called my mother and discussed my doctor's visit with her. I told her that I was paralyzed with fear at the thought of trying again. I feared repeated failure and disappointment that could possibly crush my spirit indefinitely. My mother told me, "Try again! Sometimes, three times is a charm." Her words stuck with me, and I began again. I even sat for my comprehensive exam again and passed the second time around!!! I moved on to the dissertation writing phase! To say the least, it has proven to have its share of challenges. LOL!
I wrote all of that, to say that my insurance company has finally approved me for surgery! I am scheduled to undergo the surgical procedure for Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on December 20, 2013, which is only two weeks away!!! It feels surreal! After what has seemed a lifetime, I am moving forward with surgery. During my six month supervised diet, I lost 45 of the 55 lbs. I regained last year. I have to be honest. Last month was rough. My grandmother, who practically raised me, died in November. From October until now, I have gained about 15 lbs., but I don't feel defeated. I have learned that I over eat when I feel stressed, as do many people who battle with weight loss. I have to be honest with myself about my weaknesses and be conscious of my actions when I am stressed. I have to change my way of thinking and be more consistent with a proper diet and adequate exercise. I have learned that there are no magic bullets to weight loss. It is a long and arduous journey at times, but it is worth the climb! I have begun therapy again, and am now facing some serious issues that I once did not want to face. I now realize why God did not allow me to have surgery two years ago. Simply put, I wasn't ready. I had not dealt with any of the issues from my childhood that caused me to binge eat. If I would have had surgery prior to this present time in my life, I would have completely sabotaged myself. I'm learning not to blame myself for things I could not and can not control, but I am also holding myself accountable for my behavior, which has a major impact of my physical and mental well being. Self hatred and blame are different than thoughtful accountability. God is helping me to differentiate between the two entities. I thank God for Jesus and my knowing Him! Apart from Him, I am nothing, and I can do nothing. The Lord is healing me in areas of my life that I didn't even know were broken. Again, thank you Lord!!!
I have begun my two week pre-op diet, which consists of full protein shakes, vitamin supplements, a natural laxative, Aditonin, and a small dose of Phentermine to help suppress my appetite a bit. I am hoping to lose some more weight before surgery, which I am claiming will happen in the name of Jesus! Amen, which means, it is so!
Until next time folks, May God keep you in his divine grace.
on 12/7/13 10:24 am - Canada
What a roller coaster ride! As a believer you know it's in His time and not ours. He knows the best time and that is now! Good for you for not giving up! I pray your surgeon has steady hands and your body heals quickly and painlessly! Keep working on those reasons you eat...with God's help you can conquer this!
I am SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU that you get this chance!! I am very PROUD of you for getting through all of this and are smart and brave enough to address some of the issues that lead you to overeat. I am amazed at what you've been through and I am not sure I would have wanted to get my hopes up for a THIRD failure to get surgery. I am sure it would have devastated me just as it did you. I can understand why you were afraid to go for it again. But now look, you are on your way to a life-changing surgery and to changing your life! I will be following your journey on here because you have inspired me so much by posting this. You can do this! I just KNOW it!
Wow is all I can say! I am so happy for you to move forward with this!!! Congrats! Will be thinking of you on the 20th!
Panniculectomy with anchor incision 5/8/09 (10lbs skin lost) re-do of breast reduction to correct flaws 38c to 38c- with lateral breast lift.
