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Last night I couldn't sleep and something told me to check out OH... Just to see if I could possibly remember my log in.. It worked. I've read my entire blog last night and cried.. I remenessed through the pictures and remembered what it was like at the start of this journey. I'm excited to get caught up with my story and get some recipes and rededicate myself to working out. My motivation in the beginning was so strong and somewhere along the way it was lost. So much has changed since 8/11/2009..life has had ups and downs but not a day goes by that I regret my WLS. I have to be honest I've lost my bariatric manual and I've forgotten what it's like to be 3,4, or 5 months out from surgery but I need to get back to the basics. I'm hoping to figure that part out and find that information and regain motivation. 

In 2011 it was the most uplifting and heart wrenching year for me all in one. I had my focus on so many things other than myself...I mean I even forgot my surgiversary! How could I ever forget one of the most important days in my life?? I was so caught up with living life that it came and went and now I am embarking on another new year! I am so excited about the upcoming year because I am more focused on myself and working on the issues that I have in my life and within myself. I didn't ever run the 5k in 2011...so that is one of my goals still in progress. I must say that it's been hard for me to get back in shape since I've put on some weight but I have been actively trying to get it back off. I've been going to the gym for 2 weeks now and I'm loving it (sometimes a little too much). I set a personal record this week and I've even broke that last night. When I was at the gym 2 nights ago I was on the elliptical and completed 6.75 miles in 1 hr. Last night, I did 6.82 miles in 1 hr, however I was a bit disappointed in myself because I didn't burn quite as many calories as the night before. You know for me the cycle began at that moment, I was obsessing about not burning as many calories, then I was thinking ok, I can't eat many carbs tonight or drink as many beers. So then I got myself in a tizzy over it all and became more and more frustrated and aggervated with myself until I thought "ok, I need to control myself now and make a better choice so that I don't regret eating the wrong thing or drinking too much!" I pulled myself together and went to bed.

This morning, I went through the usual routine, and then hopped on the scale. It hadn't moved since last week....ugghh what disappointment I felt. I was ready to throw the scale out the window! I mean I have been just busting my butt at the gym for the last 2 weeks and my weight has stayed the same...WHAT???? Again, more disappointment...but today I am eating less, drinking less bad things and still going to the gym tonight. I know in my heart that eventually this hard work will pay off...at least it better!! I guess now I am going to have to deal with my body being different from last year and getting the weight off is harder and harder. Overall, I have to remember that I am going through this to reach another goal and I should enjoy my journey getting to it. I tell myself that my body is getting healthier, and hopefully I will lose 12 lbs or so in the next couple of months. I have upped my protein...lowered my carbs and I am snacking less and less. Eventually my body has to give up a few pounds.

So looking at the last two weeks and toward the future I know that I am destined to be great! I have the thoughts of a new career in my mind and I am looking forward to having (hopefully) full custody of my daughter. I have enjoyed the holidays with her and I appreciate all the new things that her and I have done together, like painting, making Christmas ornaments, baking and just seeing how much she is changing on a daily basis. The stress of moving into a new home with my boyfriend now, is behind me and we are all 3 getting settled in very nicely. I can't wait to see what I can do in this new year, and I can't wait to see where my journey will lead me. I am giving it my all so that I can finally enjoy the life that I have now.

Best wishes to everyone for the upcoming year and achieving whatever your goals and dreams may be!

