Body changes...

May 25, 2010

Ok, well I have had ups and downs. This week I actually gained 3 lbs. Yes, I have been doing bad this week so I am trying to kick myself in the behind to get back on track. I ate really well yesterday, then today I did great until tonight. I had to stop myself because I was just looking for more and more food. So I did have extra at snack tonight but I was able to stop myself which I am happy about. The other bonus was that I ate things that were healthy...nuts, yogurt and protein cereal. Yes, I did eat too much but at least it wasnt a brownie or piece of cake. I am happy about  that.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that my bra was just not fitting right . It was too loose around me and the cups were only 1/2 filled so on my lunch break I went to get fitted. What a shocker...I am in a 36C (that's a 10 inch loss around my chest and I am down 4-5 cup sizes). I have not been a C cup since I can remember. I look in the mirror and I am loving who I see (with clothing on). Then I go to try clothing on and I see myself undressed and it shocks me. It's the strangest thing I have ever felt or seen. I still see myself in the mirror as the 322 lb woman I was...but I know that I am much smaller (about 1/2 that size). It's frustrating to me, I look at my sagging belly, droopy thighs and small breasts and I think to myself how I could have done this damage. I hope that I begin to feel better about myself and start to see myself as I really am and not still the 322 lb woman. On another note, you may have heard the saying that people are like their dogs in some ways. Well I definitely am...I am now looking like a shar-pei. I have two of them anyways but it's hard to imagine that a 32 year old woman is looking wrinkly like a shar-pei. My time will come for plastics..but for now one thing at a time. Getting myself out of my marriage (he's still trying to brain wash me into working it out with him) and I am so over him I just want to move on. It's been months and I have not even thought about intimacy. I have been so afraid because I just thought that I was dead on the inside. Just being so hurt, abused and beat down I cant imagine being intimate with anyone. I really hope and pray that I can heal from this marriage and be able to move on. I think my focus has been strictly on survival that I haven't thought about pleasurable things. I hope that one day I will be able to be intimate, that I will be able to find the right man for me. I have so many dreams and not one of them is of me being a single mom.  

I tried to escape tonight from life's problems so I took Sierra to the park. While she played I watched the latino guys playing soccer. It's so amazing to see so much talent out there. The way they run, jump, pass the ball and work together as a team. It's an amazing sight, I talk to a couple of the wives and play with the kids...but since my spanish is not that great I still find it hard to hold a full conversation. I often wonder what it would be like to go to another country and work, live and raise a family. It has to be hard although the people that I have met are really nice. I would love to do it someday with the right person. I sit and day dream about it. I wonder how we would live, would it be a simple small adobe house or a larger home. Would we have  a TV or not? I don't watch much TV anyways and I would love to live without one. You know what they say if you don't have a TV then you have to find other things to do...well if I was in a good relationship that would be awesome. Especially to work on getting pregnant...that's fun. Ohh..Mr Right I know I will find you one day.

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