My Humble Beginning-10 Years Ago

Jun 29, 2010

I remember when I first started attending support group meeting over 10 years ago back in 2000.  I was considering gastric bypass.  Back then, the only procedures available at my hospital were open RNY & VBGB, which is basically just like RNY with a banding included.  I drove 45 minutes to get to the meetings and went to all of them, which were twice a month.  I usually was there early and hung around afterwards to meet other people and learn all I could about bariatric surgery.  Over the next several months I listened, asked questions, took notes, and made many, many bariatric friends.  I bugged our support group leader to death with questions.  I'm a very analytical person.  I have to look at things from every angle possible before I make a decision about anything rather the decision is small or very important, as this one is. 

The post-op's at these meetings were very instrumental in my decision making process.  They were also very encouraging and inspiring to me.  They walked in my shoes.  They became like family to me.  I could witness with my own eyes, the changes they were making in their lives and how much happier they were as the month's progressed.  I could pretty much hand pick who were the post-op's and who were the pre-op's just by how they walked in the room, the confidence they had, and how happy they were.  Their faces just lit up the whole room and they had a spring in their step.  I wished and hoped that one day the pre-ops would see me just like I see these post-op's; as a ray of sunshine full of hope for a new beginning and a whole new life. 

I walked in with my cane huffing and puffing, exhausted, sweaty, embarressed, withdrawn, quiet, depressed, very unhappy, and wanting to not be noticed.  I had to get up the strength to go alone in spite of my panic attacks in crowds.  I didn't have a spouse or s/o to accompany me.  I was on my own.  I was terrified.

Fortunately for me, I had some practice in taking risks & stepping outside my comfort zone the last few years.  My decision to finally get out of an abusive 24 yr. marriage & endure the traumatizing divorce that ensued, proved to me that I had courage & strength I didn't know I had.  

During these months I attended support group meetings I seriously ask myself how bariatric surgery was going to be any different than any other "diet" that I had been on in the past and I had been on just about all of them and gained the weight back.  How was this going to be any different??  

For me this was, and IS, a "Battlefield of My Mind."  I've always been a notorious negative thinker which leads to depression, lack of confidence, I'm a failure, and I can't.  Then I'd turn to food & sabatoge myself.  With counseling and lots of practice, I have learned to turn my negative thinking into positive thinking.  It will empower you, inspire you, motivate you, and give you hope to go forward and not backward.  I took the words I can't and failure out of my vocabulary. As difficult and traumatizing as the end of my marriage was & the long, drawn out divorce, I also turned this negative into positive.  I can thank my ex for empowering me to want a better life for myself and realize that I deserved better for me.  To hell with him.  He stole so much of my life from me but I made a decision to not allow him to steal my happiness too, & the second half of my life.  
   
You talk to yourself more than you talk to anyone else.  Think about this.  Talk to yourself outloud.  It works.  Capture your negative thoughts and change them into positive one's.  I needed to change my thought processes in my mind because with gastric bypass, your outward appearance will change in the first year simply because of the procedure done. So what made this different for me than everything else I've tried?  Above everything else, God is in the center of it.  God is there when I stumble.  God is there to get me through the storms.  God never sleeps.  I trust God with yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Next, I didn't just go to the meetings out of obligation to get the required signatures for my doctor and never come back.  I came because I made a commitment to it and to myself.  Next I started to lose some weight--again not because I was required too but because I was choosing to do it.  I lost 25# before I had my surgery.  This was a way of learning self discipline and choosing to make changes for myself.  Next, I surrounded myself with positive thinking people and set boundaries to keep negativity away.  This was very difficult for me because it meant not revealing to my extended family about my surgery. I love them very much but I came from a very dysfunctional family.  They are very critical and that's where my roots of negative thinking come from.   I had to do what was best for me.  For the first time in my life, I was putting MY needs first, because I'm worth it.  If people talked negatively about gastric bypass, I simply didn't spend much time with them.  I wasn't going to allow anyone to sabatoge my efforts. I still try to practice this today.  There's still alot of ignorance out there among normies about WLS.  (there will be a whole other blog on this subject).  Next, I kept my expectations achieveable.  I took baby steps instead of giant leaps.  I set short term goals for myself, not long term one's.  

For me, my maturity made a difference.  I was 47 years old.  I feel like I seriously reflected back on the eating habits of my entire life and all the diets that I had tried and failed at.  All of these eye openers, self denial, excuses, bad choices, & mistakes that I made could now ALL be lessons learned and battle scars that I didn't want to see bleed again.  Those wounds had been re-opened one too many times already.  

As my surgery approached, I was crossing all my T's and dotting all my I's.  I read every single word on every single paper I was given.  I followed everything I was told to do.  If I couldn't discipline myself to blow into a spirometer X times a day as i was instructed to do, how was I going to discipline myself to do other things I was instructed to do?  Neglecting one "little" thing leads to another little thing and before you know it, you have a really "big" thing to deal with.  So I can't stress enough the baby steps, little things, 1 day @ a time, short term goals=long term success.

I decided to have the VBGB, proximal, 100 cm bypassed, transected.  I have the best of both worlds, RNY and Vertical Banding.  I've never had any complications since surgery Sept 18, 2000.  I'm so thankful & feel so blessed to have had gastric bypass.  I've followed my program; not perfectly; but I've done well.  I hope that I can continue to encourage and inspire you  as much as you have inspired me.         

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