Well tonight has definitely been an eye-opener for me. My boyfriend and I had a conversation that got a little heated but rightfully so. I have always been a very naieve person and throughout my life I have not made the best decisions or been in the best situations. Tonight he helped me to realize that I have "A Voice". Hello?? could that really be me talking, you mean I really have a voice? Yes, for so long (actually as long as I can remember) I have been the submissive person that I was taught and raised to be. Even when things were wrong or I was treated badly, I was taught that I would just have to accept it. Growing up in a Baptist home, where my mother was my rock, I learned to always back down to the man and accept that he had the final word on EVERYTHING. Ok, so that was totally wrong, this I now know. I mean, in all these years it felt wrong, I felt horrible, humiliated and embarrassed. I am not saying that all Baptists are this way but in my home it was. My mother (whom I do love) was not the best role model and I firmly believe that she did the best she could. There were things that were never talked about and even when these things happened to me, she swept them under the rug to be forever forgotten and never to be talked about. As a victim, I never forgot. However, those things shaped and molded me into the person that I was. Now and only now, that it has been brought to light that I matter (my opinion, my dreams, my desires and my voice), have I realized how it is that I had became a victim. I was caught up in a very vicious cycle from a young age. I lived a very sheltered life and never really had the opportunity (or chose the opportunity) to experience the world out there. I just kind of went along with things, eventhough I didn't have to and eventhough it didn't feel right. However, I didn't realize that I had a choice. I didn't know that I could fight back, that I could speak my mind, that I could make a decision for myself. It amazes me that I have lived this way for so long. I mean, I am 34 years old, yet I didn't know it until tonight. I didn't know to actually "Listen" to that little voice inside me that tells me things and to actually take action on it.

Perfect example of this happened tonight. Since I am a post-op I do have my concerns with my body and being a victim of abuse I am uncomfortable at times with situations. My mom had gave me a gift of a massage, so I go to the massage parlor excited to be free of some stress. My boyfriend and I joked on the phone how I would probably end up getting a guy massage therapist. I said "oh yeah right" well wouldn't you know that's what I got. So I was nervous, and my anxiety level was on high, but yet I went along with it. After talking to my boyfriend about it, he said "why didn't you just ask for a woman instead?" Honestly, that didn't come to my mind because I was taught not to think that way. I always took things as they were, never complained and accepted whatever happened. Look where that got me...my whole world had been affected by that type of thinking, my job, my marriage, my family...everything.

So guess what, since I am no longer a victim I don't have to continue to think or act like one. I must change my whole thought process, my vision and express "My Voice".

To sum it all up there's a saying that I love. "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got."

Thank you to my loving boyfriend for helping me open up my eyes and become the woman I am destined to be!!!

I can't believe that it's been 6 months since I last wrote a blog post. My life has definitely been amazing at times, disappointing at times but yet I am trying to handle it all in stride. I wish that I could say that surgery fixed my head but it hasn't the same old unlying issues exisist. When I am stressed I eat, I am a stress-eater and boy have I been surrounded in stress. My daughter is now 3 years old, and we are still living with my mother. I have been trying to change my career but I have yet to find another job. I've been sending out my resume for months and I haven't really had any bites.

My weight is pretty stable, I've been maintaining at 161 lbs, size 6 (some 4's if they're big). I look and feel beautiful now but I still battle the picture that I see in the mirror. I've put my old pre-op pictures on my mirror to try to deter me from binging at night. I have noticed that sometimes when I binge it's on good choices but I really wish that I didn't have that addiction.

I'm finally waiting for the court date for my divorce and I have been feeling more in control of my life. However, I have met someone that I have fallen in love with a few months ago. In a way, I wish that we hadn't met until after my divorce was final especially because of some of the drama surrounding it all. I feel guilty that he has to hear the stories of hell that my ex is still trying to put me through. I really never expected it to be this bad but I know that my ex is not a good person and wants to punish me. Now that my ex has lost all control he's trying to use the one thing that still has some leverage, my daughter. It's sad but now he's threatening to take custody of her and it's all just because he wants to hurt me.

My boyfriend has been my rock and has listened to me and my concerns. I love how his point of view is completely different from the way that I see it. My whole family is worried and doesn't want me to date anyone serious yet. Although I dont feel like dating around, it's just not me. They are so concerned that I am going to start meeting with my therapist again, just to be sure that I'm ready and that I'm able to make the right choices. I also am working to get my debts paid off so that I can get out on my own. I think that I would feel a great sense of accomplishment if I could, so the next few months I will be saving up to get out of there. I just hope that things will go in the right direction because I haven't been so happy in a very very long time. I just don't want to screw anything up, especially concerning my daughter. I love her so much.

