Navytown Mom
Countdown to next check-up...
Jul 15, 2010
My next check-up is on Aug 11th, the official 1 year mark of my RNY surgery. I have to say that anxiety is building inside me for so many reasons. For those who don't know I am separated from my husband which really is stressful in itself, being that he wants to get back together but refuses to get help or change. I just want to end our relationship and move on with my life...he's resisting that and refuses to believe or hear anything I have to say. Also, I am about to embark on a career change and will be going back to school in Aug. so that is also pretty big change for me. It will be difficult because I have a 2yr old and will have to find someone to care for her while I am going to school at night.
However, the biggest thing (in my mind) is that my 1yr surgiversary is next month. What's even more scary, is that to me this is such a big deal. I keep thinking about the appointment everyday, I can't stop myself. I am currently weighing in at 158 lbs...eight pounds from my personal goal. I feel great and love the new energy that I have and I am happy that I am able to be more active. I am afraid...afraid of gaining weight. My mother (I am currently living with) tells me that she's afraid I will gain weight back, she says that I am constantly eating (which I am somewhat). She remarks about my eating habits and about how I might gain weight daily. It's begining to plague my mind constantly. I have tried not to weigh myself lately and I want to not weigh until my appointment...I'm not so sure that I can do that but I'll try. I am trying to get out and move more...bike riding w/my daughter and walks ect. I have really slacked off on the exercise lately but I want to do it again regularly. I want to get the 8 lbs off and I know I can do it but it takes will-power. "Sheer Will-Power" for me to pass up the carbs that I love and to make myself get on the exercise kick. Will power was something that I never had before surgery...at least it was short lived - for only a couple of days. Now my will power is better than what it was in the past but still could use improvement. So I have lost 164 lbs in 11 months...I believe that is pretty good. I should feel happy about it and I do a little. What is that little voice in my head saying that I need to get the 8 lbs off? Why can't I be happy and feel satisfied? Satisfaction for me is such a fleeting feeling these days. My mind has been trained to focus on the negative and re-training your mind is hard to do. Not that it can't be done but I believe it takes time. I still see the same fat person in the mirror...sagging body and fat rolls are still there. Plus being around someone who is negative is difficult (and that would be my mother) it can really affect your mind and your outlook. I can't stand her negativity. I am my mother's daughter ( I hear her in my head) negativity is taking over at times and I hate it. I don't want to be like that and I definitely don't want my daughter to be like that. I am fighting for my own thoughts...my own self confidence and self worth. I want to be me and love me...accept me 8 lbs over my goal or not. I have always said that we must be our biggest cheerleader and it's true...we have to find happiness within ourselves instead of looking elsewhere. I have to continue to encourage myself in all aspects of my life because if I don't then no one else will. this is my journey and my life...I'm only trying to make the best of it. I would love to have supportive friends and have an encourageing best friend but I have yet to really make new friends. I lost my old friends because of my husband. So that is a goal that I am working on.
I am meeting with my PCP next week to go over labs...to request my referral to my surgeon (for my 1 year appt) and to discuss my feelings (since I am no longer slow-to-anger and have so much anxiety). I hope to not have panic attacks and to keep it under control until then.
More about Mom; I try to fix dinner a couple of nights a week but my mother likes to do her own cooking. She's in denial about her condition (Diabetes) to a point (she's taking meds for it) and refuses to make big adjustments to her diet. I have tried to tell her that cutting her carbs out would help...her Dr told her to do South Beach or Atkins...she refuses. Instead she fixed a 2 oz grilled pork chop for dinner for each of us, along with roasted Potatoes, baked squash, fresh green beans and Corn. Ok I ate the porkchop and was still hungry so then I had greenbeans, and some squash. It's like this every night, she wants 1 small meat, with two vegetables (one must be a starch and one lower carb colored) . I am fixing dinner tonight...Salad with Salmon on top. She had better eat it and like it. The saddest thing is that my mom was supposed to have WLS with me but she backed out. Now I see that she's not really helping herself like she could be and it saddens me because I would love to have her around for another 60 years. However, I have learned that I can't fix everyone around me and I am only responsible for myself. I have to fix myself and raise my daughter to the best of my ability. I will gently encourage my mother toward healthier habits and hope that she will wake up and realize that she needs to grab the bull by the horns. I will continue to pray.
