Another week in my shoes

Sep 07, 2010

Well this week has been interesting for me, I say that because I have realized so many things about myself. It just dawned on me that I  have been consistently working out for over 8 weeks now. My goal of running the 5k race is within an arms reach. I have never felt so much better than I do now. Last night was an incredible night of working out. At the gym I ran into someone that I had met when I worked at the airport years ago. He joined me with my work out and I did 45 min on the elliptical (4 miles) and then I went down to the weight room and he helped me with doing some machines ect... It was by far one of the best workouts that I have done in a very long time. I was sweating more than when I run and I felt so good. The 5k race I want to do is for SIDS, and they help provide needy families with cribs. The race is in the begining of October so I have some time to continue to work up to it. My sister is wanting to do it with me and I wanted to talk my mom into walking it, she could push Sierra in the stroller. I feel so good that I have goals in my mind. The amazing thing about my WLS journey is that it has given me the courage to set goals and the confidence to achieve them. Yes, the changes are up to me but it has allowed me to tap into the resources that I had hidden inside me. That would have never happened before WLS, I am so grateful.

My husband watched our daughter while I went to workout which was nice because he's never really helped when it comes to that sort of thing. Yesterday I decided I was going to do a mental health exercise. I wrote a letter explaining to my husband why I am not in love with him anymore and why I am so hurt. I explained to him that his mood swings, his attitude, his neglecting of his health, his gambling and how he worked so much to support his addiction led me to the choices that I made. It was not just the gambling but the combination of the whole relationship and his demeanor that helped me choose the path I have taken. I was tired of walking on egg shells around him and I was tired of not having the things that I needed because he would spend the money on his addiction. It was unfair to me and to our daughter to live like that. I explained  that he needed to take care of himself before he could provide for us. Last night when I went to pick her up he said he was grateful that I wrote him the letter. For so many years I was unable to talk to him because he would yell and scream at me and last night we actually talked. It was nice that neither of us was saying things to hurt the other and we just dicussed what we needed to say. I have an appt to meet with the pastor this week. Then next week I see my therapist. I am hoping to get a better picture of where this relationship will go. I have never really given up on him but he needs to show me that he's able to get help and follow through with getting the help that he so desperately needs. If anything should come about and turn this marriage around then it will take a lot of hard work and a lot of time. For now I need to search myself and see if that is what I am willing to do. Honestly, I am afraid to give him another chance but I am not saying I am 100 % against it. It would depend on what work he's willing to do on his end and time will tell. There is no rush and I am enjoying myself right now. It will be good to have the therapy to help me to heal from this whole ordeal.

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