Well another day and I am enthusiastic about life. I know that God has a plan for me and I am excited to get to the good part. There has to be a good part right?? I mean before I had WLS I was thinking "ohh if I could get the approval" then it was "ok, now I am approved but if my surgery date would hurry up and get here" then it was " now if I could lose 100 lbs" then it was "when I get to Onederland!" now I am trying to maintain at goal (I have gained some weight back) and I am trying to move on with my life. I only want the things surrounding me to match my new lifestyle and I want to clear out the junk and get to the good part in life. I am begining to realize that it's not so much as getting to the end but I must be enjoying the journey. All too often I over look the good stuff in the middle and expect to make it to goal...all the while forgetting to stop to smell the roses in between. There are days when I totally forget to nurture myself, to take the time to do something for me...I still have to make me "a priority" and it's hard. I mean after living my life this way for as long as I can remember it's not that easy to change my habits. I must say in the last few weeks I havent worked out...and I need to. I have let myself get wrapped up in relationships or trying to start a relationship and it hasn't worked out. I have been thinking of going to a 12 step program to get some help. I have already taken some steps to rectify some of the hurt and bring closure to my past relationships. I wrote a note to my 1st husband and mailed it to him. I can't bear the thought of speaking to him for fear of rejection and for the fact that I would just cry and cry, my fear is that he wouldnt listen to me.

So back to the last few months...I have teetered in the thought that I would try to have a relationship. I started seeing a trainer for a few weeks, it lasted about a month but I felt that since it wasnt really going anywhere that we should end it. My thought is that I wanted him to make time for me, he wanted a friend w/benefits to fit into his schedule and that just wasn't my idea of a healthy relationship. So I ended it with him, then a week or two went by.

I met a guy that is a counselor, and it's been good but he seems like he's holding back. I really like spending time with him and I would love to do things together as a couple but he doesn't do much. Then there are days where he doesn't call or text or anything but yet he takes the time to post on FB. So if he can find time to go to FB he should have the time to just send me a quick "Hi, Im thinking of you" type note. So this has been the 3rd weekend now that he's ignored me on a Sunday, this time I didn't text him back...Monday comes around and he text me and I didnt text back. I needed to think about what I want and expect from him. If this is someone that I talk to daily and I spend time with then I expect him to be honest with me and up front. I told him from the begining that I was not looking for a friends w/benefits relationship. I wanted to have someone in my life that is a companion, friend, lover and be a father to my child. I know all of that would come with time but even in the begining he should have respect for me and treat me decently. I can't stand how men text or email people in your presence, if you are spending time with me then spend time with me not with your phone trying to hook up with someone else. So that's where I am at now.

Frustrated, hurt, disappointed. I feel that I am the only person that I can count on to not hurt me. I am tired of it, I feel that I have been led away from my original focus which was to care for myself, become closer to God and take care of my daughter. Now, I have sinned, I smoked a cigarette, drank a beer and been intimate an honestly it has not been in my plan. I am now more unhappy than I was before and I just wish that these people had not been in my life. I am not sure why they are but I plan on seeing that I get back on track.

I am afraid, so afraid that I might not have more children...you see I love my daughter dearly. She is the best thing that has happened to me and I really want a family. My biggest dream in life is to be a mom again. I adore being pregnant, being a wife, helping around the house, having a dependable person to come home to, I want to be loved. I want a good husband, good father, and decent provider...someone I can trust. I don't have to have a great house or a brand new car...I just want to be loved, adored and live a good Christian life and a big family. I have had so many people tell me that is what they want too but only to find out that they just want into my pants. It's really sad and I am sad to say that I has put a damper on my dream, I no longer want to look for that special man to share my life with. I am praying that God will help me get back on the path that I need to be on.

