Picking up the pieces...

Sep 29, 2010

I met with my counselor last Wednesday and I told her my plan of action. That I was going to get the ball rolling and start my own paperwork with the courts to have my husband served for a support hearing since he refused to sign the separation papers. I explained to her that I felt after the years of damage (from the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse) and his denial of wrong doing and denying that he needs help with gambling addiction that I just can not imagine going on with martial counseling.  It would be pointless, since he's not willing to take the responsibility for his actions and does not desire to change. She agreed that it's better for me to pick up the pieces of my life, what I can control and work toward getting myself help and back on my feet.

So Friday I had off from work, I had Sierra because her school was closed, and we went to the courthouse and I filed for spousal support, child support, visitation and custody. I was disappointed because they said it could take up to 3 months for me to get my court date but at least I am working on getting my life back together. Robert has been cordial to me and I have not really had any problems, I explained to him that I did go to the courts and file for him to be served. I guess he thinks that he has done no wrong because he's not even saying a word about it, other than he doesn't want to pay spousal support. I often worry about things that I really shouldn't be too worried about, at least not right now. Like health insurance, since I am on his military insurance I will lose that once the divorce is final. The job that I have right now, I will not be able to afford insurance. I feel like I need to get all my things done now that I need just in case I have to go without insurance for a little while. Right now, I am trying to re-build my confidence, and block out the negative things that he put in my head. I have nightmares about him frequently and I find myself constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for him to be there. The terror that he put in me I feel will take a while to recover from and I only hope that one day I will conquer it.

I did get my own separate cell phone and now I am working on getting my own car insurance policy. I am paid up until the middle of October so I have a couple of weeks before I need to do that. It feels so good that I can do things on my own without needing anyone's help. I am beginning to feel free from the chains that once bound me.

I also started my new class on Monday for Pharmacy Tech. I have two tests tonight and I am hoping that I will pass them. I have been up late studying for them on Monday and Tues night. My professor says we will have two tests each class and we will have a weekly project as well. I am so excited because I have been wanting to go back to school and while this may not be the life-long career that I want it is something that I can fall back on if I need it. I have been blessed in many ways because I have worked at my company for 14 years. We have survived some of the worst years in our industry and I still have a job despite numerous lay offs. However, with the economy in the state that it is in and the industry being affected by Internet competition you can never be too comfortable with your position. So I had made the decision to go to school for that certification and then pursue a degree over the next few years.

Even though all of this seems so off-topic from my WLS, it is all part of my journey. I couldn't have had the courage to get out of an abusive relationship, and pursue going back to school without it. Yes, my desire and courage are from within but this surgery gave me the opportunity to tap into what I had stored away and reach for my dreams. Looking back it seems so unbelievable that I lived in such misery for so long.

I am so excited (and nervous) that I am getting my life back together and I am looking forward to being successful in these areas of my life.

Will have to write more later.
Ciao,

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