JerseyMom
February 5, 2007 -123 lbs.
I wanna turn the whole thing upside down. I'll find the things they say just can't be found. I'll share this love I find with everyone...we'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs. I don't want this feeling to go away... ~Jack Johnson
Wow...I am a profile updating FAILURE. I did not even update on my Surgiversary! I officially suck. But I will try to make amends. I do have some fairly valid excuses for this, though. I used to update my profile, surf the net, etc. from work. I almost never make it online at home. But two things have happened. The first is that work got VERY, VERY busy. Too busy. Too frickin', stressfully busy! Another thing is that they are telling us daily that they are actively monitoring our internet usage. So I have to be careful about that, too. And the worst part about it is...when I do not visit my January 2006 board frequently, I do not do well with eating, etc. I let things slip. I am much more accountable when I keep in touch with my gang.
All this is to say I am going to have to find a way to visit my board more often. Plus, I MISS everyone! So I will put that on my already-a-mile-long "To Do" list...I must visit my Jan. board more frequently.
I used to be able to pop online at night from time to time but not lately. My son has been sick off and on for quite a while. He has already had two 4-day-long stints in the hospital and I never want to revisit that. So, when he is not well, all my energy is focused on keeping him as comfortable as possible. He will be having his adenoids and tonsils out on February 26. He may also have tubes put in his ears. While this all fills me with dread, I do acknowledge that his health may improve tremendously as a result. So then it will be worth it. But the thought of putting a 2-year-old under anesthesia just kills me. So I really do not think about it much. I will deal with it when I have to deal with it. The power of denial is a beautiful thing!
So...what else has been going on? Well, I may as well admit this here and now...and it is terrible but a reality. A couple of weeks ago, I was under tremendous stress and got down to 167. I was beyond thrilled because I know for a fact that the last time I was in the 160's was when I was FOURTEEN! That is a loooooong time ago, people! And then I was 7 lbs from goal! Then my anniversary weekend passed (my Surgiversary) and...I do not know if I thought being a year out gave me carte blanche to eat everything in the universe but, within 5 days I was back up to 173!! I was flirting dangerously with passing OUT of the "Normal BMI" zone! I gained SIX lbs in FOUR days! At first I wondered if that meant that my 167 was not a "real" weight...just temporary luck. But, no, I have to come to terms with the fact that I ate like a pre-op. And it scared the hell out of me!
More than a week later I am STILL not back in the 160's...but hovering at exactly 170.0. But it is what I deserve...I know this. I can no longer rely on this tool to just do everything for me. I need to WORK at it! And I SHALL! And, quite honestly, I am glad that I got that off my chest. I am probably the only person on the board who has had a 6 lb gain (well, except obviously for Jen Jen and Lori) but I am glad that I admitted it. Now I can move on...and not look back!
Gotta tell ya, though. Going from 7 lbs to goal back up to 10+ lbs from goal was pretty devastating! And it makes you wonder how much of your life is self-sabotaging!
But am I happy about this journey? Oh my gosh...yes. Almost every moment of every day there are words of thanks in my mind. I find happiness in walking across a room knowing that people are not going to look at me and think, "If only she were thin..." I look in the mirror every morning when I get dressed and I am always pretty happy about what I see. I am comfortable in my (sagging) skin! We had to have my son's blood taken on Saturday (pre-op testing) so we went to Quest Diagnostics. Since he is so little, he had to sit on my lap on the chair. Then they put an arm rest down across your tummy. Over a year ago, my husband would have had to hold him because there is no way I could have held my son in my lap and had that arm wrest brought down. I swear there are 1000 moments a day where I find myself grateful for this new life. If I had time, I would write a poem about it. But, really, no words do it justice...there are just no words adequate enough to describe how thankful I am to have had this surgery.
So what's next? Well, my original goal was 160 but...guess what...I am CHANGING it! It might be silly because I think 160 is probably a very good weight for me. But I want to be able to say that I have lost exactly half of me...so 146.5 is my new goal. I have updated my ticker here:
And I have updated my Chart below. As far as the new chart below is concerned, I am WAY off target (by 20 lbs) but I am hoping to catch up. We'll see...I am giving myself until my birthday on June 24th to achieve it.
To those of you who requested updates to my profile...thanks for caring enough to read it! I promise to be more diligent! Well, I promise I will TRY to be more diligent! And I will try to take some pictures of myself tonight...it has been a while since any have been taken. I do not have a tripod so this should be an entertaining task! ;)
Have a great day, everyone! I have missed you and I love you! And I don't want this feeling to go away!