Not that I try to brag but I have been through so much, as many of us have both pre-ops and post-ops. Today has been especially hard for me. My divorce will be in the final stage come March. I never thought that date would get here but we are about 2 months away. I am happy but at the same time I keep in touch with reality, because I will lose my health insurance. Having had RNY that could spell major issues should I become sick or have a complication.

My current living situation is less than to be desired because I have been living with my mother and uncle who share a home. I have been helping around the house, purchasing household goods and contributing some money toward the bills. My plan was to live with them until I finished school so I could work on getting a new career. It is especially important because I need to be able to support my daughter. In the last 48 hours I had heard that my uncle (who's 60yrs old) say that he's tired of all the noise of a 2yr old and that he no longer feels that I do enough and really wants us out of the house. That is such a devistating blow to my whole plan. I really can not afford an apartment on my own and if I am out on my own I will have to postpone any plans of going to school. I really want to be an RN...that is my dream career.

I have contacted the Redevelopement and Housing authority in our area to try to get an application for subsidized housing. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be in this situation. I have a job and I have worked here for 15 years come May. It's just that my job doesn't pay well and I really need to go to school to do better. One thing that really bothered me was that I had to depend on my ex while we were together and I have needed help from family since leaving him but I thought that this was the opportunity for me to change everything. I kept a positive attitude for the entire process and I prayed alot about it. However, now I am really afraid. I have never been so fearful..I'm scared that I will end up in a shelter. I mean how can I raise my 2 yr old in a shelter? What kind of life will that be? I know that people do it and it's not by choice but I never thought that I would end up like that. I have been praying for the last 48 hours for something to happen and I really hope that God turns this situation around..not so much for me but for my daughter. She deserves the best...she deserves a home, warm bed and hot meals. She deserves every opportunity to make something of herself and to get an education so she can have a great career. She deserves to not be faced with the choices in life that I have had to make and I am about to face. Some of those choices I will never speak of with her.

Today as I thought about these things going on in my life it took my memory back to Nov, 2008. It was before my daughter was born and actually I was still in my 1st trimester. What she and I had endured I would never wish on anyone. Yet, at that time I cried almost daily, suffered such misery which was inflicted by my ex, yet I did find encouragement knowing that I had a child in my womb, that I loved and I had risked my life for. It was the most un-explainable feeling and I think of it as the love we have for Jesus. We read the Bible and read about Jesus yet we don't see him. We don't feel his touch yet we know that he's there. It was the same with her...I knew she was there but I couldn't feel her or see her, yet the love I felt was everlasting and was a very strong bond. So today, I went back and read a song that I had wrote about her and my relationship with God. It renewed that feeling that I had back then and made me realize that eventhough I dont see God or feel him right now...he's there. He has not left me and will not abandon me, just like I didn't abandon her. We will overcome this situation and will persevere in the end.

Well here it is almost the middle of January, it's so hard to believe. Work is going well and I have been job hunting online but it just hasn't turned up any real leads. I am still trying to find a part time job so that I can attend school full time. I''ve been trying to look into different schools to find the one that will best fit my needs. 

Honestly, I haven't been as faithful to God as I should be. I have sinned and I feel guilty about it. I have been reading my Bible for the past two days but I still know that Satan is tugging at my heart strings. I must say that life is difficult and as my father has always said, "Don't expect it to get any easier." Such words of wisdom to live by.

As for the whole friend situation...that has been an interesting journey. I have realized there are so many people out there just interested in sex, or having friends with benefits. I am not sure why the world has turned into such a sex obsessed world but it has. Don't get me wrong I love sex/making love to my partner, I try to enjoy it to the fullest but still I just can't be one to have casual sex. There are so many out there that do. It's so scary. I have pretty much stopped talking to all the people that I had met online...except one. I have mixed emotions about it because I am not here to play games. I will be 34 this year and I am not getting any younger. I hope to find my soulmate that I will bond with forever and raise a family. I really want to have more children and achieve the dreams that I have with a supportive-loving husband by my side. I tell you that sometimes I think I am asking for too much. My WLS journey has changed so much of my life that it just amazes me at times. It has given me the push to tap into the confidence that I had built up inside. I just didn't see it before...but it was there. I am not one to hide things anymore and I know that it will take a special man to accept me as I am. I am me...a human that is not perfect. I love to cook, love being a wife and mother, I put my 100% into my marriage, career and children but I have faults. I am not that great of a house cleaner, I love working outdoors instead of inside, I like to be active and yet sometimes I am impulsive. I love and accept me for being me...I just hope the right person comes along and appreciates all I can give them.

Well that's all I can say for now...I must go finish making lunch for tomorrow and cleaning.

Yesterday was Christmas and it started snowing and is still snowing today...so in 24 hours we have over 12" of snow. For the Hampton Roads area that is a lot. I mean we normally have major issues with 1/2 " of snow so I am sure everything will be closed for a while.

Honestly, I am feeling kind of sad. This was my first Christmas since being separated and it was hard. With the snow we have everything closed so no gym to take out my frustration. I feel fat today...especially after my big meal yesterday. Being alone is hard for me because I really tend to think about the stuff that has molded me and what has imprinted my life. I normally try to keep myself busy and dont give myself enough time for anything but the past 2 days I have had a lot of time. I have made some friends but all the relationships are not really serious and most are unhealthy. I try to talk to some of them...so I guess they are not really friends. Just people that I had met that text or call me. None of them understand the responsibility that I carry being a mother. None seem to take it seriously and most want me to give them time but dont understand the demands of being a single mom. No matter what, my daughter comes first no matter what.

I have ate bad the last few days but I'm looking forward to getting back on track and working out. I am trying to find a way to get my implants done. I will be trying to get my loan paid off so that I can get the full amount to pay for it. I am hoping to have my surgery by Feb. 2011. It will be a esteem booster but I know it will not cure all the embarrassment that I feel. I just don't know if I will ever feel the same again...when having sex. I am embarrassed to see myself with all this extra skin so being intimate with someone will not be comfortable.  I need to make an appt with my PCP to see if I can get a referral to a Plastic surgeon for a Panni. I know my insurance covers a panni for post - op WLS patients but need to have documentation. So 1st step is to get implants done...2nd step referral for Panni...3rd step to get my feet looked at for bunion surgery. I need to do this before I lose my insurance...which would be March or April. Time is not on my side for all of this and of course money is an issue as well.

As for school...I want to be an RN with a specialty in Pediatrics. Anyone who reads this and is a Christian I ask that you pray for me. I really love children and I want to go back to school and get my RN license. I know that I would be an incredible nurse and I know that children are my calling. I am asking that you pray for me..specifically for acceptance into the programs and for financial aid. God has laid it upon my heart to do this and I know that if I am following his will that there is a way. I ask that you please remember me in your prayers...it would be a blessing to me and to my daughter.

As always, I am grateful for all the blessings that God has given me. I am thankful for having a roof over my head and for my mother being supportive of me.

Well, its the middle of December and I figured it was time to update you. It's hard to believe how many changes I have made in the last month. Umm...where to begin. Well, I decided it was time to go out and show off my new body that I have worked so hard for in the last year and half or so. I went to a birthday bash and met a great guy...thus became friends. That gave me the encouragement to meet others, I joined an online dating site not really for dating but to meet people and see how things go. I mean after all I have not been single in a really long time. I also began dressing myself in better undergarments...I now feel sexier, and more confident. I finished up my class today and took my state board test for my license and I passed! So now I have a new career to fall back on. I have to say that my confidence is amazing and I feel so proud to be achieving all the goals that I have set when I first began my journey. I would have never thought that it would happen but it is slowly. I also have been trying to make male friends but haven't had much luck there because most want just sex. I am not about that especially since I have a 2yr old. I have met 1 or 2 nice guys but I am not sure where that's headed since they have multiple female friends. I am tying not to let myself get hurt so that I do not sabbotage myself with food. Overall, the last month 1/2 has been great! I have dealt with major issues from my ex who is still trying to control me and still continues to talk down to me and verbally abuse me. I have tried to put boundries in place but it's harder to enforce them with such a manipulative man. I have been mainly taking care of myself and taking it day by day.

I am so thrilled to have passed my exam today and it feels so good to have a new career to fall back on. The best part is that I did it all myself...I owe no one any credit other than me! It feels fabulous!

I could not have been so successful without my surgery. I have never been happier.

Hugs to you all,
susan

I never thought that this was going to be an easy fix for me. However, as I said in the past I never knew it would be so hard. Since I am an emotional eater, this past few weeks has been devastating to my success. I need not make any excuses other than it has been my lack of will-power and my inability to deal with the stresses in my life in a productive way. Coming out of my marriage I am now faced with having to make all new friends and/or reconnect with the ones that I have lost. Thus the result of some issues in my marriage that resulted in me not having contact with friends over the years. Now at the age of 33 I am starting over and it's not easy by any means especially having a toddler in tow. Yet, she is my priority, my love and my joy that abounds me daily. In the last few weeks I was able to get my support situation handled which has been a  relief to some extent. I am still in constant battle with the guilt trips that my ex gives me daily. I have tried to not have contact with him but its difficult when he shows up at my church and constantly leaves messages on my phone and calls my house to speak to our daughter. At times, I feel so helpless and depressed...like I will never be free of him that he will never stop trying to torture me. I have tried to escape the pain and go do things that I enjoy, like the gym. I even went shopping with my sister one day, which I haven't done in years...that was such a good time and I really enjoyed it.

However, I still haven't met or really hit it off with friends. I have gone back to my face book account to reconnect with people and try to make new friends. It's so much harder than I imagined that it would be. Now with the weather turning colder I will be forced to workout in a gym. I have been going to the navy base to work out but they don't offer a childcare room. They do have a family room with 4 pieces of equipment and you basically watch your kids while you work out. It's doable but I never get a full workout due to lack of equipment and the inability to workout for lengthy periods of time. I have yet to meet anyone at the gym. I just say hello to them but no major conversations with people of either sex. So I am going to look for a gym that has a daycare in it so I can get a full workout and not worry about my daughter. Plus it would be less of a strain on me trying to get my ex to watch her or someone else too.

I have also hit a brick wall with the people at work. I feel like they are trying to sabotage me in different ways. One instance I was told that I couldn't wear a particular outfit because I had on leggings and the top was too short even though it came to the middle of my thigh. Yet, I noticed yesterday that one of my co-workers had on a top about the same length with leggings and they let her wear it and never said a word. So in my mind I wonder...is that because I was obese at one time? So I am being punished even still...I work hard to tone my body and I am proud of how far I have come. I applaud myself for being able to do a 2 hr workout and stay on the elliptical unlike so many others at my work that are so judgmental. Everyday I get negative looks and hear whispers behind my back but yet I still keep my head up and I am trying to work toward my goals in life. People are nosy, judgmental and jealous because I am making changes and have made different choices in my life. They continue to make comments about how much food I eat, why I am going back to college and how I should live my life.

I only have to answer to myself and to God. My duty in this world is to live my life to the best of my ability to honor and glorify God and be the most respectable parent that I can be. My goals are to meet new people, make friends, eventually meet a good man, change my career and continue to live a healthy life which includes eating right and exercising. I will get this weight off that I have gained in the last few weeks and I will not allow myself to be the victim that I once was. I must take control of my actions and continue on my journey. I will be accountable for my food intake, my exercise and my spending.

I hope that all who read this have continued success and receive some encouragement knowing that you are not alone in this journey. There are people who love you and accept you for who you are without judgment no matter where you are in your journey.

Hugs...Susan